[Huinesoron]

Originally Posted by Galadriel55

Рябина is both rowan and wild ash (which I believe are actually the same trees). Their berries are very pretty, you can make all sorts of stuff out of them. They ripen late in the fall and you can eat them after they frost over, that's when they taste best apparently. I never tried them myself.

Whaaaat, you can eat rowan berries? How did I never know that? (They're pretty much my favourite tree.) I may see if I can make it scan with 'rowan', because Tolkien references.

Originally Posted by Galadriel55

chya LYOH-ka-YA ru-KA (Whose [LA la] fingers fair)
ye-YO skvoz OB-la-KA (Chose its course through the air)
mog-LA na-PRA-vit k TSE-li (And sped it to its target?) *which ideally would rhyme with the last line, but not critical for the song to work

Whose fingers skilled and fair? Which archer's/bowman's fingers fair? Do you have any of the discarded versions saved up somewhere by any chance?

SIGH. I don't have the old versions, but I think they were still short. I like 'fingers skilled and fair'. As for 'target' - something like 'And sent it speeding there' would rhyme, but doesn't quite scan.

Originally Posted by Galadriel55

This needs to be altered for rhythm purposes. You have the perfect number of syllables, except the downbeats don't match the words. You end up having singING, and arROW pierCING.

This one I'm going to push back on, because singING/pierCING were intentional. That said:

Chase shadows out as arrow swift, piercing

Because arROW always annoyed me.

Other than that, I think I've just accepted all your suggestions.

Originally Posted by Galadriel55

If you want to actually go through them aloud together, the offer of skype'n'all still stands. I am home all weekend and likely get off work early on Monday. If you're interested, shoot me a PM and we'll coordinate.

Maybe! I'll see how the timing o'er the weekend works out.

Originally Posted by Galadriel55

Hey, that's me! I do revisions! I am abysmal at functional drafts because my inspiration (ie the state in which you believe that what you're making is actually good stuff) dies out too quickly for the draft to become functional, but I can revise it for months after!

Oh, excellent. We may stand a chance then. ^_^

By and large I've just accepted your changes to Luthien & Beren, too, with a few exceptions:

Originally Posted by G55

Enemy's howling is quiet

Enemy's footsteps are silent. We need the silent to emphasise that they're gone, not just stealthy; and I think the original line said footsteps anyway.

Originally Posted by G55

I thought you a wild [?] beast

Um... I pronounce 'wild' as 'wi-uld' when singing. Sorry. ^_^ I'll look at it.

Originally Posted by G55

I believe only 2 places where I thought your meaning diverged from the Russian lyrics. The first is when Beren talks about death as his companion. In Russian it sounds quite ominous: "Death was protecting/watching my back: it needs me alive, I know it!" Like what the flip Beren, this is psychological horror movie stuff! The other place is when Luthien banishes Death: "I banished Death, but Eru knows, I did not know what I banished!" It feels more like a continuation of her rant on lack of experience with death, only having immortality as a secondary interpretation. I think both are appropriate in this context, and I like the way you phrased yours; to a degree I think it might be worth keeping the nice phrase and rhyme and sacrificing Luthien's ignorance (or innocence).

I'll look over both of these and see what I can do. Luthien's in particular I struggled with, so it might not be doable (or having more guidance might solve the problem!). We shall see.

Originally Posted by G55

There are two ways you could say "my": "moyey" and "moyeyu". V2 Beren still sings the first one, I think, but it's kind of hard to tell because he stretches the word to the point where it blends with the latter version.

Curse you, ThugBeren!

Originally Posted by G55

And now, seriously, ENOUGH.

hS