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Old 07-11-2020, 11:43 AM   #64
Huinesoron
Overshadowed Eagle
 
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: The north-west of the Old World, east of the Sea
Posts: 3,778
Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55 View Post
Huh? You ideally want to rhyme "target" and "singing". Sorry if I garbled the message.

I think "To target sent it speeding" checks, I'm not quite happy with the inversion. "And sped it to its landing" preserves the structure, but sacrifices "target". Honestly, if nothing good comes to mind, we can leave it as is and as promised I will keep fiddling with it for weeks to come. :-D
Wow, yeah, I really missed the point there. How about And homeward sent it speeding?. You can drive a nail home, so shooting an arrow home works too.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55 View Post
While on this piece, a question of curiosity: how do you naturally pronounce Beor: BE-or or be-OR?
bey-OR, nowadays, because I first encountered umlauts in German, and I have trouble remembering Tolkien uses them differently. But I'd put the emphasis on the second syllable even if I said it right.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55 View Post
As for Luthien's part - the only thing that may require alterations is the rhyming scheme. It's there in her second verse, and I'm trying to figure out how to get the other two to work. Would you say that "snow" and "brow" are rhymes? I feel they are close enough that I don't wanna change those at least.
Um, yikes. I think snow/brow is an allowable rhyme. So it's an... xAxBxAxB structure, I guess? (Or rather, the writer split each line over two lines for readability)

Quote:
Originally Posted by G55
[isn't that how you pronounce "everyone" anyways?]
Habitually yes, but it's probably worth highlighting, because ev-er-y-one is permissable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by G55
[technically the last syllable "ty" here overlaps with "They're", but since 2 people singing it's not an issue that requires fixing]
I don't particularly like 'emnity' either, so if there's a 2-syllable alternative I'm all for it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by G55
[this should rhyme with "seas", like "I was / cause" above. But I just don't know how to get them to rhyme without sacrificing the beautiful imagery and structure you have going]
Drat, missed that one. The "dry seas" line was a struggle - I think the original talks about cliffs. Does 'dust' rhyme well enough with 'was'? In which case Rivers do not run in seas of dust.

Quote:
Originally Posted by G55
[this one is awkward though, it has to go too rapid-fire what Luthien has been doing with these lines. "The red rowan berries bright" flows easier, but loses "taste".
To taste rowan-berries bright, then? "Immortality is to taste" makes sense grammatically.

Other than that, I think I've just accepted everything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by G55
WOW! You are really rocking the imagery in this song. It sounds very nice.


EDIT: crossed with your post. Aaaah, another song to work on! I am barely keeping up with the drafts! Thankfully weekend ahead with theoretically unlimited computer time.
^_^ Thank you, and yeah - I'd apologise, but I'm not gonna.

hS
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