[TheMisfortuneTeller]

I've tried my level best to lampoon (in prose and verse) what I consider a truly terrible idea for a Middle Earth character: namely, the elf-chick/security-guard, Itaril. Still, even a complete cynic like me can't always conceive of just how bad ideas for movies have become. It seems, fellow Crimestoppers, that the actress Saoirse Ronan "stars" in a just released film called "Hanna," where -- I kid you, not -- the plot proceeds as follows:

"Storyline

Hanna (Ronan) is a teenage girl. Uniquely, she has the strength, the stamina, and the smarts of a soldier; these come from being raised by her father (Bana), an ex-CIA man, in the wilds of Finland. Living a life unlike any other teenager, her upbringing and training have been one and the same, all geared to making her the perfect assassin. The turning point in her adolescence is a sharp one; sent into the world by her father on a mission, Hanna journeys stealthily across Europe while eluding agents dispatched after her by a ruthless intelligence operative with secrets of her own (Ms. Blanchett). As she nears her ultimate target, Hanna faces startling revelations about her existence and unexpected questions about her humanity."

I have no idea what this can possibly mean, in regard to The Hobbit, but this Hanna character sounds awfully close to the original casting-call description for Peter Jackson's idea of a butt-kicking elf-babe love-interest like Itaril. Perhaps Jackson and Company have seen an advance screening of this movie, Hanna, and barely escaped choking to death while laughing and vomiting at the same time. Perhaps this near-death experience convinced them that they'd better rethink the whole stupid idea -- possibly just forget all about it. Or, they could have decided that the part would have worked out better if only another "more convincing" actress had done it, in which case something really awful could still lie ahead for us gullible viewers a year-and-a-half in the future.

I don't know. I feel sick. I'll have to give this a little more thought. After all, I haven't had my prescribed dose of masochism for the day.