[Morthoron]

Estelyn gave Morthoron a subtle wink, for she well knew that parody and satire were hallmarks of Moriquendi culture (hence, "Dark" Elves). Morth took the cue and ran with it.

"Minor characters," he intoned so that his baritone growl echoed unto the furthest recesses of the hall, "are the very stuff of what you mortals call 'fan-fiction'. To build a plot around a personage who was mentioned in passing, who barely had a bit of scripted dialogue, and who had no part to play in the greater story line, is, suffice it to say, the sophomoric act of making Mordor out of a molehill."

The Dark Elf threw back his cloak for added effect and concluded, "Therefore, in honor of that time-tested tradition, I give you a song - a ballad as it were - of just such a character. One not so noble, not very heroic, and certainly not worthy of the time it took for me to come up with the rhyme scheme. In any case, drink up, for the drunker you are, the better I shall sound:

Bill Ferny was a brute of a man -- yes, he was!
Bill Ferny was a brute of a man -- yes, he was!
His character was minor,
And his grammar weren't much finer,
Yes, Bill Ferny was a brute of a man.

O, he was a man who lived in Bree,
Just like the whole damned Ferny family.
Bree-Men had names from botany
Like Goatleaf, Butterbur and Photosyntheses --
Photosyntheses?
Plural, if you please.

Don't ask Bill for a piece of his mind,
Or engage in pleasantries to pass the time.
Just be prepared to suffer a crime --
The greedy bugger would rob you blind!
Rob you blind?
Watch your behind!

Bill Ferny was a brute of a man -- yes, he was!
Bill Ferny was a brute of a man -- yes, he was!
He used the mild expletive 'garn'
That's synonymous with 'darn',
Yes, Bill Ferny was a brute of a man.

O, he had a house on the edge of town,
Crackerjack built and quite rundown,
With an overgrown hedge that ran around
To hide his lawn unmowed and brown.
Unmowed and brown?
A toxic dumping ground!

And in his house with the broken panes
That ne'er kept out the wind and rain,
Did naughty acts better left unnamed
With sheep and chickens and ibex from Spain!
Ibex from Spain?
It rhymes with rain!

Bill Ferny was a brute of a man -- yes, he was!
Bill Ferny was a brute of a man -- yes, he was!
He was a secret spy of Sharky
Whose retorts were always snarky,
Yes, Bill Ferny was a brute of a man.

O, Bill sold Sam a broken nag
For 12 silver pennies in a burlap bag,
And in delight he hid his swag
Beneath a pile of dirty old f*gs!
Dirty old f*gs?
Did I stutter? Did I lag?

And when at last they rode from Bree,
Frodo and Strider and the whole company,
Bill did sneer, but was forced to flee,
When Sam, apple-tossing, hit his nose with glee!
That line sucked!
Who gives a......

*Ahem*

Bill Ferny was a brute of a man -- yes, he was!
Bill Ferny was a brute of a man -- yes, he was!
There ain't much more to say,
But I'll say it anyway --
Yes, Bill Ferny was a brute of a man.
No, there ain't no more to speak
Cos' I've got to to take a leak,
But Bill Ferny was a brute of a man....

Cha-cha-cha!