I actually like your version better! It comes ouut more accurate in terms of the meaning ("a symbol of good fortune" - I would have put omen of luck if that rhymed with anything useful). If you do use success, I think that actually chanhing it to "hope of success" might add a little extra touch.
And the translation is not a perfect transcript but it gets you to the place where you need to get, which is exactly as it should be. Only thing I would say is it's not "my Yes" so much as "your Yes", or at least "a Yes". Amarie leaves Finrod a yes, if that makes sense. Indeed, who knew that Yes is so hard to rhyme! But it's also the second part, which is vague and hard to make sense of: if not for the old quarrel, everything might have been different. How do you rhyme that? Unless you somehow end it in "curse", but that also strays awah from the text. Honestly, you're doing such a fantastic job with this, it's ridiculously impressive.
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You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera
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