Defective Weapons Inc.

[The Perky Ent]

Sorry. We'll stick to the book, unless everyone desides that in should be about the movies, in which case, maybe it should be moved.

[The Barrow-Wight]

No, this is definitely a MIRTH topic (though the mirth is often difficult to find in it), so we'd do best to keep to the books. They are superior, after all

[Lindril Arvilya]

One Book and one Movie.

"Gandalf in the meantime was still standing outside the door, and laughing long but quietly. After a while he stepped up, and with the spike on his staff sawed the hobbit's beatuiful green front-door in two. Bilbo ran out to check on the noise and promptly fainted. "Er... sorry..." said the wizard."

The four hobbits are running away from the Ringwraith, vault the fence, down the slope, onto the raft, which sinks beneath their weight. The Wraith saunters up as the hobbits try to escape the muddy-bottomed Brandywine.


Lindril ("Now what have we here?") Arvilya

[The Saucepan Man]

Bilbo: "I will give you a name, and I shall call you Sting."

Sting: "Actually, my name's Tarquin and I'm a pacifist."

[Audreidi]

Jandalf: ...PUT AWAY THE GARLIC, PADAWAN!!! I had no idea that would continue over here...

Auddie: Erk...sorry about that, folks.

At that sound the bent shape of the king sprang suddenly erect. Tall and proud he seemed again; and rising in his his stirrups he cried in a loud voice, more clear than any there had ever heard a mortal man achieve before:

Arise, arise, Riders of Théoden!
Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter!
Spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered,
A sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises!
Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!

With that he seized a great horn from Guthláf his banner-bearer, and he blew such a blast upon it that it burst asunder. And straightaway all the horns in the host were lifted up in music, and the blowing of the horns of Rohan in that hour was like a storm upon the plain and a thunder in the mountains.

Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!

Unfortunately for the company, the Narrator had become tired of such incredibly-won victories that would await their arrival, and let the sound-waves of the horns and voices continue to thunder around the nearby mountain range that had popped up at random.

"AVALANCHE!!" screamed some poor soldier before the rocks came up.

The king turned around... "D'OH!!!!"

[Eowyn Skywalker]

*grins evily* It did, master, oh yesssss... You MUST read the Barrow-downs birthday party RPG... in Elvenhome... just to see how much it REALLY continued here... giggle. AND I AM NOT PUTTING THE GARLIC AWAY!!!!

Gandalf: Dawn take you all, and be stone to you!

*sun comes up*

Troll: Ha ha!!! You see... the moonlight shows us...

Gandalf: Well... that's odd... why didn't it work... Ummm.... erk... RUN!

Troll: So... shall we have stuffed wizard tonight, Bill?

Gandalf: Crap.

Well, it IS from a book...

-Eowyn Skywalker

[The Perky Ent]

Garlic? Are you suggesting something? No, that's a fixed mirror. It's not suppost to show my reflection. just kidding. Sounds funny. I should have posted in that party! Alas. Anyways

Mouth of Sauron: ...I have tokens that I was bidden to show to thee-to thee in especial, if thou shouldst dare to come
*throws down Sam's sword*
Gandalf: Silence!
*throws down grey cloak with elven broach*
Mouth of Sauron: Here's the terms: You get the hobbit
Gandalf: So far so good
Mouth of Sauron: Furthermore, Sauron get's everything east of the Anduin. Henseforth, you will no longer be allowed to kick our butts! Also, Isengard and the Gap of Rohan will be tribute to Sauron. They will be given to a more competent person!
Gandalf: Possibly someone like you?
Mouth of Sauron: Well, I don't mean to brag but-
Gandalf: We will not accept!
*drops mithril vest*
Gandalf: What I meant was, we will not accept refusing your offer. It's a deal.
*As Gandalf and Mouth of Sauron go to shake hands, mithril breaks*
Gandalf: What a minute! This isn't Frodo's mithril vest!
*looks at chains*
Gandalf: Made in Rhûn!?! They only make the cheep stuff! We refuse your offer!

~*~*~*~*~*~

*later that day in Barad-Dûr*
Sauron: So, he didn't accept?
Mouth of Sauron: No master. I think the orcs are right. Maybe we should stop getting stuff from Ebay®
Sauron: Nonsense! Get me my laptop!

Copyright © 1995-2004eBay Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Designated trademarks and brands are the property of
their respective owners.

[Arwen Evenstar]

Legolas climbs up Mumak and trys to cut the thing holding the other thing on its back. His sword breaks. Poo-gas! Now I`m going to be stuck hanging here all day!

[The Perky Ent]

Here's a good one!

Elessar: Yé! utúvienyes! I have found it! Now we can have a new white tree!
*yanks off flower*
*flower falls*
Elessar, nervously: Someone might have cought it
Gandalf: How do we know it survived?
Elessar: What does your heart tell you
*silence*
Gandalf: Right! Well, I gotta make some phone calls!
*pulls out cell phone*
Gandalf: Hello, Niënna? Is this a bad time. By the way, did I mention what a great teacher you are. Anyways, we've got the desendant of Telperion here. And, It's kinda dead. So, is it too much trouble if you come over here and use your powers to bring forth a seed? This way, we keep the line flowing.
*silence*
Gandalf: Look, I know your busy, but can't you make an exception? No?!? Put Mandos on the phone
*Mandos gets on the phone*
Gandalf: Hi Mados! Remember me? Zirag-zigil? Balrog? Ringing any bells? Anyways, oh by the way, thank you for sending me back to life. I'd send you a greating card, but they don't make it for the occation. Anyways, can you tell your sister to come over here and help me out? No? Common? It's the heir of Elendil were talking about. He goes way back! Desendant of Luthien he is. Remember her?
*in-audible sound*
Gandalf: Thanks a lot!
*hangs up*
Gandalf: Do you really need another white tree?
Elessar: For a happy ending...
Gandalf: Well, Saruman has polluted the Shire. It isn't happy. Deal.
Elessar: Fine! I have nothing left to live for!
*Elessar jumps from Mindolluin*
*Gandalf comes down back to the city*
Gandalf: The flower survived?
*suddenly, Elessar comes and crushes the flower*
Gandalf: I'm getting too old for this.

[Orcrist]

Here's a good one...

The Watcher grabs Frodo and Aragorn and Boromir come to the rescue. They hack at the Watcher but nothing happens. THe Watcher then eats Frodo and proceeds to devour the rest of the Fellowship.

Or...

Aragorn hacks at the Watcher and it drops Frodo. Boromir drops him and panic ensues. Nobody can find Frodo. THey head into the Mines leaving Frodo behind. It isn't until Gandalf falls that they realize there is no point to continue because the Ring is lost. So much for that.

THis is a great thread.

[The Perky Ent]

Good One!

Nazgûl: Give us the ring Frodo!
Frodo: No!
Nazgûl: Why don't you put it on! It's just your size!
Frodo: No! Wait, I mean yes!
*puts ring on*
*parallel universe*
Witch King: Stabby Stabby!
*stabs Frodo*
Frodo: Ouch! Why didn't I see that commin.
Aragorn: Here Frodo, I'll save you!
*moves to strike Nazgûl with fire*
*fire goes out*
*Aragorn dies*
*hobbits die*
*Frodo becomes the 10th Nazgûl*

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Túrin drew forth his sword, and said: "Hail, Gurthang, iron of death, thou alone now remainest! But what lord or loyatly dost thou now, save the hand that wieldeth thee? From no blood wilt thou shrink! Wilt thou take Túrin Turambar? Wilt thou slay me quickly?"
And from the blade rang a cold voice in answer: "Yea, I will drink thy blood, that I may forget the blood of Beleg my master, and the blood of Brandir slain unjustly. I will slay thee swiftly."
Then Túrin set the hilts upon the ground, and cast himself upon the point of Gurthang. And the black blade . . . was broken asunder?
Túrin looked askance upon his blade, and Gurthang on the throes of death, said: "Doesn't anyone read manuals now? To commit suicide, you must take off your armour!"
And so passed the most talkative of all swords--canonical swords, I should say. Túrin buried Gurthang, and turned to Doriath, saying: "Hey. Maybe Nellas' still alive."

Wait, who was supposed to be the weapon there?

[The Perky Ent]

Nice. Anyways,

Boromir: Merry! Pippin! I'll save you! *Boromir jumps in front of orcs and starts killing them*
Lurtz: No you aint! *fires arrow at Boromir* *arrow hits Boromir and breaks* Huh?
Boromir: Ha ha!
Lurtz: Well, maybe that arrow was faulty! *fires again* *arow breaks*
Boromir: This is getting amusing!
Lurtz: Alright! This one will do it! *fires arrow* *arrow breaks*
Boromir: Silly Lurtz! Haven't you heard? 5 minute rock hard Abs really does work!

And BTW, I haven't tried, but don't listen to me, because I'm pretty sure five minutes abs really doesn't work

[The Perky Ent]

Bilbo: My old sword, Sting! Take it! Take it! It glows blue when orcs are near, and it's times like this, my lad, when you'll need it most!

*later in Moria*
Pippin: Whoops!
*drums in the deep*
Gandalf: Get ready! Orcs are comming!
Frodo: No they're not. If they were, my sword would be glowing! There's nothing to worry about!
Gandalf: Well...if you insist...
*orcs and cave troll charge into the chamber*
Gandalf: Frodo?
Frodo: Whoops! I forgot to put new bateries in this!

[elronds_daughter]

was that 'battery' thing a plug for Energizer or Duracell, Perky? anyway...

*Frodo wakes up and finds himself in Rivendell*
Frodo: Where am I? And what is the time?
Gandalf: oh, stop addressing the ceiling. i'm over here.
Frodo: Gandalf! Where have you been?
Gandalf: Uh... Never mind.
Frodo: Aww.... Pleeeeeeeze tell me, Gandalf!
Gandalf: oh, fine.
*Gandalf launches into a lengthy description of his 'adventure' at Isenguard, and Frodo subsequently falls asleep.*

ok, so it's not really a weapon. but it proves that Gandalf is losing some of his story-telling ability.

[Zebedee]

*At the Black Gate*
Aragorn charges orcs, swings his sword. Sword lies off the handle.

based on something that happened to a friend.

[elronds_daughter]

ha! good one, Zebedee! did that seriously happen? too funny!

here's another one:

(in the house of Tom Bombadil)
*Tom slips the Ring and disappears*
the empty space where Tom was: Drat it! That wasn't supposed to happen! GOLDBERRY!! Did you forget to put the anti-Ring potion in my water tonight?! *Tom takes off the Ring, looking much more evil than before, and puts it in his pocket* I'll be keeping this, Frodo. Your quest is no longer relavant.
Frodo: Hey!
*scuffle ensues between the hobbits and Tom. Tom knocks each hobbit on the head, and gains the victory, quite unfairly*

[The Perky Ent]

Gandalf: Prepare to fire!
Soldier in charge of Trebuchets: Prepare to Fire!
Gandalf: On my volley! FIRE!!
*soldier pulls lever*
*trebuchet breaks into pieces*
Soldier: Uh oh....
Ringwraiths: Well that's a time saver
Gandalf: This is unexpected! RUN AWAY!

[Nimrothiel]

Another Monty Python one! (Rather condensed and altered due to poor memory).

*scene: Mordor; the highest room in the tallest tower...whoops, how'd that get in there? Frodo is being questioned by an orc*

Orc: "Why did you come here? What were you doing? Were you alone? Did you take the rest of last night's slop?"

Frodo: "Stop it! I don't know, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!!"

*door is flung open; three dubious looking characters enter*

Cardinal #1: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our main weapons are fear, terror...er, wait..um, well, nobody expects it!"

Orc: "How convenient, now I can have an early lunch." *leaves*

Cardinal #1: "Now halfling, confess!"

Frodo: "What?"

Cardinal #2: "Confess!"

Frodo: "Confess what?"

Cardinal #1: "Of your crimes to the church!"

Frodo: "What church?"

Cardinal #1: "The Catholic church of course! Now confess!"

Frodo: "But I haven't done anything!"

Cardinals (chanting) : "Confess! Confess! Confess!"

Frodo: "I won't confess to something I haven't done!"

Cardinal #1: "Stubborn, eh? Cardinal Fang, bring in...the fluffy cushions!"

*Cardinal #3 leaves and returns with three sofa cushions*

Cardinal #1: "Now confess!"

Frodo: "No!"

Cardinal #1: "Very well, then we will have to poke you with the fluffy cushions until you confess!"

*Cardinals proceed to poke Frodo with cushions; the seams split and stuffing spills out*

Cardinal #1: "Drat! Will you confess?"

Frodo: "No!"

Cardinal #1 to Cardinal #2: "Bring in...the comfy chair!"

Cardinal #2 (horrified) : "The comfy chair?!"

*leaves and brings in a comfy looking armchair*

Cardinal #1: "Now confess or you will be forced to sit in...the comfy chair!"

Frodo: "I won't confess until you tell me what the hell is going on here!"

Cardinal #1: "Because you will not confess you must sit in the comfy chair until you do!"

*pushes Frodo onto chair; Frodo begins to bounce up and down on the seat, the chair breaks*

Cardinal #1: "Bloody hell!"