How to Write a Best Selling Fantasy Novel

[Roccotari Eldandil]

Here's my try at some rules...

• Describe beautiful or handsome people as "fair."
• Use terms like, "in him was reborn the {insert character or physical quality} of the {people group/kings/etc} of old." Don't bother to describe what this wonderful characteristic of the ancient People was, or even make up a background for it. (This is not meant to apply to Tolkien!!!)
• Another method for creating names or languages: let your cat/hamster/whatever walk across your keyboard. Or just sit on it.
• Name your weapons. Always, always, ALWAYS name them. And make sure they "sing" in battle and have an inner fire.
• Be sure to incorporate songs in the story everywhere, be it minstrels or one of the main characters who sings them.
• Another character profile: the Sorrowing Soul. S/he must be enshrouded in mystery and sad for no apparent reason. This will manifest itself in descriptions of eyes, movements, and voice. The final battle, when won (of course!) will perhaps bring a half-smile to the character's face, but even when all evil is ended forever, s/he will continue to be sorrowful simply...because.
• All horses must be either magnificent, noble, and beautiful, with unlimited endurance OR sad, scraggly nags.