If LotR had been written by someone else!?

[Diamond18]

So! For more humor:

"The Lord of the Rings" by Herman Melville (author of "Moby Dic.k")

Call me Legolas. Some years ago—never mind how long precisely—having little or no arrows in my quiver, and nothing particular to interest me in Middle-earth, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of Arda. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I feel myself involuntarily pausing before the gravesites of Men, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately crouching in the bushes, and methodically shooting people with arrows—then, I account it high time to get to Sea as soon as I can. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all Elves in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same longings toward the ocean as me.

This opening paragraph would be followed by chapters of detailed instructions on how to:

• Make Rings of Power
• Forge Special Swords
• Re-forge Special Swords
• Bake Lembas
• Weave Rope Out of Hithlain
  Plus
• Directions on the Finer Points of Archery
  And
• Building Your Own Boat to Sail to Valinor