[Galadriel55]

Rhythm-wise, I think it's easier again if I just point out the places that don't fit. Will also make notes on content in the same post. But as I am correcting for rhythm, I am not looking at rhyme. I will have to go back to that one (as it's so complex), for now just pointing out the rhythm scheme.


This song's unfinished
Give me no more prophesying
There's many words said
And many vows been sworn [An extra syllable, either "and" or "so" are extra]
I stand before thee
No excuses on the wingtips
Of the Western Wind [* see below]
Lie's venom stings
But [x] there is no poison [you may put another syllable here but it also works without it]
Stronger than is love
From these black cliffs
Unto the distant shore
Where snow-capped peaks
Are Glorified in singing
Rise defying death.
Fear is unknown [of note, he just says "there is no fear there", but I like this turn
And chains of tangled grasses
Bind death in their weave
---
Ivy is twined around the bow [though this follows the syllable count, it flows awkward in English. "There's ivy twined around the bow" has a more natural beat]
Bowstrings retuned to string the harp
Flowers will stain a blood-trail white
And bitter curses become songs
Curses become songs--! [love the content of the final 4-liner!]


* A note for content, not sure if the alteration is intentional: he says, I stand before you without excuses, rimmed by the Western Winds. To avoid confusion about excuses on wingtips, maybe "No excuses. Rimmed by wingtips"? But then it sounds like it's the excuses that were rimmed.


In general: pretty accurate content, and for the most part falls well into the rhythm! I wonder if it's possible to have the rhyming scheme preserved, it might not be. I think the ABAB at the end is doable, and we'll do our best with the middle.


Working on this ABAB, I came up with:

Around the bow there ivy twines
The bowstrings to string harp return
The blood trail flowers will stain white
And bitter curses become songs!