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Old 07-19-2020, 01:35 PM   #125
Huinesoron
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: The north-west of the Old World, east of the Sea
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Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.
Okay, taking this out of order, I'm going to look at Captivity before the notes on my translations.

-I... can't make the Elves' first section scan. I can just about handle the second half ('Like hammer') if 'shield' is two syllables and so is 'ham'ring', but the first half escapes me.

I think I can suggest 'raised' to replace 'cracked' for the shield, to evoke Fingolfin before Morgoth. I feel like there's better options than frightening (kind of understated) and hammering (repeat of hammer), but without knowing how they're meant to scan... :-/

-Sauron 1, in contrast, is wonderful.

-Elves again... I'm finding more syllables than you've written (a completely different issue to last time!). I think I can safely suggest changing the last line to 'By ship or floe' (as in ice floe), but the rest is beyond me.

-Sauron 2... I see your problem. How about this:

I feel ill at ease about that purported minstrel
Who would dare to challenge me with song in battle fell
Next to him, the rest of them won't give me any gain
Let the strongest warrior the last alive remain!


The last line is great!

-Elves & Finrod: this scans perfectly, so I don't know what's throwing me off earlier! I actually quite like the arrow/ruthless/breath/song setup you have.

-Sauron... has a sore throat. Right. I don't think once/times works as a rhyme, but how about 'falls'? If the second line runs [i]Let him face it many times as each companion falls![i], then I think it works. The third... take the second version, but change 'before his' to 'in his own', to emphasise that it's Finrod's own mind that will make him responsible? Again, I love the last line.

-Finrod! I'm... not entirely clear on what Finrod is saying here (in the original either). I think the first line might work better as 'The price you've set, my honour to defame', to explicitly refer back to Sauron's own 'price'. The last line... um, Finrod, he just said it's the right price, not that it's too high. And wouldn't Sauron be more 'such a little price to pay'? Do you understand what he's saying?

-Final lines: I like these. 'Here' works just fine for the ending; I like 'now' but can't find a single rhyme for it.

And responses to your first post after my last:

-Sauron/Morgoth: agreed, on reflection. Not sure why they want Morgoth to live in the ice; maybe they needed the rhymes too.

-I habitually capitalise the Sea when referring to Belegaer; I probably shouldn't.

-Luthien v. House Feanor: to play up Curufin's casualness, how about 'Just choose one'?

-^_^ I owe a debt to the Leithian Script for 'your king', where Beren winds the Feanorions up by saying exactly this.

-'Land of Woe' - I think 'army' needs to say, because 'force' could easily cover the Ten. I'm happy to lose 'the'.

Okay, back to Wind. I think we can clean Amarie's motivations and meanings up a bit here. I'll have a think now, and post separately.

hS
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