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Old 07-12-2020, 03:50 PM   #79
Huinesoron
Overshadowed Eagle
 
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: The north-west of the Old World, east of the Sea
Posts: 3,778
Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.
I promise I'll work through all of this tomorrow! But for now:

Quote:
I think I like the first one better, with nouns. But I would like your opinion on this before I dive in. I realize we've swapped places now, you're the busy one while I managed to post a million things. But when you have a moment, I would appreciate your thoughts
I agree. It flows much better, and "Yours is the (etc)" is pretty standard Archaic-Sounding English(TM).

Since I've not got headphones that fit my phone, I've only been able to work on the Finrod stanza you gave the rhythm and rhymes for me. I think I've got something that works:

This [Your/Our?] song's unfinished
Give me no more prophesying
There's much within it
Of spoken words and vows.
You see me standing
With the Western Wind behind me
No excuse allowed.
Lies poison spout
But there's no venom I've seen
Stronger than love's power. [I know it's an extra downbeat]

From these dark crags
Unto the shores afar
Where crowned with ssnow
Rise in song-spoken glory
Death-defying peaks.
Fear cannot speak
And golden and silver trees [Sorry, I had to!]
Bind death in their boughs.

Around the bow there ivy twines
Bowstrings again to harps belong
The blood trail flowers will stain white
And bitter curses become songs!


One thing jumped out at me in your yours/ours piece: is the 'sky-ships' motif that keeps coming up a reference to Swan-ships on the Straight Road? It might almost be worth just making it 'swan-ships' if so, since I think we've dropped any explicit references to them flying.

hS
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