ME jokes and funny stories

[The Perky Ent]

Here's this:

Gimli: Do, I can go to Valinor...right?
Legolas: Of course! Would I lie to you?
Gimli: No. Of course not! I won't bring it up again
Legolas: Good
*at the edge of the world, the boat doesn't cross on*
Gimli: Legolas? You know how I said I wouldn't bring it up?
Legolas: Yeah?
Gimli: I'm gonna take that back now!
Legolas: Ok

[HerenIstarion]

***

Bilbo and Frodo in Rivendell:

B: 'What’s become of my ring, Frodo, that you took away?’
F: ‘I have lost it, Bilbo dear, I got rid of it, you know.’
B: ‘What a pity! I should have liked to see it again. But no, how silly of me! (starts rummaging in his chest) Here! Lucky I've kept the original!


***

(With regards to chapter 07 discussion )

Tom Bombadil and Frodo in Tom's house:

F. How come you can see me with ring on?
T. (Putting off his glasses) Have you never heard of infrared binoculars, silly?

[Evisse the Blue]

LOL! and the first one as a contribution to the thread Mysterious 10th Bearer. As in- Bilbo replaced the Ring with a fake one when he changed the chain in Rivendell. Aw, people, don't roll your eyes!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Heres a bad one;
What is Dearon's favorate sweet (candy for all you americans out there)
Minstrels!

[Morsul the Dark]

Here is my super-sad joke

Whats Gamling's hobby?

Gambling....

How did Gandalf the grey become gandalf the white?
He finally decided to wash the dirt of his cloak

another dumb one

how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried

[HerenIstarion]

Two orks in Mordor

O1: It's quite boring down here
O2: Why won't we have fun with that hairy-feet halfling in the dungeon, than?
O1: Can't. The wretched rat dug up too many holes down there, no way of finding him. Says holes make him feel comfortable, dratted rabbit!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

There stood the trolls: three large trolls. One was stooping, and the other stood staring at him.
Strider walked forward unconcernedly. "Get up, old stone!" he said, and broke his stick upon the stooping troll.
"Ouch. That hurts," said the stricken troll, and he turned towards Strider. "What did you do that for?"
The Ranger was flabbergasted. "How could you . . . " he stammered, as he pointed towards the sun.
"We're Olog-hai. Duh!" Then turning to his companions he said, "Guys, bring out the dough. We're having burrahobbit pie with roasted ranger on the side."

THE END???

Wow. That was disconcerting.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Here's one I thought up long ago.

What if Frodo was brought before Sauron?

Sauron was pacing the room, evidently annoyed at Frodo's defiant silence. "So! You refuse to speak before my dark majesty, halfling? Let us change that, then." However, he did not notice that a black scarf effectively prevented Frodo from articulating.

"Sir . . . " the Mouth of Sauron began, trembling, "if I may say so before Your Eternal Evil . . . "

"WHAT?!" boomed Sauron. "Speak!"

"I think the gag hinders his attempts at communication."

"Hmmm . . . yes. Remove it, then." The order was carried out with promptness that would have impressed Gandalf--never late, never early he is, right?

"Now, rat, speak! Where is . . . my preciousssss?"

"Ummm . . . your fly is open?" Frodo responded with what dignity left to him by his . . . erm . . . naked position?

"Haha. We Dark Lords never had flies. And add to that the fact that the zipper wasn't even invented yet. Now cut the crap and tell me where the noisy--yet irresistable--thing is, you
. . . "

Before Sauron could finish his derogative statement, Shelob, alerted to the presence of free repast, rushed to Barad-dûr at high speed, and climbed the high tower with ease. There, she broke the walls that protected the interrogation room. She snatched Sauron, then wrapped her in web before anyone in the room could say "The spiders are coming!"

Having finished incapacitating the Abhorred One, she returned to her lair. All in the room stood in utter silence, not so much in shock, but in fear that if anyone laughed, Sauron might come back to punish them.

But, seeing that Sauron would never return, all in the chamber began to roll in laughter.

"'Your fly is open.' Frodo, that's a good one!" the Mouth of Sauron managed to say between convulsive fits of laughter.

"Well, that was entertaining!" Ungoliant responded, as she put down the book she was reading, aptly titled How Shelob Brought Sauron Down.

I metta.

[Boromir88]

Denethor putting baby Boromir to bed....

Denethor: Let me sing you a lullaby.

Rock a by baby on the White tower...

(baby Faramir starts crying).
Denethor: Shut up and go to sleep, stupid wanton.

[The Elf-warrior]

One of the ways Grima Wormtongue gained favor with Theoden was that he would often point out that gas was cheaper at such and such place while traveling in the royal van.

[Morsul the Dark]

Originally Posted by Morsul the Dark

Here is my super-sad joke
how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried

I like this joke still

[Pitchwife]

Originally Posted by Morsul

Here is my super-sad joke
how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried

You know what, this is subtler than it looks - all you have to do is read it aloud!

[The Perky Ent]

Good ones! Here's another:

Feanor: If you must break it, do it. But know I will kill myself and be the first of the Eldar to die
Manwe: Not the first
Feanor: What do you mean, not the first?
Manwe: You'll be the 23ed to spill your blood.
Feanor: Who died?
Manwe: Tons of elves at Formenos! Didn't you hear? The stock market collasped. Everyone was invested in SIL, and when Morgoth took the simarils, it crashed. There's been 21 suicides.
Feanor: 21? Who's the other person that died?
Manwe: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, your father died
Feanor: Morgoth! I'll kill him!
Manwe: Actually, he had a heart attack. Bad Cholesterol. Shame really
Feanor: This is turing out to be a really bad day

[HerenIstarion]

The Doors of Sauron, Lord of Mordor. Speak, foe, and clear off! Your pathetic incantations are pestering!

[The Perky Ent]

Or how about

The Walls of Isildur, Lord of Minas Tirith, speak seven, and enter

[The Perky Ent]

Balrog: Roar! I shall kill you with my fiery fire!
Gandalf: I am a servant of the secret fire!
Balrog: Secret fire?
Gandalf: Weilder of the flame of Anor
Balrog: Flame of Anor?
Gandalf: The dark fire shall not avail you, flame of Udun?
Balrog: It won't? Ok!
*Balrog walks away*


Director: Cut! Cut! Balrog! You're suppost to try to use the fire anyways!
Balrog: But I thought he said?
Director: Never mind what he said! Just do it!
Balrod: But what about all that secret fire stuff? He sounds like a better fire person than me!
Director: Well...uh...just get back in place! TAKE 2
Assistant: This is Bridge of Khazad-dum! Take 2! Marker!

Gandalf: I am a servant of the secret fire! Weilder of the flame of Anor! The dark fire shall not avail you, Flame of Udun!
Balrog: Oh yeah? Take this!
Gandalf: *summons shield*
Gandalf: You shall not pass!
*Balrog steps and Bridge breaks*
Balrog: Ha! I have wings! I can fly!
Director: Actually, the majority says that you have wings but can't fly
Balrog: Well that sucks.....

that was super funny

[The Perky Ent]

Why thank you very much MasterKiller

[Urwen]

In Gondolin....

Turgon: Welcome, kinsman, for I consider thou as such.

Eol(makes fishy noises,then...)

Eol: I don't care about you! I came to drag my wife and son back!

Turgon: So you love my sister and nephew?

Eol: Not exactly...Aredhel and Maeglin stole Anguirel...You know how it is...


(Turgon, Aredhel and Maeglin roll their eyes. Eol smiles victoriously.)

[narfforc]

How many Istari does it take to change a light bulb?......................It would depend on what they were trying to change it into.

[Urwen]

See this:

Somwhere in Beleriand, two people are talking.

"You know poor Gorlim?", asked one.
"Indeed.", answered his companion.
"Well,he covered Sauron with blood.Blood that came out of him when Sauron killed him."
"And?"
"And every woman from Middle earth, including Sauron's wife and Eilinel,squaled with laughter!"

[Urwen]

A small puppy was seen. People shrieked asking each other who its owner was. Finally,after six years of searchig,the owner was found. It was Celegorm....

[narfforc]

What sort of bread do hobbits like.............................................. ...........shortbread

[Almesiva Moonshadow]

Gandalf was lighting his pipe in the burial chamber of Balin:
"Naur an edraith ammen! Naur... oh, ****. Summoned the Balrog...Run!"

[Almesiva Moonshadow]

During The Last Alliance of Elves and Men, an elf was captured by an orc. He was injured very badly, and his arm needed to be amputated.
He asked the orc, "Could you send my arm to Mirkwood?"
The orc said he would.
The next day the elf’s other arm had to be amputated, and he asked if it could be sent to Mirkwood, too.The orc agreed.
Then the elf’s leg had to be amputated, and he asked the same thing. The orc agreed to that as well.
But when the elf’s other leg had to be amputated, and he asked thing same to be done with it, the orc got fed up.
"Now hold on," the orc said, "You’re trying to escape, aren’t you?"

I'm feeling very creative today, you know...

[Galadriel55]

And when this new star was seen at evening, Maedhros spoke to Maglor his brother, and he said: "Surely that is a Silmaril that shines now in the West?"

And Maglor answered: "No, stupid! It's an airplane!"


~~~


Pippin looked in the Palantir and was trapped by Sauron, and Sauron told him that to escape he has to answer three questions. Pippin, seeing no other way, agreed. So Sauron began to ask him things:

S: Where did Beren see Luthien for the first time?

P: In Doriath.

S: What does Gollum call the Ruling Ring?

P: My preciouss.

S: How many stars did Varda place on the sky?

P: The lore-masters haven't determined yet.

Since Pippin answered all three correctly (to his big surprise and relief) Sauron let him go. On the morning he came to Aragorn and told him that it's ok to look in the palantir as long as you can answer Sauron's questions. "Just answer him In Doriath, my precious, and the lore-masters haven't determined yet - in that order," Pippin told him. So when opportunity arose Aragorn took the palantir and looked inside. "Well met, Aragorn son of Arathorn!" said Sauron. "Answer my 3 questions if you wish to remain the same man ever again!"

S: Where is your kingdom, Lord of the Dunedain?

A: In Doriath.

S: Who told you that?

A: My precious.

S: Are you an idiot?!

A: The lore-masters haven't determined yet.

[Gandalf_the _white]

[QUOTE=HerenIstarion]***

Bilbo and Frodo in Rivendell:

B: 'What’s become of my ring, Frodo, that you took away?’
F: ‘I have lost it, Bilbo dear, I got rid of it, you know.’
B: ‘What a pity! I should have liked to see it again. But no, how silly of me! (starts rummaging in his chest) Here! Lucky I've kept the original!


LOL sooooo funny!!!!

[Glirdan]

Hmmm...

Aragorn: The Sword that was broken!! You have remade it!!

Elrond: What? You think that's Narsil? Are you kidding me? I just told Arwen to go out and get a sword with markings on it and give it to you and tell you that it's Narsil. I can't believe you fell for that!!!

[Gandalf_the _white]

Legolas:"the way is shut, it is made by those who are dead and the dead keep it, the way is shut!"
Gimli: Why's the door open then?

[The Elf-warrior]

Where does Sauron spend all his time?

In the ICU.

How do Orcs greet each other?

Hai.

What do you get when you cross Pippin with a Troll?

A retarded Troll.

What do you get when you cross Denethor with a cow?

Barbeque.

[HerenIstarion]

Gandalf coming in to have a mug or two with Butterbur sees Aragorn lying on the road with his ear to the ground:

G. Valar be with you, Aragorn, I see you are being rangering... What is it?
A. Big wain with breelanders in is nearby. The wain is pulled by two horses - one chestnut and one motley. Wain's left rear wheel is creaky. There are ten of them, one of them is very fat and another is very bold, and they are all drunk as cobblers.
G. There is no ranger like you, Aragorn! You've heard it all by earth trembling, now don't you?
A. No, these blockheads just knocked me down!

[HerenIstarion]

[Nerwen]

Was this by any chance inspired by the Evil Overlord list item:

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

[Lindril Arvilya]

Aragorn: Aww.... my sword sucks.....
Elrond: That's okay, we'll just go down to the pound and get you a new Sword That Was Broken!

[Sleepy Ranger]

Neither are mine but they're funny

[Boromir88]

This is going to be a corny one...but oh well...

Well, to tell you the truth, "lob" is an old English word for "spider." So, this I guess makes female spiders she-lobs?

[Galadriel55]

I heard this from a friend of mine, and this is not really a joke, but it's still funny.

Soe of the many people who are nuts about Tolkien formed some kind of club. They met every once in a while and replayed battles and counsils and the like. Each person had his own role from LotR. One of the meetings was held on and island that was patrolled by mounted police.
The meeting was almost over, when it started raining. The policeman happened to have a cloak with a hood, so he put it on. All of a sudden, he rode into a bunch of people who were staring at him in disbelief.

PS: his horse and cloak were black
I think you can carry on by yourself from here!

[Urwen]

This one time, Morgoth was bored. So, he decided to pay a visit to Uldor the Accursed in the Void. He went and made it there. But when he entered the Void, three figures, to females and one male, surrounded him, claiming that they want revenge because he completely destroyed their lives. The male boasted that he killed Morgoth's most trusted servant.

Trying to look imposing, the youngest girl leaned towards Morgoth.

"It must be fun to kill the innocent little girls." she spat

The man laughed.

"Give it up, sis. You just aren't meant to scare. You were brought into this world to bring happiness...just as our other sister was brought to give me strength...to slaughter One Who Used To Arise In Might." he mocked, as he huddled his younger sister. His other younger sister didn't say a word.

"Why don't you say anything?" asked Morgoth, his curiousity arose.

"Because you drove me to incest. " she replied calmly

Morgoth couldn't even say anything before man stabbed him through the heart.

"Now you know strength of Death Iron." said the man carelessly, cleaning the sword and hugging his two sisters affectionately

[Galadriel55]

Before he was elected as King, Aragorn's agents spread petitions amongst all the people of Gondor. The people had to circle the answer that applies to the. This is how the petition looked:

Do you mind Aragorn becoming King? (circle one)

a) Yes, I don't mind
b) No, I don't mind

[HerenIstarion]

As I've recently played Skyrim, and as it is already a meme, it just begs to be uttered (I guess I will get stoned for that by angry mobs later on... but anyway)


Gandalf telling Frodo about Gollum:

He used to be a hobbit just like you, but then he took an arrow to his knee...