The Coming of Beren to Nargothrond
BEREN:
Is this not the wonder-filled* Nargothrond,
Refuge that to mortals has been forbidden?
Is this not the fair Finrod's golden throne
Upon which he governs his kingdom hidden?
ELVES:
You passed from under darkened dome,
You enter now the secret land.
BEREN:
Take me to Finrod's fabled home!
ELVES:
First tell us: are you foe or friend?
Are you foe or friend?
BEREN:
I must see Felagund, your King,
I must see Felagund, your King!
I beseech you, lend me your aid, my King!
To my father once you have made a promise
You gave him in battle a jeweled* ring
To repay with friendship his faithful service!
I would ask assistance of you, my King!
Barahir in battle once saved you, fighting!
After battle you gifted him your ring:
Token to you both of a promise binding!
FINROD:
This Man I recognize!
The son of that brave hero
Who saved me from demise,
To whom I owe my freedom!
BEREN:
Finrod Elvenking*, you are just and fair,
But with bitter poison is filled your kinsman. [peccant poison?]
To me love is greatest of gifts I bear, *
But to him my love merely is a reason!
Pure love for his daughter my heart commands [Pure love for his daughter commands my heart] **
He does not permit us to be together
For her hand a Silmaril he demands [For a Silmaril with her hand he'll part]
Such is his high price for his kingly honour!
FINROD:
What would you have of me,
Son of the Younger People,
To whom in time of need
I pay with service equal!
BEREN:
I would fain and gladly my love defend, **
I would fain fulfill the will of another,
I'm prepared to fight in a battle fell
With the Lord whose towers are black of colour!
I ask: give me men to lend strength in fight. [who would help me fight?]
I will challenge Him*** who sits on the Dark Throne
In the barren wasteland, the heart of Night;
From his crown I will tear a sacred star-stone!
FINROD:
One can't escape one's doom...
How could I have foreseen this?
This thought leads to a tomb
A vow from slumber rises!...
BEREN:
Carefree is the life in your halls, my King!
Years of blissful joy you have counted many.
Take back now your gift, your now worthless ring!
It has come to be of no use to any!
FINROD:
I hear naught but madness in what you said. [There's despair and madness in what you said?]
Thus finds me the chalice with my doom brewing.
I esteem my honour above my head,
But your fey idea will be our ruin!
BEREN:
If you could love until **
In love alone you'd have faith,
The cursèd Silmaril
You would in your own blood bathe!
Overall I am quite happy that I managed to get through an entire song, which I didn't imagine I'd be able to do. But there are a lot of downsides to the way it's written now. Some rhymes are not at 100%, some content had to be changed or shuffled, I occasionally rely on stretched syllables too to fill the rhythm. Most importantly, I think, my phrasing throughout is too heavy-handed or weird, or not very Tolkienesque. I still end up following the Russian structure a lot, but in Russian sentence inversions are a lot easier than in English and don't sound so overbearing. And if there is a way to change the heaviness around to make it flow better, make all the changes you see fit! It's your turn to edit for style and content!
* Specific words that I am particularly not happy with and need replacement.
- Wonder-filled: wondrous lacks a syllable. Wonderful doesn't have the same meaning. Marvelous fits but its usual meaning is also off. Why is it that words that used to express an effect on the viewer - wonderful, marvelous, awesome, fantastic - came to mean a very good evaluation (or a very bad one, in the case of awful)? How do you say "wonderful, but in the literal sense of the word?" :-( The literal translation would be more like "fairy tale", but I was hoping for a more suitable English description, and wondrous fits (a city Beren has only heard of in tales, probably very beautiful and skillfully built, well - like something that pops out from a fairy tale). If there was one more syllable. ><
- Jeweled: was initially "golden", but that description is more fitting for a different Ring. Reading the description, it seems that other than snakes the prominent decoration of the ring was emeralds. But if there is a way to replace this with a less bizarre description, or rework the line to take out this word...
- What do you think of Elvenking? I can't decide if it's quite good or quite bad.
- Likewise, what do you think of "Love is the greatest of gifts I bear"? It's supposed to be "to me love is a precious gift", but in translation does it sound a bit like Beren is bringing the gift(s), as opposed to receiving them?
** Entire verses that definitely need reworking. The one where Beren explains that he is in love with Luthien, I have two versions, and aren't happy with either. When Beren tells Finrod what is it he wants - I got stuck on that verse, and ended up filling the space with nonsense and tautology. I am especially unhappy with the last line, but I want to keep the meaning of the second line (I want to fulfill another's will) because it's such a poignant description of Beren's situation. And the last stanza - Beren is supposed to say "if only you loved, breathed love alone [like air], you would bathe the ill-fated Silmaril in your blood". But it doesn't come out right.
*** My grammar is blanking, please help. I've read this so many times that words stopped making sense and King Gelafund is headed for Thangothrondrim. Does Him need a comma after it, before "who"?
When Beren pleas for two verses, he repeats lines 1 and 3. I played around with them here and made them different. Do you think it's better to keep just the better-sounding of the two versions?
I thought that my main joy would be the first two stanzas, Beren pleading for help. But at the end, my favourite lines are probably "I esteem my honour above my head, But your fey idea will be our ruin!". It feels like a perfect depiction of the original lines, without any stylistic or content stretches, and I love Finrod's dread at the coming choice.
When Finrod asks "what would you have of me?", it's clear from the context that this is what he means. But in Russian, until he sings the rest of the stanza, it could also be taken as "what else did you expect?", which I find hilarious in a parallel content universe way - but unfortunately untranslatable. But imagine for a second...
I looked at the partial V2 translation after I finished the first draft top to bottom, and I was surprised at how similar most of the lines are. The places where they differ significantly is where I deviate from the text. We use the same words to describe things, and I wasn't referencing the translation for the initial draft, only as a comparison for later editing. It's scary similar.
PS: one of my friends read your translations and was very impressed, especially at how faithful they are to the original. She is eager for more songs, and may even be able to coordinate a small ensemble of equally enthusiastic people to trial them with music. :-)
PPS: Going back to the Oath, I think that while typing in snatches of breaks I forgot to mention that I absolutely love the new lines, "One single hope for the House of the Houseless, Sworn is the Oath, though all Arda reject us!". Both the earth part, which I told you about, but the layers of meaning to Houseless as well. Among other things, the fact that their houses have just been destroyed in the Bragollach and they are refugees more than guests in Nargothrond. Perfection.