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Old 07-20-2020, 03:55 AM   #134
Huinesoron
Overshadowed Eagle
 
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: The north-west of the Old World, east of the Sea
Posts: 3,778
Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.
Trying out 'bold for suggestions' again.

The Camp

Do not call me "king", it's a foregone title. > I've forsworn that title? A bit more oathiness, and a bit more agency for Finrod (he gave it up; it wasn't just lost.)

I like the way you worked with the Lord of Fetters stanza; it's good.

Okay, that nest line... eesh. How about this?

Driving me forth like a bird not yet ready to fledge.

The following line... well, I can't get it to scan, but I don't think castaway fits anyway. It only rhymes with 'way', right? Could we switch the first line back to 'down this road and go for something like:

For the Oath's sake I was cast out, braving the Sea and bitter Cold?

There are other options for 'will' - 'choice' is another big one. I really liked 'charge' as a direct synonym for duty, but it sounds too much like 'charge into battle'.

Either 'ashes' or 'ruins' works. Can we do domain instead of terrain? And is the Russian line closer to 'But nothing' or 'For (=because) nothing has been in vain'?

For the final echo, I have no comments, because I like it as it is.

hS
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