Working on the Duel again. A few changes to Finrod first:
With the Western Wind behind me
No excuses now.
Lies are poison foul
'No excuses now' to imply 'they've all been stripped away'. I might even go with 'no illusions now' - how does this match the Russian? It's got a nice double-meaning in English, referring to both his disguise illusions, and the illusion that the Rebellion was glorious.
'Lies are poison foul' - Jareth!Finrod sings it so this would scan. 'Lies poison's foul' would work if we absolutely need to cut a syllable out.
Blood trail by flowers is stained white
I don't like the line saying 'the blood trail flowers', because 'flowers' is a verb too, so it sounds like the blood trail is
spreading.
Moving on to Sauron 2, nice and easy because three of the lines already exist:
Feeble imitation of Creation's first design
How can such as you hope to restore a single line?
Nothing you can do will change one note of Arda's Song
In a pattern tight are woven threads both dire and strong.
I see you will lose even the little that you have.
Left with bitter memories - do you have strength for that?
That second line draws from the original translation, rather than the literal meaning. I like it, because restoring the Song is the whole point of Finrod's Vision of the Second Music, found in the Athrabeth. It also points to the answer - Fnrod's belief is that
Mortals will carry out said restoration.
(Finrod references this, very obliquely, even in the Silm. His last words to Beren are "and it may be that we shall not meet a second time in death or life, for the fates of our kindreds are apart", which invite the corollary, "... and it may be that we
will.")
Now on to Finrod:
FINROD:
In land of mem'ry
Runes are carved on ev'ry boulder
There harps are playing
Unchanging is their song
And at my shoulder
Shines a peaceful world untainted
Rising like the dawn.
Mem'ry is strong
Naught is forgot; rememb'ring
Guards me from all harm
Mem'ry endures
Behold, my eyes are bright
Where falsehoods and illusions
Vanish with the night
This law is right*
Beneath the skies illumined
With untarnished light
Heeding the song of memory
Of Light before the Sun and Moon
I sing the ancient melody
Raising my strength to counter you
Strength to counter you!
I love the thematic feel of this verse (and links directly back to his burning memories
). The only line I'm really unhappy with is "This Law is right". I think my non-rhyming version was just "This is the Law".
Might as well do Sauron, since we've already got most of this bit!
SAURON:
There is only one who can wield power in this world:
He who breaks the chains that bind him from his freedom earned
But Elves are naught but slaves who ever curse their rightful Lords
Mockeries pathetic of the ones who came before
Games of light and darkness are beyond your feeble kind
You are mine to do with whatsoe'er I bring to mind!
That was actually trickier than I thought. I don't like 'freedom earned' much, and 'whatsoe'er I bring to mind' feels forced to fit the rhyme, but does fit with Emo Sauron's portrayal.
I can tell both translators liked this song: they've made more effort to fit the rhythm and rhymes than for most of the others. Hopefully I'm doing it justice.
I know I need to look over Emo Sauron's Pity Party and the Epilogue; I'll get there, I promise!
hS