Thanks for all the comments! They're great!
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Originally Posted by Huinesoron
Tell, O Heather, tell me the truth
Green must grow your summer attire?
'Does green grow' really jars; I think this flows better.
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Agreed. I wasn't a fan of that word combination.
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Originally Posted by Hui
The 'Look, my dear sister, look' line catches me out every time. I'm not sure why, I can tell it scans, I just can't manage to sing it.
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It is purposefully a little out of rhythm, to match what they've done with the Russian text (they reverse the downbeat on the first two-syllable word). Look-my-dear flows as a triplet. But maybe we can flag it as something to review by skype?
Also, I was considering "Look, sister", which sits in the rhythm very comfortably, but 1) I need syllables and 2) it sounds a little menacing. Look here, sister, this is how it's gonna be.
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Originally Posted by Hui
Sunset behind us dies, in front of us - another day. - how about 'the coming day' or 'the dawning day'? The former implies 'we'll get there eventually', the latter 'I can already see it'.
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Agreed. But I can't decide between these options, they are both very good and have their own appeal.
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Originally Posted by Hui
Skillfully adorned
Every burning word.
Just to say I really like them.
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I was very proud of that one. I am glad you like it too.
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Originally Posted by Hui
I feel like this one:
But at the end of Loss, in land without [] grief or pain
Has a missing downbeat in there. I may be wrong, though? If it is missing, we could reinsert it with in land released from grief and pain, or devoid of grief and pain?
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I was reading "out" as 2 syllables, but your versions flow better. Again, really like both options, and both have their appeal. I feel like "released" might be the more Tolkienesque of the two, but I may be mistaken.
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Originally Posted by Hui
-I liked 'foresee in thought', so good call. (I think you've used 'Ou-ur' in one line, then 'Aar' in the second? Not sure, but I feel like there's a downbeat missing if you pronounce them both as one syllable.)
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Yes, it's 2 syllables the first time and 1 the second. Not ideal - if you have suggestions, they are most welcome.
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Originally Posted by Hui
-If we really wanted to switch to 'snows', there's always:
How amid the shadows and snow
He could hear your call from below?
Which adds the ambiguity of whether 'below' is the dungeons of Tol Sirion, the pits of Angband, or the Halls of Mandos. It does lose some lovely imagery, though.
-An alternate:
Was the rustle of your wings
Mightier than kings?
Black and dreadful wings!
Or perhaps:
Was your wingtips' silent beat
Stronger than my grief?
All-consuming grief
Or something like that. (The flippin' wingtips have made it back in again! I'm never going to be rid of them.)
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I will need to sit this one. I don't have time atm but will muse around later today.
When coming up ith rhymes initially I avoided "below" as reference to death because it seems like an "our world" concept that is not really echoed in the legendarium (maybe TA a bit, but not FA Elves so much). But is still works in its idiom form.
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Originally Posted by Hui
-They do sound a bit like they're getting married, but that's kind of an eternal problem with duets. No problems here.
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Good!
Because I like that line and wasn't sure what I could replace it with if it didn't make the cut.
I'm fond of this translation, and with the polishing I think it will be quite good. It's the other one not meeting the mark that was giving me grief last night. It will be a project for later today too.
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Originally Posted by Hui
On the sky-ships: I realised last night that it's not (just) about the Straight Road: It's Earendil. In "Truth", Finrod associates them with the 'golden dust', which in Silm terms can only be the jewelled dust that covers the Mariner when he walks through Tirion.
I like this interpretation; it makes Finrod's last lines his final prophesy, encompassing the success of the Quest, the fate of Beren and Luthien's line (in Elwing), and the destiny of the Silmaril. And Galadriel, of course, has a whole thing going on with the light of Earendil, so it works for her too.
hS
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So now we have a third interpretation for the same concept. Wonderful! ^.^
On that topic, I like the emerging theme of "the heights". Never once mentioned in the Russian, but they keep cropping up in very apt places and are creating a multiple-layers theme of their own. :-)