Survivor: The Second Age

[Formendacil]

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Arda Envinyanta- Arda Healed, where we all live in peace and happiness under Eru. In his benevolence, King Manwë has granted us permission to host a show for your amusement known as "Survivor". We are pleased to have enlisted some of the great and famous names of the Second Age to participate in our game. The contestants are:

Tribe of the Noldor:
Ereinion Gil-galad,
Elrond Peredhil
Galadriel
Celebrimbor
Glorfindel

Tribe of the Sindar:
Celeborn
Círdan
Orophir
Amdír
Celebrían

Tribe of the Númenoreans:
Elros Tar-Minyatur
Tar-Aldarion
Erendis
Ar-Pharazôn
Tar-Míriel

Tribe of the Elendili:
Amandil
Elendil
Isildur
Anárion
Ohtar

Tribe of the Other Speakers:
Durin III
Narvi
Fangorn (Treebeard)
Fimbrethil
Thorondor

Tribe of the Baddies:
Sauron
The Witch-king
Khamûl
Herumor
Fuinur

Interviewing of the contestants prior to the game reveals extreme confidence from Annatar about winning:

"After three previous rounds, I think my chances of winning at next to none. After all, I've got the most experience. And I'm the prettiest."

Fellow three-tries-at-it-already contestant, Elrond Peradan, was less optimistic:

"I'm always voted out."

Although the contest contains several old fan-favourites, viewers were disheartened by the lack of a great dragon. Members of an fan group known only as "F.A.T.", however, claimed to be pleased with the new edition's selection.

"Lots of babes," said an anonymous member approvingly. "Galadriel, Celebrían, Erendis... even that tree girl, Fimbrethil. Much better than the last round."

But enough interviewing.

The game starts NOW. Each day, one (or possibly more, if I decide to allow double-lynches, which I probably will most days) person will be evicted from the game by the voting of YOU the readers. The days will be more or less regular in duration, but due to the irregularities that are a working bum's life, the exact duration of the day will not be herein specified, so as to allow me the chance to open/close the days as I please, and to allow for a greater air of uncertainty (no holding votes back to the deadline, guys).

Votes are retractable. They should appear like this:

++ Nilpaurion Felagund

(who is not a legitimate candidate).

Okay, I think you guys know how this works. You may begin.

Oh, and Nilp, your vote for Ar-Pharazôn is not pre-registered.

[WaynetheGoblin]

++sauron
Badguys shouldent win.

[arcticstorm]

Honestly, what need do we have for elves who cannot stay dead?
++Glorfidel

[Celuien]

++DURIN III

Rather unoriginal to be the third Durin, isn't it? Being the second is dull but excusable. Being a triple is unpardonable.

[Glirdan]

++Glorfidel

So does this mean you support Arwen knocking him out and stealing his horse!? Shame on you!!

++Durin III

After that last season, I don't want to see another Dwarf ever again!

[arcticstorm]

Originally Posted by Glirdan

So does this mean you support Arwen knocking him out and stealing his horse!? Shame on you!!

nope, on the contrary. I support the nazgul bringing the ring to Sauron,

[the phantom]

I say to make for a more interesting contest, we should leave the bigger names alone and then let them duke it out for supremacy.

Use the guidelines below for voting.

1) Don't vote off any of the Noldor. If you want to vote for an elf, select one from among the not-so-cool-and-important Sindar.
2) Leave Ar-Pharazon, Elendil, and Isildur alone. Those three will probably make for the best game out of the humans on the list. Kill off the other Numenorians/Gondorians before these three.
3) Leave the bad guys alone for a while. Baddies always make things more interesting. If you have to vote for a baddie, pick a minor one- not Sauron or the Witch King.
4) Get rid of those "other speakers". They don't add any excitement. The best known one is Fangorn (Treebeard), and his primary trait is being boring.

Heed my words and you will have more fun, I promise.

[Kuruharan]

Announcer: Greetings sentients and welcome to the first day of the Second Age Survivor brought to you by Jack’s Rented Mules. Remember, when you need a rented mule, Jack’s got the…uhhh, something or other for you! I’m joined in the booth by my good friend and colleague Bob.

Color Commentator: Hello. (Gin and tonic please.)

Announcer: And down on the sidelines we have the lovely but agonizingly unattainable Amanda.

Sideline Reporter: Can it, creep!

Announcer: Isn’t she cute? Bob, what is your take on the action thus far?

Color Commentator: The bar doesn’t seem to be as well stocked here and the service is a bit slow. Oh, you meant in the game…well, it’s been a bit of a slow start. Sauron got an early vote followed by Glorfindel. Then the dwarfism that was so apparent in the last game reared its repetitive head combined with Glirdan sniveling pathetically about the number of dwarves in the last game (of course, he had absolutely nothing to do with the selection of the last field so he has every right to complain). Other than that, not much has happened. Well, the phantom has contributed a silly opinion that it is better to leave the big names for later. He is obviously not a connoisseur of the game or he would realize that it is much more fun to watch people get whipped up into a frenzy over irrelevant characters. It is my considered opinion we should get rid of the more famous characters first. This will generate fireworks from the beginning, stir up a lot of bad blood so that by the time the end comes around everyone will be attempting to gnaw each other’s legs off over a couple of characters who never spoke in the books. What great fun that will be!

Announcer: Splendid, just look at her thighs!

Color Commentator: What?

Sideline Reporter: POLICE!!!

Officer Walley: Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to take you down to the station.

Announcer: What for?

Officer Walley: For actions in flagrant violation of the Not on a Family Website Act of FA 600. Put down the chair and come along quietly and there won’t be any trouble.

Announcer: No! I have my behavioral privileges, same as other announcers. I’ll sue! You’ll be hearing from…

Officer Walley hits Announcer over the head with Mr. Billy Club

Officer Walley: I warned you.

Color Commentator: We’ll be right back after these brief commercial messages. (Where’s my gin and tonic?)

[Gil-Galad]

++Anárion


cause he died in a dishonourable way

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

++Ar-Pharazôn

He stole Tar-Míriel, gave her that [deleted] ugly name, and caused the world to go spherical, thus giving rise to timezones.

I curse your existence, Golden Boy!!!! (++Nilpaurion Felagund (who is not a legitimate candidate))

Oh, and victory for Tar-Míriel!

Post-traumatic possum. I'll get you yet, Daga of the North!

[Anguirel]

++FUINUR

Doesn't even have the fame to get some anonymous sorceror in the Fourth Age named after him.

Not nearly as stylish as Herumor.

In a word...superfluous...

[Lhunardawen]

++Ar-Pharazôn

to honor a sworn oath. And I'm sure only us who suffer perpetually from timezones understand the need to vote him off.

And no one touches my Ereinion!!!

[Lalaith]

++Ar Pharazon

There is a risk that his superficial bad-boy glamour will turn the heads of the younger and more impressionable viewers. We could end up with another Smaug-style winner scenario which would frankly be very dull two series in a row. Get him off early.

[Anguirel]

To save the Golden One (I doubt Lalaith will be surprised to hear I'm something of a fan)

--FUINUR, ++DURIN III, CALLED "TEDIUMHELM"

[Tuor of Gondolin]

+ + Durin III
Would this mean all the other Durin's move up I in order?

And since there are others, it's really not a huge loss,
even to the dwarves.

And while there are some babes in this Survivor
(albeit some somewhat overly assertive) what
happened to that 50's style mom, Almarian.

[Kuruharan]

Hmmm...opportunity to annoy Anguirel.

++ Ar-Pharazon

[the phantom]

+ + Durin III

Because I want to save Ar Pharazon.

The guy had some serious guts and power. He and his navy scared Sauron's armies so bad they deserted him, and when Ar Phar went after the Valar they wet their pants and went crying to Eru to take care of it.

You gotta keep someone like that around for a bit.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

What disrespectful comments, phantom. I will make it my goal to see that Treebeard wins this contest.

[Tuor of Gondolin]

The guy had some serious guts and power. He and his navy scared Sauron's armies so bad they deserted him, and when Ar Phar went after the Valar they wet their pants and went crying to Eru to take care of it.

Yeah. If professsional wrestling had been around think of the
bad guy tag team of Ar-Pharazon and Sauron (until, of course,
the stunning moment when one turned on the other- perhaps
getting a better offer from Saruman).

Perhaps a steel cage match against Beren and Finrod Felagund.

[Kuruharan]

Because I want to save Ar Pharazon.

Sorry phantom, Ar Pharazon is cooked. It is the kiss of death to have your name mentioned much. He may linger a little bit, but his bid for victory is already over.

[The Saucepan Man]

Originally Posted by Kuruharan

Hmmm...opportunity to annoy Anguirel.

And the phantom, too.

How deliciously irresistible.

It is time to revive the Alliance of Doom!

+ + AR-PHARAZON

... and on and on and on, each day until he is removed.

[Kuruharan]

It is time to revive the Alliance of Doom!

Sounds like a good idea!

[the phantom]

So, Kuru and SP, you want to immediately vote off someone who has done great and terrible things? And here I always thought you two were intelligent.

If we continue voting off the big names we will be left with naught but weak, little known characters, around which it is difficult to find real reasons to rally, and the game will become less of a battle of Middle Earth characters and more of a silly and ridiculous shouting match between Barrow-Downs members.

But if that is indeed what you want, go ahead and support the ugly beer-slopping Durin III over the great and powerful Ar Pharazon.

And Eomer, you seriously want Treebeard to win? Come now- the day an Ent wins a popularity contest is the day the world will end.

[Lalaith]

If we continue voting off the big names

Who said anything about continue? A few of us want to see the back of A-P, for what seems to be an eclectic set of motives. That's all. Plenty of big names left after he's gone, the great golden fraud.

[Kuruharan]

the game will become less of a battle of Middle Earth characters and more of a silly and ridiculous shouting match between Barrow-Downs members.

Exactly!!!

We don't call it the Alliance of DOOM for nothing.

The game is about vendettas, not characters.

[Anguirel]

Sigh.

--DURIN III TEDIUMHELM

Allow me to gently suggest that, in a co-operative attempt to stop these power-tipsy demagogues, those who wish to foster actual literary debate unite against a third, anodyne candidate?

++FUINUR

You know it makes sense...

[the phantom]

Sure, Lalaith, there are other big names after A-P is gone, but he is one of the biggest and the baddest. A-P was the most powerful ruler of the entire second age! This is "Survivor: The Second Age", isn't it? Then how can you get rid of the Second Age's biggest dictator this early? That's stupid.

The game is about vendettas, not characters.

How absurd. If this game isn't about the characters, then I hardly think it qualifies as being Middle Earth related, and therefore the thread should be deleted by The Barrow-Wight.

If you want to be foolish and make the game vendetta driven, just generate a list of random names like "Bob" and "John" and don't even bother pretending that the process is somehow Tolkien related.

[Lalaith]

That's stupid

Nah. That's tactics.

[the phantom]

That's stupid.

Nah. That's tactics.

That may be true, but it does not make what I have said untrue, for tactics other than my own are, without a doubt, stupid.

[Anguirel]

Nothing tactical about a straightforward charge towards someone you don't like!

Ah, my system wasnae perfect, but the narrative stuff would have protected poor Goldie in the early days...

[JennyHallu]

++Ar-Pharazon

For being tacky, and because bandwaggoning is fun!

[Eonwe]

I can see I'm gonna have a tough time of it here in the Second Age. I could see half of the contestents winning...

HOWEVER, there are some, namely

++Durin III,

that are less endearing than others...

[Anguirel]

My attempt to avoid a boring standoff with two options is clearly doomed to failure. But I shall retain my dissenting vote for the third candidate, and see if any have the wit to join it...

[Eonwe]

Well, Ang, I find it a bit ironic for one such as yourself to speak of 'power-tipsy demagogues'. By the very nature of your stratagy, you are setting youself up to reign suppreme.

Oh and one more thing: Shame, Gil-galad, shame!

[Anguirel]

I can't be drunk on power.

I haven't attained any.

Yet.

[Kuruharan]

Oh, but you have. See, the Saucie/Kuru Alliance of DOOM (to which you generously contributed the name) was partially constructed to annoy you.

Believe me, I know what I am talking about here, you have power when people want to annoy you.

Although, at the moment, I'm admittedly more interested in annoying phantom.

Why don't you join us for a bit? Then we could have the Ang/Saucie/Kuru Alliance of Uber-DOOM!! (Notice how I offered to give you top billing.)

Edit: Maybe we should offer Lalaith a spot in the Alliance of DOOM and call it the Alliance of Ultra-DOOM...

[Anguirel]

That would entail you releasing Goldie and hunting Fuinur, about whom, to be fair, we know zilch. The fellow hasn't opened his mouth yet. He's obviously banking on playing the ethnic minority card to secure victory...

If you think talentless people should be given a free ride by virtue of their melanin while interesting extroverts go down like dominoes, go ahead, vote for poor maligned Ar-Pharazon, and I hope you're pleased with yourselves...

[Kuruharan]

I hope you're pleased with yourselves

Very. We're annoying already.

My master The Saucepan Man will be pleased.

[the phantom]

Then we could have the Ang/Saucie/Kuru Alliance of Uber-DOOM!!

Oh, please. You could stretch your alliance to include nearly every member of the Downs and it still wouldn't be worthy of using the term "uber"- not when its goals are opposed to what is right (ie what the phantom says).

The only alliance deserving of a grand title around here is Kuru and SP's alliance with uber-idiocy.

[Lalaith]

A spot? What sort of spot?