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Old 01-09-2019, 02:41 PM   #8
Findegil
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Join Date: Jul 2002
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I copy this post from gandalf85, because I think this is where it should have been:
Quote:
Originally Posted by gandalf85 View Post
This chapter turned out great. First, some minor grammatical issues:

1) In the paragraph starting "A great host came out of Angmar..." there is a missing period:

Quote:
and the Dúnedain that remained there were slain or fled west Cardolan was ravaged.
There should be a period after "west".

2)
Quote:
He was not only one of those nearest by blood to the crown, but be had the greatest following of all the rebels
"be" should be "he".

3)
Quote:
In such time as he had Minohtar raising his own banner
There is a missing comma before "raising".

4) After GHA-SL-23:

Quote:
be went to the war in disguise, and was slain.
"be" should be "he".

I have a few suggestions/questions:

1) In the paragraph following GHA-SL-08, this is redundant:

Quote:
since they were the nearest in kin of lesser Men to the Dúnedain (being for the most part descendants of those peoples from whom the Edain of old had come)
GHA-SL-08 already establishes the Northmen as Edain and kinsmen of the men of the Dunedain. I propose just removing the section in the quote above. In addition,
in GHA-SL-08 it states that the Northmen "were in fact a bulwark of Gondor, keeping its northern and eastern frontiers from invasion; though that was not fully realized by the Kings until the bulwark was weakened and at last destroyed." The next paragraph says the men of Gondor "gave them wide lands beyond Anduin south of Greenwood the Great, to be a defense against men of the East." This seems contradictory: they were given the lands explicitly to be a defense against men of the East, but it was not realized that they kept the frontiers free from invasion? Maybe it was not fully realized how important of a bulwark they were. If that's the interpretation we are going with, I propose the following re-ordering:

Quote:
GHA-SL-08b <C&E These Northmen were descendants of the same race of Men as those who in the First Age passed into the West of Middle-earth and became the allies of the Eldar in their wars with Morgoth. [Footnote: The Northmen appear to have been most nearly akin to the third and greatest of the peoples of the Elf-friends, ruled by the House of Hador.] They were therefore from afar off kinsmen of the Dúnedain or Númenóreans, and there was great friendship between them and the people of Gondor. {They were in fact a bulwark of Gondor, keeping its northern and eastern frontiers from invasion; though that was not fully realized by the Kings until the bulwark was weakened and at last destroyed.}>
{These}The Northmen had increased greatly in the peace brought by the power of Gondor. The kings showed them favor, GHA-SL-08.1{since they were the nearest in kin of lesser Men to the Dúnedain (being for the most part descendants of those peoples from whom the Edain of old had come)}; and they gave them wide lands beyond Anduin south of Greenwood the Great, to be a defense against men of the East. For in the past the attacks of the Easterlings had come mostly over the plain between the Inland Sea and the Ash Mountains. GHA-SL-08.2 <C&E They were in fact a bulwark of Gondor, keeping its northern and eastern frontiers from invasion; though that was not fully realized by the Kings until the bulwark was weakened and at last destroyed.>
2) Before GHA-SL-14 it says "Then for weariness and fewness of men the watch on the borders of Mordor ceased and the fortresses that guarded the passes were unmanned. " But in the first paragraph it says the watch upon Mordor was already neglected before the death of Atanatar: "The waning of Gondor had already begun before he died, and was doubtless observed by its enemies. The watch upon Mordor was neglected." Is this a contradiction? Or am I missing something?

3) The addition of GHA-SL-14.5 is a great find but it feels slightly out of place. The phrase "King Telemnar died" is repeated twice in close succession and slightly after the paragraph which starts with the death of King Telemnar and his family. I propose this ordering:

Quote:
GHA-SL-13.5 {The King}In Gondor King Telemnar <Moved from GHA-SL-14.5 died within two years of the slaying of King Minardil by the Corsairs.> {and} And all his children died, and great numbers of the people of Gondor, especially those that lived in Osgiliath. <Moved from GHA-SL-14.5 Húrin, Steward to King Minardil, {who had} labored greatly for the ordering of the realm in the disastrous days of the plague{, when King Telemnar died within two years of the slaying of King Minardil by the Corsairs}. From that time on the kings usually chose their steward from this family, though a son did not necessarily succeed a father.> Then for weariness and fewness of men...
Then the later paragraph which previously had GHA-SL-14.5 becomes:

Quote:
When King Telemnar died the White Tree of Minas Anor also withered and died. But Tarondor, his nephew, who succeeded him, replanted a seedling in the citadel...
This flows more naturally to me.

4) Regarding the addition of GHA-SL-21 :

Quote:
Ondoher had only time to turn and face the assault with his right flank close to the Morannon, and to send word to Minohtar, Captain of the Right Wing behind GHA-SL-21 <based on the end notes and the King’s sister-son>, to cover his left flank as swiftly as he could, when the chariots and horsemen crashed into his disordered line.
Should "behind" be after GHA-SL-21 ?

5) I think the paragraph starting with GHA-SL-22 feels abrupt and out of place. I think it should be moved to after "When the main host of the Wainriders advanced to the attack it was then two hours after noon ... half a mile beyond the point where it turned east to the Watch-towers of the Morannon." The sentence starting "Men of the Eothed fought with Ondoher." still feels abrupt but I can't see an easy way to fix that. However, by moving the paragraph starting with GHA-SL-22 the section about the Wainriders flows smoother:
Quote:
The Wainriders came on in little order, still exultant and singing songs of victory, seeing as yet no signs of any defenders to oppose them, until they found that the road into Gondor tamed south into a narrow land of trees under the shadow of the dark Ephel Dúath, where an army could march, or ride, in good order only down a great highway. Before them it ran on through a deep cutting.>
GHA-SL-26 <C&E Notes on the continuation {they}[The Wainriders] were not long held up by the rearguard defence of Minohtar. {The Wainriders}[They] poured relentlessly into Ithilien, and late on the thirteenth day of Cermië they overwhelmed Minohtar, who was slain by an arrow. GHA-SL-27 {He is here said to have been King Ondoher's sister-son.} His men carried him out of the fray, and all that remained of the rearguard fled southwards to find Adrahil. The chief commander of the Wainriders then called a halt to the advance, and held a feast.>
Respectfully
Findegil
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