[The Elf-warrior]

by Clap Trap

I was working on an expose of the exploitation of Pelargian fishermen when I received a message from Annatar, normally known as Sauron, the Nameless One, the Dark Lord, the Enemy, or the reason why social welfare budgets have to be cut yet again. It was an invitation to meet him for an interview. I readily agreed. I traveled to the Black Gate, were I showed the guards my press pass and was taken away to Barad-Dur in a blindfold. When the blindfold was taken off, I was in a large room with black walls and a painting of Morgoth wrestling with Tulkas. Sauron was at a black oak desk piled high with paperwork. He was very polite and invited me to pull up a chair and start the interview. I asked him, "Why are you so hated?"

He answered, "I am hated because I am a rebel against the Valarian power structure. I joined Morgoth, at first because Aulë didn't appreciate my talents, but then Morgoth taught me that Eru was a fraud. He was invented by the Valar to justify their authoritarianism. For example, take the case of Míriel. She was plumb tuckered out giving birth to Fëanor and wanted to die, but Mandos, the most rigidly authoritarian of them all, wouldn't let her. And they had this big debate about whether Finwë could remarry. They decided he could, but they prohibited Míriel from ever coming back from Mandos's gloomy halls if he did. I thought the reason they were so upset with Míriel was because she wanted to die. Why does Finwë suddenly have all this power over Míriel's fate? I'll tell you why. The Valar don't like women having control of their own destinies. Even the female Valar put down women to stay in the good graces of their husbands. The Eru delusion again. It's not right, so they think. But I'm different. I believe in self-determination.

That's what I tried to give Númenor. I believe death is an enemy to be defeated, not an inevitable fact. They are not called the Undying Lands for nothing. And I had no idea that the Valar were so blood thirsty that they would destroy every last person in Numenor who didn't join the treasonous "Faithful." I'll tell you what they were faithful to: racism and authoritarianism. These people willingly cooperated in their own subjugation by the Valar and the elves."

Q: "Where did orcs come from?"

A: "They evolved from apes, just the same as humans, dwarves, and elves. Just because orcs are hideously ugly doesn't mean they are evil."

Q: "But what about the alleged atrocities?"

A: "They are Valar-friend propaganda. I admit the orcs sometimes don't take prisoners, but it's payback for long years of oppression. Beautyism is a pernicious philosophy that degrades minorities. And what about the millions of people the Valar killed in the downfall of Numenor? Human sacrifice is a beautiful thing. It's a way of adoring those who have given you everything."

Q: "Do Balrogs have wings?"

A: "I'm not telling you that."

Q: "What is your favorite food?"

A: "Mincemeat pie."

Q: "What is your favorite color?"

A: "Black."

Q: "What is the Void? Do you know?"

A: "It's a prison in the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. Rumor has it that Morgoth has built a fabulous kingdom called Sha Ka Ree there. Sorry! I'll have to end the interview. I've tons of paper work to catch up with."

I said good-bye and was blindfolded again and let off at the black gate. I hope you enjoyed this glimpse of the kinder, gentler side of Sauron; the side they don't want you to know about.