Defective Weapons Inc.

[The Saucepan Man]

The Great Goblin: *As he places Gandalf's head on a stake at the end of a row of stakes bearing the heads of thirteen Dwarves and one Hobbit* Now, what was the name of that blue glowing sword again?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

But when the wolf came for Beren, Felagund picked the lock on his handcuffs and slapped the werewolf with all his might, and the wolf fell as if struck by the power of Felagund - which he was.
"Kill him! Bite him!" said Beren.
"Braces," said Finrod.
"Then claw him!" said Beren.
"New manicure. Sorry," said Felagund.
"Great," said Beren, as the wolf awakened...

...

"...and they built me a cave, like some cool castle, and the Dwarves - those short bearded things - called my Felagund! Ain't that cool?" said Finrod.
"That's nice, dear," said Finarfin; and an unkempt man, bound in a white straitjacket, flanked by two orderlies, passed them by, saying: "I'll get, you, you...you..."
"Do you know that one?" said Finarfin.
"Nope," said Finrod, and they walked beneath the trees in Eldamar.

I found this manuscript in some cave near Namibia, written in Rumilian script. Took me a year to translate.

[The Perky Ent]

Here's some:

Boromir: The blade that cut the ring *pricks his finger* It's still sharp!

Oh wait, that happened. How about,

Gimli: Well what are we waiting for? YA! *slams ax at the one ring * *ax breaks* *ring doesn't*

Wait, that happened too! Hmm...how about

Galadriel: Will you look into the mirror?
Frodo: What will I see?
Galadriel: Even the wisest cannot tell. Things that were, things that are, and some things...that have not yet come to pass
*frodo looks in and sees stuff*
*eye on sauron appears and ring sinks into the water*
*frodo pulls the chain back, but the ring is gone*
Frodo: Oops

[Nirvana II]

Witch King: Screech!

Frodo:Uh......

Witch King: *stabs Frodo*

*the Morgul Blade turns to dust before it hits Frodo's shoulder*

Frodo: Ha!

*Witch King steals the Ring and runs, trips, and falls down Amon Sul*

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Faramir Solo gave me this manuscript...

Do you, by any chance, know him, Eowyn Skywalker?

Fingolfin bowed before Finwë, and without a word or glance to Fëanor he went from the chamber. But Fëanor followed him, and at the door of the king's house he stayed him; and the point of his bright sword he set against Fingolfin's breast.
"See, half-brother!" he said. "This is sharper than thy tongue. Try bu once more to usurp..."
"It's a plastic lightsaber," said Fingolfin.
"No. It's sharper than thy tongue," said Fëanor.
"Whatever, dude," said Fingolfin, and passing through the throng he went to tell his brother Finarfin of their half-brother's antics.

[The Perky Ent]

Here's another Eowyn would like

Celeborn: Tonight, you will stay with us-
Galadriel in a telepathic voice: Welcome Frodo Baggins. I can sense the force is strong in you. *Frodo looks in mirror*
Sauron: Come to the dark side Frodo
*rings gets closer and closer*
Frodo: Never
*frodo pulls ring back*
*instead of sauron, Bilbo comes out*
Bilbo: Luke, erm, I mean Frodo. Resistance is useless.
Frodo: You killed my uncle!
Bilbo: No Frodo...I AM YOUR UNCLE!
Frodo: Nooooooo!
*gollum comes and bites off Frodo's finger*
Bilbo: don't worry about it! You'll get a robotic one!
Frodo: Before Gamgreen sets in...right?
Bilbo: The future is clouded.
Frodo: You joking right....
*silence*
Frodo: ...right?

[Nirvana II]

*Saruman is in battle with Gandalf in Orthanc*

Saruman:But you instead have elected the choice of...PAIN!!!

*Saruman swings his staff at Gandalf, nothing happens*

*Gandalf kills Saruman*