What do you think of Dave Barry's view?

[maikafanawen]

My mum reads Dave Barry's column often in our newspaper and found an appology to a previous column her wrote concerning Lord of the Rings. Interested, I had her look up the previous article online, and to my horror( ), this is what I found:<P><BR>************************************* ****************<P><B>Why can’t they just lose the ring in the sink?</B><BR>DAVE BARRY<P>I finally saw the new Lord of the Rings movie, which is entitled <I>Lord of the Rings II: A LOT More Stuff Happens</I>. It’s a tad on the long side (three days) but I am not complaining. My eyeballs were literally riveted to the screen, by literal rivets, from the moment I sat down until the moment I lost all sensation in my lower body.<P>Yes, this is a classic movie, the kind that makes you laugh; makes you cry; makes you wonder, over and over, if this would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Above all, it’s a movie that makes you think about the issues raised by the plot, the main issue being: What the heck IS the plot?<P>I say this because it’s a very complicated story, with numerous subplots and something like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have hard-to-remember names like “Falgodirt” or “Grempkin.” So today, as a service to all of you who were confused by this great movie, I present the following:<P>SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II<P>(Scene 1)<P>FRODO: Darn! I still have this damned ring that I got in the first movie!<P>SAMWISE: This ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act?<P>FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!<P>SAMWISE: But who will guide us?<P>FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?<P>SAMWISE: **** Cheney’s in this movie?<P>GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath.<P>(Scene 2)<P>LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions, -- Legolas, the Strangely Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf – in our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose niece, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!<P>LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you’re talking about.<P>LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I’m just reading the script.<P>GIMLI: Well, I’m really short!<P>(Laughter)<P>LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It’s time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!<P>LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.<P>MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.<P>SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!<P>(Scene 3)<P>MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!<P>PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!<P>TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat!<P>(Scene 4)<P>MONSTERS: Arrrrr<P>SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!<P>(Scene 5)<P>FRODO: How come, if I’m the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I”m stuck in a subplot iwth **** Cheney?<P>GOLLUM: Maybe it’s becauseyour big hairy feet make you look like you’re wearing a pair of dead weasels.<P>(Scene 6)<P>LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador, before the forces of Ba’Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom!<P>LEGOLAS: Now you’re just making stuff up.<P>LORD ARAGORN: Well, it’s not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.<P>GIMLI: I’m still short!<P>(Laughter)<P>(Scene 7)<P>FRODO: Uh-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this damned ring! Do you realize what that means?<P>SAMWISE: That “Weasel Feet” would be a good name for a rock band?<P>FRODO: Yes, as would “Kung Fur Trees” and “Combat Alfalfa.” But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be…<P>SAMWISE: No! Not that!<P>FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.<P>MONSTERS: Arrrrrrr!<P>************************************** **************<P><BR>Many, many LOTR fans wrote Mr. Barry and he wrote an appology that he pasted in his next column. In my opinion, he didn't mean a thing he said in his 'apology.' I'll post it here as well:<P><BR>************************************** **************<BR><B>Time for an apology, unless I can wiggle out of it</B><BR>DAVE BARRY<P>Before I get to today's topic ("Worms making News"), I want to apologize to those readers, both human and elf, who were unhappy with my column on "The Lord of the Rings."<P>It turns out that my readership includes some VERY serious fans of the movie and the classic book by the late J.R. "Scooter" Tolkien. Many of these fans took time out from their busy schedules to write lengthy letters detailing the errors in my column, and observing that I am a stupid idiot. Here are some of the specific points they made (I am not making these points up):<BR>--"For your information, **** Cheney is NOT in 'The Lord of the Rings'."<BR>--"it is not right to refer to Aragorn as 'Lord Aragorn' until he claims the htrone of Gondor. He's just a Ranger right now who happens to be really good in battle."<BR>--"I can speak as a rampant fan, because I have read the book 40-plus times."<BR>--"I don't think that you fully understand that if they don't destroy the ring, the world will fall into definite evil."<BR>--"The Ents cannot do kung fu, as that did not exist in Middle Earth."<P>These are all strong points, and so I want to say to you rampant Tolkien fans, by way of sincere apology: Are you, by any chance, Hoosiers?<P>No, seriously, I'm sorry if my column offended you, or in any way has caused the world to fall into definite evil.<P>****************************************** **********<P><I>I</I> wasn't entertained by his attempt at making something funny out of the movies, because I didn't understand any of his lame jokes. Neither was I 'offended' by it though. I just feel sorry for the old coot that he has to make a living of such dull columns. Oh well, I probably won't dwell on this little matter anymore, but I just wanted to post it so the rest of you can read, and voice your opinions about it.<P>-Maikafanawen<P>[ April 21, 2003: Message edited by: maikafanawen ]<p>[ April 21, 2003: Message edited by: maikafanawen ]