Everything I need to know I learned from LOTR

[Morai]

11) Listen to the elves. Usually they know what they're doing. Yes, Isildur, that means you too.

How true that is. Kinda puts a new twist on the phrase: "Listen to your elders."
Anyway here's a few more:

1) When screaming Nazgul come riding towards you, they probably mean to kill you, not to play a heavy metal concert.

2) The Phrase "Give me a hand" takes on a whole new meaning when your talking to the Eye of Sauron.

3) Friends are capable of attempting to stab you in the back, especially when they have the One Ring.

[ArathorofBarahir]

1. Never throw stones in a lake if you don't know what lives there.

2. There is always hope if you know that there is no hope there is hope.

3. Men with stubble can get hot chicks.

4. Never accept a ring as gift.

5. Never touch a skeleton sitting on a well.

6. Chicks dig elves.

[Etharius]

- A foil wrapped T-shirt proves to be very strong armour.
- Don't trust Theoden, he'll chop off the end of your spear.
- You will not recognise dwarves with their helmets off.
- Elves walk slower than snails when travelling West.
- Always keep a close eye on a Took.
- If you fare badly in battle, kill yourself. You will go to heaven.
- An Uruk Berserkers weakspot is...Its bollocks.
- Gunpowder weapons is the future.
- If you fancy a Elf in the kingdom over yonder, forget it.

[Morai]

1) Playing "I spy" with the Eye of Sauron isn't as fun as it seems. He always wins.

2) Of course, if you disguise yourself with ork armor, have an army of good guys acting as a diversion, and manage to throw a powerful ring into a volcano, you have a pretty good chance.

3) Then again, make sure to always bring a deranged, five centuries old, corrupted hobbit to bite your finger off when you try to get away with jewelry

[Beruthiel]

1) Elves like to feel included in important decisions, even if they are only repeating things ("a diversion"...This a cry for attention me thinks)

2) Next time your in a desolate, barren landscape with flying lumps of lava dropping out of the sky, think of a pretty place; your strength will be tripled instantly

3) Rings are officially out of fashion

4) As long as you have pointy ears, you are capable of anything

[Maeggaladiel]

The best way to kill any dark, sinister, evil person as well as maim the hero is to chop of a hand. Or at least a finger. (Hey, it worked in Star Wars, too!)

Pale people are always evil.

If one door magically closes in your face, try another one. If this one closes in your face and your boss grins wickedly at you, pretend not to notice and try another one. Don't catch on until you're completely boxed in.

Never say "Come and claim him" to a Nasgul.

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

Hugging trees IS good for you.

If you're ever in a fight with nine nazgul, don't worry. They will attack you one by one and the others will wander around looking threatening until it is their turn.

Always word phrases about how you can be killed VERY carefully.

If anyone swings a large mace at you, just duck until they get frustrated.

NEVER say "So it begins".

If you're outnumbered a thousand to one, just get a poncy man in white to kill your leader.

Never scream as you charge in slow motion.

If there's a vast hunk of rubble heading for you, just stand there... it'll land right in front of you and stop.

If you're ever just about to be killed, talk to your best friend about your girl back home and you'll pull through.

NEVER EVER EVER say "There'll be enough for the journey back".

If a huge firework explodes in your tent, you'll just get your eyebrows singed off.

Rings send you mad...

Never accept suspicious jewelry through the mail.

If a large man in a black cape asks you the way to the pub, just tell him...

When in doubt, hit it with a stick...