Hobbit Sex Ed - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

HerenIstarion · 05-21-2004, 02:08 AM

Up up it goes
With hope that it grows...

tar-ancalime · 05-21-2004, 10:42 AM

I don't hold with all this talk of shoes and the like. It's not proper and a young hobbit might get ideas.

Now I have had about enough of these suggestions about us Eastfarthing hobbits and our boots. It is well known that we only keeps them for the spring rains and who could blame us? I listened to my stories as a young hobbit and even that nine fingered Frodo didn't much like putting his feet into slime and muck. I daresay if there had been some boots on that journey of his he would have put them on once or twice. Not that we like our boots mind you or that there is anything more to it than slime. We put them away for the summer as soon as may be. Whatever those queer Bucklanders who read your book may say about us plain folk, we take them off at the doorstep always and never wear them into the house.

You should know that if our wives happen to see us with our boots on and for dinner there should happen to be a large plate of our favorite mushrooms--well, that can't be helped. Mushrooms thrive in the muck as everyone knows. And it is well known that mushrooms make a hobbit sleepy and if we should go to bed early on those muddy nights there is nothing more to raise your eyebrows at. Even that nine fingered Frodo as you think was so fine would have agreed. So I'll have no more of this nasty talk about us in the Eastfarthing. It's bad enough your slander of the whole Southfarthing. I am starting to think your intentions are no good at all.

Hoping you never need YOUR boots,

Olgo Hornthrottle

Saraphim · 05-21-2004, 03:52 PM

My dear Marileangorifurnimaluim,

My, you have a long name.

At any rate, I would like to congratulate you upon your fabulous dedication to your work. Many investigators have been turned back by the judicious frown of a Hobbit. Your assets to the field of Hobbit studies have given the Royal Library here in Minas Tirith a major step forward in the subject of Hobbits, who, after all, became the most celebrated heroes of our time.

It is my pleasure to invite you to publish your writings, and any future discoveries you might have, in our news, the Gondorian Wing. We publish four times per year, and it is read by nearly every mortal in the Reunited Kingdom, a fact that we are quite proud of.

Again, thank you for youor contribution, whether you choose to accept our offer or not.

With Kindness and Honor,
Palin Toradin,
Head Bookeeper of the Royal Library of the Reunited Kingdom
Editor-in-Chief of the Gondorian Wing

Lhundulinwen · 05-21-2004, 04:36 PM

Ms. Maril,

Thank you for such an enlightening topic! Those old dish rags of a hobbit, especially Lousewart Chastitybelt and her cronies, have their noses so far up, they haven't noticed how they got children in the first place. Their poor husbands have had to visit my fine establishments many times, sometimes more than seems proper, but a hobbit has needs.
As for the 'friends' at Marish, they are outstanding members of the community, and whatever goes on behind close doors is none of anyones business. As for, how do you say?, the foot 'fettish', well, where else can you get such lovely feet but on a hobbit?
Please continue printing, and maybe the Garden Club will come to their senses.

Thanks again,
Daisy 'Rabbit' Fields
Frogmorten, Shire

P.S. Lousewart was seen entering the Green Dragon with another hobbit fellow, and didn't leave for 4 hours. P.P.S. She is supposedly against alchohol...

05-31-2004, 10:54 PM

Ms. Maril,

Let me first express my appreciation of your obviously studious nature. It is because of learned researchers such as yourself that the rumors flying about are righted and the truth can be revealed.

Speaking of such truths, I would like to be a part of your continuing research, if it is at all possible. You see, my "friend" Myrtle Green and I are currently residing together in Marish, and we are willing to let you interview us, should you be interested in hearing our side of the story. I'd like to show those persnikity old brown-nosers of the Garden Club what really goes on in the Shire.

Hildigard Goodbody
Marish, the Shire

Audreidi · 06-07-2004, 07:03 PM

Dear Ms. Marileangorifurnimaluim,

I must say I have found your article wonderfully fascinating. As stated, little is discussed of the "birds and bees" among hobbits, and it is astonishing to note the amount and sorts of responses Brandywine Press received, along with a generally positive reaction in regards to the second printing. The Garden Club, of course, think they know much of political matters while many other hobbits will disagree. Respectability is a somewhat vague definition, and while I do not tend to support the idea of brothels, some relaxation is necessary once in a while, as well as the occasional reminder to do so.

Thank you again,

Clyryan Moresby, Editor-in-training for the Brandywine Press

***Mister Underhill*** · 06-07-2004, 09:31 PM

How on Middle-earth did this escape my notice the first time around? Maril, you are sorely missed.

05-21-2004, 02:08 AM	#1
HerenIstarion Deadnight Chanter Join Date: Sep 2000 Posts: 4,244	Up up it goes With hope that it grows... __________________ Egroeg Ihkhsal - Would you believe in the love at first sight? - Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!

05-21-2004, 03:52 PM	#3
Saraphim Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: The other side of freezing. Posts: 404	My dear Marileangorifurnimaluim, My, you have a long name. At any rate, I would like to congratulate you upon your fabulous dedication to your work. Many investigators have been turned back by the judicious frown of a Hobbit. Your assets to the field of Hobbit studies have given the Royal Library here in Minas Tirith a major step forward in the subject of Hobbits, who, after all, became the most celebrated heroes of our time. It is my pleasure to invite you to publish your writings, and any future discoveries you might have, in our news, the Gondorian Wing. We publish four times per year, and it is read by nearly every mortal in the Reunited Kingdom, a fact that we are quite proud of. Again, thank you for youor contribution, whether you choose to accept our offer or not. With Kindness and Honor, Palin Toradin, Head Bookeeper of the Royal Library of the Reunited Kingdom Editor-in-Chief of the Gondorian Wing __________________ I drink Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters! ~ Always remember: pillage BEFORE you burn.

05-21-2004, 04:36 PM	#4
Lhundulinwen Wight Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Wishin' and hopin' in the Shire Posts: 139	Ms. Maril, Thank you for such an enlightening topic! Those old dish rags of a hobbit, especially Lousewart Chastitybelt and her cronies, have their noses so far up, they haven't noticed how they got children in the first place. Their poor husbands have had to visit my fine establishments many times, sometimes more than seems proper, but a hobbit has needs. As for the 'friends' at Marish, they are outstanding members of the community, and whatever goes on behind close doors is none of anyones business. As for, how do you say?, the foot 'fettish', well, where else can you get such lovely feet but on a hobbit? Please continue printing, and maybe the Garden Club will come to their senses. Thanks again, Daisy 'Rabbit' Fields Frogmorten, Shire P.S. Lousewart was seen entering the Green Dragon with another hobbit fellow, and didn't leave for 4 hours. P.P.S. She is supposedly against alchohol... __________________ ~Just call on me, and I'm there. I'll always be your Sam~

06-07-2004, 07:03 PM	#6
Audreidi Pile O'Bones Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: I'm not sure anymore, on account of my being dead and all. Posts: 20	Dear Ms. Marileangorifurnimaluim, I must say I have found your article wonderfully fascinating. As stated, little is discussed of the "birds and bees" among hobbits, and it is astonishing to note the amount and sorts of responses Brandywine Press received, along with a generally positive reaction in regards to the second printing. The Garden Club, of course, think they know much of political matters while many other hobbits will disagree. Respectability is a somewhat vague definition, and while I do not tend to support the idea of brothels, some relaxation is necessary once in a while, as well as the occasional reminder to do so. Thank you again, Clyryan Moresby, Editor-in-training for the Brandywine Press __________________ Hold on, my train of thought derailed. And it's some undertaking to get it back on track, I can tell you... --Audreidi & Jandalf, proud members and Twins of Optometry for the Society of Nearsighted Elves

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05-21-2004, 10:42 AM	#2
tar-ancalime Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: abaft the beam Posts: 303	I don't hold with all this talk of shoes and the like. It's not proper and a young hobbit might get ideas. Now I have had about enough of these suggestions about us Eastfarthing hobbits and our boots. It is well known that we only keeps them for the spring rains and who could blame us? I listened to my stories as a young hobbit and even that nine fingered Frodo didn't much like putting his feet into slime and muck. I daresay if there had been some boots on that journey of his he would have put them on once or twice. Not that we like our boots mind you or that there is anything more to it than slime. We put them away for the summer as soon as may be. Whatever those queer Bucklanders who read your book may say about us plain folk, we take them off at the doorstep always and never wear them into the house. You should know that if our wives happen to see us with our boots on and for dinner there should happen to be a large plate of our favorite mushrooms--well, that can't be helped. Mushrooms thrive in the muck as everyone knows. And it is well known that mushrooms make a hobbit sleepy and if we should go to bed early on those muddy nights there is nothing more to raise your eyebrows at. Even that nine fingered Frodo as you think was so fine would have agreed. So I'll have no more of this nasty talk about us in the Eastfarthing. It's bad enough your slander of the whole Southfarthing. I am starting to think your intentions are no good at all. Hoping you never need YOUR boots, Olgo Hornthrottle

05-31-2004, 10:54 PM	#5
Jade of Mordor Guest Posts: n/a	Ms. Maril, Let me first express my appreciation of your obviously studious nature. It is because of learned researchers such as yourself that the rumors flying about are righted and the truth can be revealed. Speaking of such truths, I would like to be a part of your continuing research, if it is at all possible. You see, my "friend" Myrtle Green and I are currently residing together in Marish, and we are willing to let you interview us, should you be interested in hearing our side of the story. I'd like to show those persnikity old brown-nosers of the Garden Club what really goes on in the Shire. Hildigard Goodbody Marish, the Shire

06-07-2004, 09:31 PM	#7
*Mister Underhill* Dread Horseman Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: Behind you! Posts: 2,744	How on Middle-earth did this escape my notice the first time around? Maril, you are sorely missed.