Hobbit Sex Ed

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Dear Ms. Eangorifurnimaluim,

I write to you on behalf of our local Ladies’ Flower Club, hastening to assure you that there is no connection whatsoever to the Garden Club which has so vigorously opposed your research. I first read your article after finding it hidden under my son’s mattress when I cleaned his room. He was not surprised that I confiscated it, but seems puzzled that I have not punished him for having it.

You dare to speak in plain words of matters which, though a part of our daily life, are usually treated with secrecy and shame. By doing so, you have inspired me and a few friends to dare something we would not otherwise have ventured. You see, our Flower Club is named so for more than one reason; yes, we raise flowers in our gardens and are proud of them, but we also all bear traditional flower names.

In the past, we have drawn pictures of our most beautiful flowers, according to the time of year in which they bloom, adding the names of the months and days. These were given away as birthday presents and much admired by all. However, nearly everyone has one by now, and we must think of something new. I suggested in jest that the only flowers we have not yet portrayed are our own members, and this was greeted with more enthusiasm than I had expected.

The really revolutionary idea came to my friend Lilac after reading your treatise – she said that we should have our portraits done with something unusual enough to generate widespread interest – wearing shoes!! You can imagine how shocked many of the ladies were! They were afraid we would be thought disrespectable if we did such a thing. I was able to convince several of them already – we have volunteers from Afteryule to Thrimidge, but the rest are not yet willing to participate.

For this reason I would like to invite you to hold a lecture at one of our weekly meetings, hoping that they too will be inspired to join us in this venture. Please let me know when it would be convenient for you; you will be most welcome!

With cordial greetings,
Heather Twinkletoes

P.S. – We have heard rumours of an Elven shoemaker, Manwëolo Blahnikion, who creates such wonderful shoes that even hobbits find them irresistible. (The slogans “One Shoe to Rule Them All” and “The Shoe Goes Ever On and On” have become known to us.) Have you any further information about his creations and the place they may be purchased? We would be grateful for your help!

[Bêthberry]

It would appear that, after long and intensive study of the variant texts of the Redbook, recent scholarship has shown that Dr. Marileangorifurnimaluim based her work on a previously little known scroll now referred to as the S-Text, for its place of discovery, the Sackville Mathom House, although with the possibility of scribal error, the initial letter of the second word could in fact be 'B', as the text demonstrates considerable erasure at the end of this second word, leading to speculation that Mathom Houses were initially the Brothel Houses which Dr. Marileangorifurnimaluim hypothesized, creating further controversy over the possibility that hobbits swapped more than goods they no longer found a use for.

The study of Hobbit Letters is a most recondite subject.

Yours respectfully,
Prudence Pennyworth

[Eönwë]

Hmmm.... Interesting.