Defective Weapons Inc.

[The Perky Ent]

Bilbo: My old sword, Sting! Take it! Take it! It glows blue when orcs are near, and it's times like this, my lad, when you'll need it most!

*later in Moria*
Pippin: Whoops!
*drums in the deep*
Gandalf: Get ready! Orcs are comming!
Frodo: No they're not. If they were, my sword would be glowing! There's nothing to worry about!
Gandalf: Well...if you insist...
*orcs and cave troll charge into the chamber*
Gandalf: Frodo?
Frodo: Whoops! I forgot to put new bateries in this!

[elronds_daughter]

was that 'battery' thing a plug for Energizer or Duracell, Perky? anyway...

*Frodo wakes up and finds himself in Rivendell*
Frodo: Where am I? And what is the time?
Gandalf: oh, stop addressing the ceiling. i'm over here.
Frodo: Gandalf! Where have you been?
Gandalf: Uh... Never mind.
Frodo: Aww.... Pleeeeeeeze tell me, Gandalf!
Gandalf: oh, fine.
*Gandalf launches into a lengthy description of his 'adventure' at Isenguard, and Frodo subsequently falls asleep.*

ok, so it's not really a weapon. but it proves that Gandalf is losing some of his story-telling ability.

[The Perky Ent]

...yeah...that really isn't a defective weapon. Now if it was someone like Wormtongue doing something like that, that'd fit. But, anyways

Ents: Die Isengard!
*ents throw stones that crush orcs*
Ent: Break the Dam!
*ents break dam and flood Isengard*

Woops! That's another one that actually happens. Poor bridge!

[Morsul the Dark]

Saruman goesd outside to rouse his orc army he starts yelling all of a sudden he relizes he has larengitus and in their very shorttermed memory the uruk-hai scatter and are never seen again

[Nimrothiel]

*Gandalf is cornered in Orthanc by Saruman, but suddenly his staff begins to hum and pulse with a vibrant green color. *

Saruman: "What the..."

Gandalf: "You'd be amazed what you can find on E-bay these days."

*Gandalf executes some moves that would put even Episode II Yoda to shame, and slices Saruman's staff into three pieces and the bottom half of his robe off; revealing heart-patterned boxers and blue-veined legs*

Saruman: "Well, ****e on me."

*Gandalf then forces Saruman to parade around Orthanc in his boxers whilst singing "They're Coming to Take Me Away;" needless to say, his followers desert him after a round of laughter. Thus much of the Fellowship's trouble is reduced, and Frodo makes it to Mount Doom in record time.*

[The Perky Ent]

Wow. There's an Orthanc vibe going around.

*smaug is terrorizing everywhere around Erebor. Then while breathing fire, he stops and startes choking*
Smaug: Cough! Hack! Wheeze! Stupid Heartfreeze!

[ninlaith]

It may not be that funny but here goes...

Frodo is in Shelob's lair with the Phial of Galadriel. The Phial shines a moment then goes out. He pounds it on his leg...it flickers...nothing. Then he stops...thinks....This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine....This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine..let it shine...let it shine....let it shine. Shelob dies from terror from his terrible singing.

eehh I tried

[Witch-King]

*Sarumon gazes into his Palantir, but sees nothing.*

"What in Middle-Earth?"

*He shakes it, and slowly the blackness lifts to reveal...a holiday snowglobe!*

"Down to the depths with you!!!"

*Tosses snowglobe out the window.*

*Witch-King appears*

WK: "You reject Sauron's gift??!!! Then you shall die!"

*Attacks Sarumon, who severs the Witch-King's arm with his staff through a spell*

Sarumon: "There, now leave me be."

WK: "Tis but a scratch, sir."

Sarumon: "A scratch?! Your arm's off!"

WK: "No it isn't!"

Sarumon pointing to severed arm: "Well what do you call that then?"

WK: "I've had worse."

Sarumon: "You lie!"

WK: "Comeon you pansy!"

*Sarumon severs WK's other arm*

Sarumon: "There, now leave me be..."

*WK kicks Sarumon*

WK: "Come on then!"

Sarumon: "Look you bloody bastard you've got no arms left!"

WK: "Yes I have."

Sarumon: "LOOK!"

WK: "Just a flesh wound."

Sarumon: "Look I'll have your leg. Right!"

*Sarumon cuts off one of WK's legs*

WK: "I'll do you for that!"

Sarumon: "You'll what?"

WK: "Come here!"

Sarumon: "What are you gonna do, bleed on me?"

WK: "The Witch-King always triumphs! Have at you! I'm invincible!!"

Sarumon: "You're a looney!"

*Sarumon cuts off WK's other leg. He is now just a torso.*

WK: "Alright, we'll call it a draw."

*Sarumon heads for the stairs*

WK: "Oh I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and fight me! I'll bite your legs off!"

Monty Python rules!