New Movie Script

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Behind the Scenes: The Screenwriters.

DISCLAIMER: Peace, Oddie-Woddie Poo.

Oddwen: This is all? *gestures to an almost empty auditorium*

Nilpaurion Felagund: Uh . . . Oddie . . .

Oddwen: What happened to all the other screenwriters? You tell me only one - plus me - is all that's left?

NF: Odd . . . I've got the next part.

Oddwen: Oh, goodie!
__________________

Treebeard: The Ents cannot hold back this storm. We must weather such things as we have always done.

Pippin: There's a storm?

Treebeard: No, Master Peregrin. It means we won't fight?

Merry: You . . . will not fight?

Treebeard: This is not our war.

Merry (frustrated): But what about me?

Ents look perplexed.

Merry: I've wanted to kill someone - or something - ever since I was a wee little kid. Now the chance comes, and you won't help me? You must help me. Please! You must do something.

Treebeard: You are crazy, Master Merry. I think you need to see a friend of mine. His name's Strate Jacquet.

Merry is put into a straitjacket, and he is struggling wildly. Pippin tries to cheer him up.

Pippin: Maybe Treebeard's right. You are crazy.

Merry (to screenwriter): You call this "cheer him up"?

Pippin: What?

Merry: Listen to me, Pip. The fires of Isengard will spread, and the woods of Tuckborough and Buckland will burn. And all that was once green and good in this world will be gone. There won't be a Shire, Pippin.

Pippin: . . . zzzsnork. Huh?

Merry: If Saruman wins, no more mushrooms.

The horrible truth registers on Pippin's face.

Pippin: OK, you tree-thingies! Listen up! Free him, or I'll eat you all!

Merry: Way to go, Pip.

The Ents reluctantly free Merry from the straitjacket.

Pippin: One more thing: We go thrash Isengard, or you get thrashed. Comprende?
__________________

The next part will come tomorrow, or Monday at the most.

[Meneltarmacil]

Oddwen: This is all? *gestures to an almost empty auditorium*

Nilpaurion Felagund: Uh . . . Oddie . . .

Oddwen: What happened to all the other screenwriters? You tell me only one - plus me - is all that's left?

NF: Odd . . . I've got the next part.

Oddwen: Oh, goodie!

Meneltarmacil: Hey, I'm in this too! After all, I've got 38 posts on this thread counting this one. After Nil's next scene is done, you can count me in! I'll use the time to come up with some good ideas to keep things moving...

And don't forget I'm the one who came up with the politicians!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

The part from Haldir's death to Théoden's "Get out of there!"

I'm really sorry I haven't finished it yet.

Thursday at latest. Reeeally Thursday.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I promise I'll do the next one.

'I pwomise I'll da next one.' Haven't we all heard that before? Lynch him, I say!

[Kath]

Wasn’t sure if you guys were doing the extended version in here, but I thought I’d pop in and see if I could do a scene anyway. I didn't want to step on Nilp's toes so I've skipped over the Stair and the Osgiliath bit.

Pippin: What were you thinking, Peregrin Took? What service can a Hobbit offer such a great lord of Men?

Faramir: Yes it was a little idiotic. I mean, you couldn’t fight anything but a strangely stunted orc and expect to win. Nevertheless, by the decree of my oh so sane father, you are to join the tower guard.

Pippin: I didn't think they would find any livery that would fit me.

Faramir: They couldn’t. But there is this fake one. It won’t stop any blows from killing you but it looks nice. Belonged to a very foolish boy. . .

Pippin: Oh it was yours was it?

Faramir: Yes, it was mi . . . wait how did you know? I didn’t finish the story!

[Pippin shrugs]

Pippin: And I’ll bet your father had it made for you too. Well, I'm taller than you were then. Though, I'm not likely to grow anymore, except sideways, though not as much as you have since then.

[They laugh, Faramir a little self consciously]

Faramir: Never fitted me either. Boromir was always the soldier. They were so alike, he and my father. Proud, stubborn even. But strong.

Pippin: I think you have strength of a different kind. *whispers to himself (I wonder if he bought that!)*

[Pippin kneels before Denethor in the citadel. Faramir waits hopping from foot to foot, desperate to find a bathroom.]

Pippin: Here do I swear fealty and service to Gondor. In peace or war, in living or dying, from...

[Gandalf whispers the next words out of the corner of his mouth and then whistles innocently]

From this hour henceforth, until my lord release me, or death take me.

[Denethor rises, smiling, and approaches Pippin. Smelling the remarkable odour that seems to follow Denethor around, Pippin began to wish death would take him right then.]

Denethor: And I shall not forget it, nor fail to reward that which is given. You will have cream cakes and custard pies in abundance!

[Denethor holds his ring to be kissed. Pippin kisses it while trying to hold his breath.]

Denethor: Fealty with chocolate, valour with apple crumble, [He looks at Faramir] disloyalty with spinach.

[Faramir shudders.]

[Denethor sits to eat.]

Denethor: I do not think we should so lightly abandon the outer defences, defences that your brother long held intact you lazy toerag.

Faramir: What would you have me do, oh subtle comparer?

Denethor: I will not yield thurriveranPelennor unfought. Osgiliath must be retaken

Faramir: Uh, well, I don’t know about the first place, but Osgiliath is overrun.

Denethor: My words are perfectly clear! If you do not understand them then why did you become a translator?

Faramir: I didn’t become a . . .

Denethor: Never mind! Much must be risked in war. Is there a captain here who still has the creme brulee – I mean the courage to do his lord's will?

Faramir: You wish now that our places had been exchanged. That I had died and
Boromir had lived.

Denethor: Yes, I wish that. He wouldn’t have lost me that ice cream factory.

[Faramir bursts into tears and runs from the hall shouting as he goes]

Faramir: It’s so unfair! Boromir always got to do everything first! And now he’s dead and I’m stuck with you, and you know what? You smell!

Denethor: Oh the pain, the pain! What will I do! *Shouting* I’m king you idiot! I can smell however I want!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yes ok I know that was useless, but at least I had a go right?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

. . . since I didn't want to do the Stair, and a sneaky Cobbler took over half of my scene ( ) . . .

~*~

The Witch-king surveys Osgiliath from atop some random building.

Witch-king: Okay, so we'll build my castle here, and then place a giant fountain in front of it . . .

Gothmog: Uh, sir?

Witch-king: What? What is it?

Gothmog: We need to take that city first. *points at Minas Tirith*

Witch-king: Hmmm, just send everything with hands to attack it.

Gothmog: Even the clocks and wristwatches, sir?

Witch-king (back to surveying his future kingdom): Uh, yeah, sure, whatever. Now, we put the amusement park in that vacant lot over there . . .

Gothmog: What of the Wizard?

Witch-king: We don't need wizards. Just get clowns, or better yet, jesters. With bells on their strange hats and all.

Gothmog: No, I mean the White Wizard.

Witch-king: Who?

Gothmog: The creepy guy wearing out-of-fashion white clothes, the one who threw a hobbit at you?

Witch-king: Ah, him. I have something very special planned for him. First, I'll drag out his entrails, then when I've ripped off his skin, I'll drain off all the blood.

Gothmog: Very good, sir.

Witch-king: I'll treat his body so it doesn't decay, then I'll stock it up with the rest of my doll collection. He'll go quite well with that old hag I found a few centuries ago.

Gothmog: Dolls, sir?

Witch-king (uneasily): Uh . . . uh . . . You didn't hear me say that, or I'll tell the whole world all about your parents.

Gothmog: *gulp* Mum's the word, sir.

~*~

. . . Uh, will somebody else do the Stair scene? I've already claimed the Muster scene (q.v.) and it's a bit inappropriate if I take too many scenes now. Unless, of course, you all disappear (like what Oddwen always does when nobody else posts. We love you, Oddie-poo. )

[Oddwen]

Oddie wubs all you, too! Speakin' of the EE, let's try this for starters...



_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Gandalf(ignoring the fidgeting horses): Faramir, tell me everything, down to the last minute detail.

Horses: *whinny! pain!*

***Scene switches to the Citadel, where Faramir has just explained "everything" to Denethor***

F: ...and that's when I realized that I had too low of an SPF in my sunblock.

D: This is how you serve your city? You have two hitherto mythical creatures and the Ring of Power in your grasp and you let them LEAVE FOR THE ENEMY'S LAND?

F: I did what I judged to be right.

D: It's a good thing you're not judge of my jury, sonny! You should have brought the Halflings here, to be locked in a cage and laughed at, until the city burns and we all perish in the flames of doom. And the Ring, too, should have been brought here, not to be used but hidden, until the very very very very very very very very last moment, until everyone but me was dead.

F: I would not use the Ring. Not if I needed a chain to hang myself with and it was the last metal ring in the city.

D: So, you've changed your tune rather quick, eh? Boromir was at least honest, he didn't flip-flop about "bringing it to father" and "not using it".

F: Boromir would not have brought the Ring to you. He would have sold it, and bought ice cream, and eaten it until he was dead.

D: What do you know about this matter? Nothing! *he tries to throw himself at Faramir, but misses and hits his head against his chair. Looking up and rubbing his head, he sees a vision of Boromir behind the younger son*

D: My darling boy!

F: *strange look*

D: You've returned from dark places!

F: *tears up*

D: My darling, favorite, wonderful, handsome son!

F: You're hallucinating again, aren't you father?

D: What? *he stops hallucinating* Oh, it's you. Leave me alone, fool!

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The first stair part's been done, next would be the Stairs & Lembas scene.

[elfearz1]

May I reserve the brief scene with Gandy talking to Faramir and Pip singing, please? Unless someone has a particular fancy for that scene then they can have it.

[Oddwen]

Elfearz! Gosh, it's been a while, hasn't it?

o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o <(Looks like a whole row of shocked faces, doesn't it?)

Scene: Somewhere on the Secret Stairs, the hobbits and Gollum are resting. Sam is trying not to doze off, but seeing his two companions sleep, he finally succumbs.

Sam: SNXXXXXXX....

Gollum*muttering*: Finali3z, precious! Thought he would never...

Sam: SNXXXXXXX....

*Gollum sneaks into Sam's pack, fishing out SNXXXXXXXXX the lembas with an insincere touch. He then SNXXXXXXXXXgingerly breaks off a few crumbs, and sprinkles them on Sam's cloak SNXXXXXXXXX and greedy face. HeSNXXXXXXXXX then tosses the rest off the stairs*

Sam: SNXXXX...XXX....XX...*tosses and turns*...xXXxxxx...*rolls over the edge* AIIIIIIIIiiiiii....

*He then appears back on the ledge with a confused and terrified look on his face*

Sam: Hoo boy, what a dream! Boy, do I miss Rosie...hey, you Gollum! What're you doing, sneaking off?

Smeagol: Yes.

Sam: I'm sorry, you just...hey, what?

Gollum: Just kidding, precious. We weren't sneaking.

Smeagol: Yes we were.

Gollum: Shut up.

Smeagol: Uhh...we weren't sneaking. At all. Not one bit.

Gollum: But we're still offended.

Sam: Alright then, what were you doing?

Smeagol: Sneaking.

Gollum: Shut up!

Sam: *headledge* Fine, I'll leave you two alone. Mr. Frodo, wake up! We've got to get moving before I push a certain sneak over the cliff.

Fro: Mumblemumble still darkout fivemoreminnits...

Sam: Okay, then.

*five minutes later*

Sam: Mr. Frodo, it's been five minutes.

Fro: *whack*

*five minutes later*

Sam: Mr. Frodo, it's been five minutes.

Fro: *whack*

*five minutes later*

Sam: Mr. Frodo, I'm afraid I must insist that we get going.

Fro: I'M UP! Where's the food?!?

Sam: Now you're talking! *rummages around in his pack* Uhh...now we're talking... *rustlerummage* Uh-oh. It's not here.

Fro: WHAT? I mean, what? It's all we have left! How will we survive without the heartening effects of the elven bread, which would have given us strength as we relied more and more on it alone?

Sam: I don't think anybody knows that!

PJ: *snickers*

Gollum: *snickers*

Sam: HE took it! It was the Sneak, in My Backpack, with the Food!

Gollum: Meeeeeeeeee? No, it wasn't meeeeeee, precious, I don't like the stuff!

Sam: But...

Fro: He doesn't like it.

Sam: But...

Gollum: We can't stand the taste of it.

Sam: But...

Fro: He retches whenever he catches a whiff of it.

Sam: But...

Gollum: We breakes out in hiveses if I touch it, precious.

Sam: But...

Fro: He had a heart attack last time he tried to eat it, and we had to give him CPR, remember?

Sam: But...

Gollum: What's this, on his jacketses? It looks like crumbses, that's what it looks like!

Sam: So I'm a sloppy eater...wait a minute, I haven't eaten in...YOU LYING SNEAK!

*Attack of the Sam! It's ferocious, and Frodo tries to stop it by slapping them both, but suddenly he falls down in a dead faint*

Sam: Oh Mr. Frodo, I'm sorry! I didn't mean...I was just so angry...haven't eaten in days notthatit'syourfault...here, let me help...

Fro: No Sam, it's not that...I think I just saw Gandalf the Grey...UNCLOAKED!

DUN DUN DUN!!! *Random Downer prepares his neg-rep!*

Sam*muttering*: Oh for the love of...

Gollum: Where?!?

Sam: Mr. Frodo, you're hallucinating. It's that Gollum, and all the undue stress, and it's the Ring too.

Fro's eyes: *widen*

Sam: I could help, you know. Carry it for you. Shaaaaaaare the loooooooad...

Fro's eyes: 0_o

Sam*in slo-mo, surround sound, and some sick reverb*: Share the looooooad, shaaaaare the load, share the loooooad, shaaare the looooad shaaaare the loooooaaad, shaaaaare the looooad share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the loooooooooooooooooooooad

*the echoes die away into silence*

Fro: O_O ... ... ......... ... .... .. . .... ...That was cool.

Sam: What?

Fro: I mean, get away from me!!

Gollum: Sees, do you sees? He wants it for himself! And then he'll UNCLOAK!

Fro*gasp*: No! Never!

Random Downer: Aww man, too bad you can't neg rep a post twice...

Sam: But he's poisoning you against me!

Fro: You can't help me anymore, Sam.

Sam: But I can! Look, I...I'm cheerful, I can lift things, I can carry things, I can carry you and It too! I'll do a puppet show every night! I'll write poetry! I'll dress like a girl! I'll do anything you want!

Fro: Go...

Sam: You can hit me if you want!

Fro: ...Home, Sam.

Sam: WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

*And as Sam throws himself sobbing onto the ground, Frodo takes Gollum's hand and continues up the stairs.*

Gollum: Pbblllblbbtttt!!

O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O

Meh. The proper environment for writing these is about two a.m.

Annnnnd, the next scene would be the one elfearz has claimed.