The F.A.Q.E.

[Bergil]

This is where you give humorous, inaccurate answers to Tolkien-related questions. No rule against doing a question someone else has already done. I'll start.

Q:what is the Lord of the Rings
A:The title adopted by Sauron the Maia when he invented the Cellphone. I think someone wrote a book about him.

Q;who's this Tolkien I keep hearing about? didn't Peter Jackson write the film?
A:Yes, but a lot of the good ideas came from J.R.R. Tolkien, a scriptwriter who was fired for writing too many scenes, and so making the films too long.

Q:who is Tom Bombadil
A:"Doc" Emmet Brown

Q: Do balrogs have wings?
A:Yes, but they're like buffalo wings.

That sort of thing.

[Valesse]

Q: What/Who are the 'Rohirrim'
A: 'Rohirrim' is the sound that someone from Rohan makes when they clear their throat.

Q: Did Legolas have siblings? (omg lolzor, and other chat speak)
A: Yes. Mary Sue, Gary Stu, and Conan.

[arcticstorm]

Q. What shape are elven ears
A. While all elven ears are leaf shaped it is a little known fact that the type of leaf they are shaped like depends on which elven kindred they belong to
The Noldor have Maple leaf ears
The Teleri have oak leaf ears
The Avari have redbud ears
orcs have poison ivy ears.

[The Elf-warrior]

Q: Who was Denethor?
A: Middle-earth's most famous charcoal maker.

Q: How was Legolas able to keep his hair in order?
A: Because Aragorn made Pippin Legolas's slave after he caught him rummaging through his loveletters from Arwen.

Q: Why didn't the sons of Feanor forget their oath and save Middle-earth a lot of trouble?
A: Because they bet big money that they would get the Silmarils back.

Q: Why didn't the Eagles take the Ring and destroy it?
A: Because they were on strike.

Q: Why did both the Barrow-wight and the Witch-King at the battle of Pellenor Fields have visible eyes?
A: Because the Barrow-wight made the Witch-King moderater of the Ego forum.

[Morai]

Nice ideas so far, hope mine measure up:

Q: What are the Barrowdowns?
A: A resort that people visit to get depressed.

Q: Who rescued Frodo from the Black Riders and brought him to Rivendell?
A: Arwen (Glorfindel only claimed he did when drunk) did with her personal taxi cab service.

[Maeggaladiel]

Q) Why are hobbits so short?
A) So they can fit through the doors of their hobbit-holes.

Q) Why don't hobbits wear shoes?
A) They like the squishy feeling they get when mud gets between their toes.

Q) How come Arwen and Elrond are brunettes but the other elves are blondes?
A) Pfft. Everyone knows that Legolas and Galadriel totally bleach.

Q) Why does Gandalf come back from the dead?
A) He wanted more screen-time than Boromir.

Q) Why do dwarves and elves hate each other?
A) There was a horrible hair-bleaching accident... We don't like talking about it.

Q) Who was that tall blonde dude who stands next to Galadriel in the first movie?
A) Her hair stylist.

[Mithalwen]

Q What is the Gap of Rohan

A The flagship store in Middle Earth of the well known chain. The extensive range of desirable stock was the true reason that Gandalf was reluctant to pass through on the journey south. He knew that they would never get Legolas out of the place. It is also the reason for the Lorian elves somewhat circuitous route home after the wedding of Aragorn and Arwen. Galadriel wanted a new wardrobe for her forthcoming cruise.

[Fordim Hedgethistle]

Q: Do balrogs have wings?
A: No.

Or, even funnier, and certainly more inaccurate...

Q: Do balrogs have wings?
A: Yes, but they don't work.

Q: What shape are Elves' ears?
A: Pointy.

Q: Is Eru God?
A: No.

Q: Was Legolas Blond?
A: Yes.

Q: What do wargs look like?
A: Lemmings.

Q: What really happened at the Cracks of Mount Doom?
A: Gollum just slipped, purely by accident.

Q: Was Celebrian raped?
A: No.

Q: Did Arwen and Aragorn have sex before marriage?
A: No.

Q: Do orcs have belly-buttons?
A: Yes.

[Mithalwen]

You haven't really understood this have you?Most of those answers are spot on....

[Meela]

Q: Who was Denethor?

A: Not who, but what. Denethor is Minas Tirith's most efficient and inexpensive form of lighter fuel, particularly noted for its use in beacons. The popular myth that Denethor is indeed named after a person arose on the night that Faramir almost burnt to death in a freak accident on the night of the annual ceremonial Gondorian Barbeque Contest, when in a desperate bid to win, he emptied an entire container of Denethor onto his barbeque, resulting in the destruction of much of the surrounding city.

Q: Was there really a battle at Minas Tirith?

A: No. The damage was all caused by Faramir's barbeque. The rumoured presence of several thousand orcs has been dispelled since it was confirmed that these were in fact Gondorian children, who had been rolling in the barbeque ash.

[arcticstorm]

Q.what is the Silmarillion?
A. The Silmarillion was the silmarill taken from Morgoth's crown by Beren and Luthien, It is known as such because at some point in its history it recieved an electrical charge, however it is still debated wether it was an silmarillanion or a silmarillcation

[Farael]

Originally Posted by arcticstorm

[...]it is still debated wether it was an silmarillanion or a silmarillcation

Gotta love that....

Back on topic,

Q: What is the real story behind Gollum and his "precious"?
A: In spite of what Bilbo will have you believe, the precious is not really The Ring. What really happened was that, after being alone for centuries, Bilbo was the first non-orkish or edible living form to stumble upon Gollum, who fell in love at the sight of Bilbo's hairy feet. After having a challenging riddle contest, Gollum kneeled and asked Bilbo to marry him, offering him a gold ring. Bilbo took the Ring but didn't take Gollum's hand. Gollum ran after him, still madly in love while muttering that "his precious" was escaping. Later on, when Gollum helps Frodo, it's only because he was trying to revindicate himself on Bilbo's eyes. Still, Bilbo was very embarassed as Gollum was outright ugly and made up this whole story about The One Ring, along with his accomplice "Gandalf" who was a magician that worked entretaining young hobbits for a living.

[Morai]

Q: Who is Gandalf?

A: A professional pryotechnic exhibitor, firefighter *cough*Barlog*cough*, diplomat, also a member of the motocycle gang "The Flying Eagles." His hobbies include smoking, grooming his beard, and pointing his cane at hobbits and reprimanding them for walking on his grass.

[Gothmog]

Q: Who is Gimli?

A: A funny, bearded little guy who worked as a comedian. His slapstick performances included falling of horses and when he did stand-up he burped, drank to much beer and was too short for everything.

Q: Who is Glorfindel?

A: Who? Glor- what?

[Morsul the Dark]

Q:Who is Tom Bombadil
A:A suicide bomber so proud he put Bomb in his name his real name is Tom Adil

****the fact that sounded slightly arabian is a coincidence and does not reflect my views


Q:what is a hobbit
A:A habit is something like biting your nails.
Q:........no a hobbit
A: a hob bit...is a bit of a hob i suppose
Q:no....nevermmind


Q:Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
A:Peter Jackson although some sceptics believe that some JRR Tolkien Wrote which is of course bizarrely false and makes no sense after all this book version of the movie is nothing lik the movie just a cheap knockoff...I could go on for hours


Q:Is it true they orginally looked at Sean Connery to play Gandalf
A:Yes but think about it James Bonmd as Gandalf.....I mean its bad enough for Ian to uncloak.....

[Morai]

Q: What is Lord of the Rings?

A: Lord of the Rings was originally a comic book saga, most likely manga from Japan. Later J.R.R. Tolkien adapted it to a novel, and consequently took credit for its creation. His grandson Peter Jackson decided 100 years later to turn it into a stage musical that was entirely faithful to the novel.

Q: What are LOTR fans?

A: Members of an exclusive cult that involves deadly requirements for memberships (i.e. reading skills) Little is known, for members of this secret society won't share their secrets for fear that their plots of world domination will be crushed.

I hope no one was offended by the last one, I'm in an absurd mood today.

[Farael]

Q: Who are the Ents?

A: One of the most Ennoying bugs in this plEnet, the Ents Ere hervivores End work tirelessly Ell yeEr long (hope someone got that)

Originally Posted by Fordim Hedgethistle

Q: Do balrogs have wings?
A: No.

Q: Do orcs have belly-buttons?
A: Yes.

i heard they had belly button piercings, mainly circular, ring shaped in memory of the One

[Morai]

Q: Who/What is Merry?

A: A VERY happy hobbit.

Q: What is a orc?

A: Orc is an acronym:

Obviously
Rank
Cabbage

[Gil-Galad]

Q: Why Did Gil-Galad die?

A: So Gil-galad can say an awesome saying "Zombie Guards! Sieze them!"

[Valesse]

Q: What are "Ents"?
A: Very, VERY good reasons to celebrate Arbor day.

Q: How is Arwen's fate tied to the Ring?
A: ... (This is actually a very good question that I would like an answer for myself.)

Q: What do the Men of Dale do?
A: Whatever the Men of Dale want to do.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

As any fule kno, Arwen's fate is tied to that of the One Ring with a clove hitch. The idea of tying fates together with binder string dates back to the reign of Tar-Sumuwin the Absent Minded, who was terrified that his destiny would be lost. He changed his mind when he discovered that his destiny was to get lost on a voyage from Umbar to Mithlond and sail around in circles until everyone was dead. By then, of course, it was too late.

Should two fates prove incompatible, they can be separated quite simply with a Mithril pocket knife or the mystic device known as nál scissar. That a sheet of cartridge paper can do the same thing if walked around three times anti-clockwise beneath the stars is a profoundly idiotic superstition.

Q: Where can I find out more about Middle-earth

A: British Library Cotton Vespasian F.CLXVI contains a Latin account, probably translated from Greek, of a journey through what appears to be a part of Eriador made by a group of early ascetic monks. Although its primary interest is in contrasting the eternal joys of Heaven and the ephemeral pleasures of eating mushrooms, it makes for pleasant reading nevertheless.

Corpus Christi College Cambridge MS 999 is a heavily condensed account of the events described in The Lord of the Rings, which nonetheless mentions several details that are omitted by the Red Book of Westmarch. Most interesting among these is an account of the actions of Sharkey's ruffians after they left the Shire. According to this version of events, they used what little money they had left to buy into a pyramid scheme introduced to them by "a certain lord of the Longbeard Dwarves, who appeared to them mounted upon a great wyrm". Although several lines are illegible at this point, the narrative resumes with the narrator's account of the last ragged survivor's rambling lament, so perhaps profits were lower than expected.

Alternatively, you can find some links at Philip Pullman's personal website. He's always happy to answer questions about Middle-earth from enthusiasts, particularly novices.

Q: Are there any more books in the series?

A: Yes. A trilogy of novels was released in 1968-9, entitled The Lord of Gifts, The Shadow in the East and The Last Alliance. These three prequels are not widely known, since most fans hold them to be vastly inferior to The Lord of the Rings. These are sometimes referred to as 'The Breaking of the Fellowship', and in a satirical reference to this phrase, the chapter of LotR originally known as The Parting of the Ways was renamed in the 1975 Swedish edition. The change was taken up in all future publications.

Q: Who began the first 'who's your favourite?' thread

A: Hercules Athelred Grimthorpe of 12 Waterloo Gardens, Churston Magna, Wiltshire. It was begun not long after the publication of the first edition of The Hobbit in 1921, and began with a letter to the editor of The Salisbury Gazette.

Q: I've heard that Elvish is based on real languages. Is that true?

A: Elvish (more accurately Balearic) was influenced by four human languages: Navajo, Old French, Afrikaans and Aramaic.

Q: Who were the Inklings?

A: They were an obscure group of Icelandic marxists, who published a radical left-wing newspaper between 1947 and 1950. When they were eventually arrested for stealing paper clips, a copy of Farmer Giles of Ham was found among the furnishings of their camper van. Due to this association, the book was banned in several European countries, the last to lift the restriction being Luxembourg in 1987.

Q: Are there any translations of the Elvish poetry on the web?

A: No, but Galadriel's song in Farewell to Lórien roughly means

I dreamed a dream next Tuesday week
Beneath the apple trees
I dreamed my eyes were two pork pies
And my nose was Stilton cheese
The clock struck twenty minutes to six
When a frog sat on my knee
I asked him to lend me eighteenpence
But he borrowed a shilling of me.

The verbatim use of this anonymous nonsense rhyme suggests that its author may have been J.R.R. Tolkien himself.

Q: Did Tolkien know C.S. Lewis?

A: They did meet once at a meeting of the Oxfordshire Mothers Union. Both had got the wrong evening for a lecture on the development of the Arthurian tradition in medieval French romance. Owing to the obvious embarrassment of the situation, they avoided each other studiously for the remainder of their careers.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

It's terribly bad form to post a reply to myself, I know; but this thread deserves far more apocryphal FAQ entries.

Q: How long did it take Tolkien to write The Lord of the Rings?

A: Its length is deceptive, since Tolkien was a genius. It took him thirteen weeks to write and a further month to revise for publication. It would have taken less time, but he originally wrote it in Hebrew and had to translate.

Q: Are any of the locations in Middle-earth based on real places?

A: Yes. Gondolin is a pastiche of the picturesque Berkshire village of Staines; Tol Eressëa is Manhattan Island, and Barad-dûr is intended to represent the Eiffel Tower.

Q: Where can I find a copy of Tolkien's letters?

A: Tolkien's letters are unpublished. Some people were lucky enough to receive letters from him, but most of the quotations you will see on the internet have been made up to win arguments.

Q: What is the Silmarillion?

A: It's a detailed sylistic critique of a progressive rock group, and was originally entitled Silly Marillion. The corruption is due to a typographical error in the first edition that was never corrected.

Q: I've heard that Tolkien was interested in Old English: what is that?

A: Old English is old-fashioned or long-winded English, such as you will find in nineteenth-century legal journals. Tolkien liked the style because it made it more difficult for people to understand what he was saying.

Q: On what date was Frodo's birthday?

A: January the eighteenth. This is the Feast of St. Spurius in the Julian calendar.

Q: I've seen a book called Sir Gawain and the Green Knight with Tolkien's name on the cover: what is that?

A: Sadly, when an author reaches Tolkien's stature he acquires many imitators; and some are unscrupulous enough to use his name to promote their own fiction. E.V. Gordon was such a man, and his lightweight fairy-tale about the king of the land of Blancmangia and his transformation into a beetle was mistakenly attributed to Tolkien for decades.

[Farael]

Q: What was 'the war of the rings' all about?
A:In spite of the misleading story about The One Ring yada yada, what sparked this war was another kind of ring... the kind that goes riiiiing... riiiiiing. Indeed, after conquering what later became Minas Morgul, Sauron got ahold of a Palantir... and yet he never, mind you never, gave the good folks in Gondor a "call". They swore a vendetta on him, and so the true war started. It was by chance that the artifact that would cause the dawnfall of Sauron was, well... a ring

[The Elf-warrior]

Q: Where did Tolkien spend his childhood?

A: He was born in South Africa, but when he was 7 he joined with Cecil Rhodes in prospecting for diamonds. During the night, he awoke to discover he had an elephant in his pajamas. He shot it, but he couldn't dislodge the tusks. He ran home to mom, who traveled to Tuscaloosa, Alabama to see a specialist in tusk removal. This incident caused in him a life long fear of elephants, and this was reflected in the Lord of the Rings and its negative portrayals of Oliphaunts. Then he and his family moved to Birmingham, Alabama, where his father was an exterminator. Tolkien developed a lifelong loathing of spiders because of his father's stories about the gigantic spiders he battled every month.

Q: When did Tolkien ever come to England?

A: When Tolkien was 10, he tried to befriend a wolf with disastrous results. After Tolkien came home from the hospital, his parents moved to Oxford.

Q: What were Tolkien's political and religious beliefs?

A: They were all over the map. He was a Catholic, a Buddhist, a non-denominational Protestant, a Theosophist, a Wiccan, a Neo-Platonist, an Odinist, a Gnostic, an Animist, and a Moravian at various times. As to politics, he was at times a paleoconservative, a neoconservative, an enviromentalist, an anarcho-capitalist, a hippy, a neo-Nazi, a Tory and a Wig.

Q: How did Edith die?

A: She died in a freak vacuum cleaner accident.

Q: Is Lord of the Rings an allegory?

A: Yes, it's an allegory of the dearth of good ham sandwiches after WW 1.

Q: How did Tolkien die?

A: His lifelong fear of elephants was fulfilled. While he was at the Oxford zoo, an elephant broke out of its cage and trampled him to death while he was watching chatting sqwerls.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Due to popular total absence of interest, I've prevailed upon myself to compose further additions to this vital tool of scholarship.

Q: Why 'Middle-earth'?

A: In Magdalen College (actually pronounced Muslin Collage), the Senior Common Room and Junior Common Room lie on opposite sides of the main building. C.S. Lewis' rooms, being placed directly between them, constituted a 'middle hearth' (all these rooms were heated by fireplaces). Being a family man, Tolkien quickly came to regard the bachelor's study as a fairy-tale wonderland, in which knocking out one's pipe on the furniture, drinking dangerous amounts of crusted port and belching names from Norse literature were permissible. Lewis' marriage therefore constituted a threat to this escape route, which is why his wife became the model for Sauron.

Q: On which academic subjects did Tolkien publish?

A: His scholarly works include A Post-Structuralist Analysis of Sino-Japanese Military Law 1804-1912 (1924), The Existentialism of Beatrix Potter (1931), Geoffrey of Monmouth: Pioneer of Historical Realism (1942) and Arthur's Economic Policy: a Numismatic Reconsideration (1949). He was also one of the contributors to Eustacia Psmyth's pioneering work: Demn'd Elusive: Baroness Orczy and the Theology of the Early Orthodox Church (1951). Much of this work was so ground-breaking that scholarship has yet to catch up with it.

Q: What was the TCBS?

A: These initials stand for 'Tripe Crumble, Beans and Sprouts'. This was Tolkien's favourite item on the menu of R.N. Dill's Cafe, Birmingham. While still a boy, he formed a secret society based on the appreciation of this unusual delicacy.