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Old 07-11-2020, 02:35 PM   #68
Galadriel55
Blossom of Dwimordene
 
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Huinesoron View Post
Are the two 'damn you' lines meant to be 'I'm really angry you did this', or a literal 'curse you'? Either would work, I think.
It's a literal "curse you". "May you be cursed/damned as you stand at the Black Gate".

Quote:
I quite like starting the lines with "Doom", it's got a nice feel to it.
It might take some getting used to, but it does drop the first offbeat syllable and gives the line a heavy start musically. I will have to experiment with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
The artist of his own destruction[/i]
Oho! Thumbs up!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
So is that 'Что' in the Russian a relative pronoun 'who'?
In this case yes, "who" or "which". Sad is the fate of a king who caused calamity and ... grumbling? Not sure how to translate the last word. Whispered dissatisfaction? Your "whispered treason" sounds quite nice. The V2's translation of "unrest" is also an accurate description.

Quote:
Does that 'ash' need to rhyme with 'king' again? 'Ruin' would work but has an extra syllable. Hmm...
It's a near rhyme, which is why I thought the powerful phrasing of "crumble into ash" overweighed the need for rhyming.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
Your throne will soon be tumbling
Enshrouded in the Curse's black cloak
Fell doom has fallen on the King
Fell doom has fallen on the King
Under the hand of his own kinsfolk!


Where 'tumbling' is a three-syllable word.
I like Line 2, I think that makes the most sense of the versions so far. I am not sure I like the first line though. It's powerful stuff, a prophecy of coming doom, and this version doesn't hit it home.

I will keep thinking of a better rhyme - same as for Luthien's lines - and vote that for now leave it as "ash".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
I assumed they just hate everyone. ^_~ I actually figured the throne falling was aimed at Finrod again. Melian's just doing what her daughter does to Sauron: taking their words and turning them to her own ends.
That's also a valid interpretation. But I think it's the opposite, since they echo Melian/Thingol and not the other way around. Melian wouldn't take their words for her own ends, this isn't her fault! Don't blame the messenger.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
How about:

What is "hatred" and "fear"?
That works very well for the rhythm. But then "hate" is referenced later twice, I'm not sure how well that works if the definition line is altered.


Quote:
Originally Posted by hui
Um. Okay:

To dance in the forest
To taste rowan-berries bright


Which is very Luthien, and has overtones of 'we just party all the time, it sucks'.
Hehe, Tralalalaly Luthien. ^.^ I like the reference to her dancing. It's a go!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
The Consolidated Version (can I say "English Libretto"? I think the term is broadly accurate) should be up to date now; I'm going fishing for an image to accompany Hatred.
"English Libretto" makes it all so official sounding.

I kept editing the previous post with more stuff from the hum-through that is not updated yet (slash you've disagreed with in your last post). I may have put in the edits after you saw the post.
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