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Old 07-11-2020, 05:51 PM   #69
Galadriel55
Blossom of Dwimordene
 
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
Posts: 10,299
Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
As per earlier conversation:


Quote:
Oh, would that love had never heard of rules!
Oh, would that in this world love knew no rules!

Oh, would that love did not know any rules!

And one which actually addresses the stretched last syllable issue but instead stretches the grammar a bit:
Oh, would that in this world love did not know rules!

Oh! Maybe this:
Oh, would that in this world love knew of no rules!



More Minions, and just one stanza left before they stop haunting me:

We would put ourselves in fetters
As to entertain you better! [To amuse Your Lordship better? Nah, I don't like this structure, it's too convoluted]
We would even grey and wither
If you so command!

Not quite happy with the third line. The Russian says "We would even [have our hair] go grey", which to me sounds like a vague euphemism for "you have the power to make us wither away completely just for your amusement, and we will like it, because that's how stupidly powerful and cruel you are". I would like to replace "grey" with something more piquant, if an alternative comes up.

Also, "would" or "could put ourselves in fetters"? I'm flipping between the two. Basically, you can tell I'm having to force some fits when I have a dozen variants posted up without a dominant one.

Also, not very happy with Sauron's "Can you give a decent reason". That is something I might say in my daily life, but not something I imagine Tolkien using. For reference, the original says "I can't help but wonder that my [black] prison is empty".

For now I'll just update the doc with the new stanza in current form.


Another edit:

Maybe I can just get rid of the Minions once and for all.

O my Lord of Dark and Shadow
We all bow our heads before you,
How [Where?] could we find captives for you
At this hour late?

Meh. Pass? Fail? I could re-attempt this one. But if this gets a pass, definitely "could" for the one above.

Final (...I wish) thought on that piece: if there was a way to rephrase "get out of my sight" with the same contempt but to rhyme or near-rhyme with "command" it would sound nicer. I considered "from my sight! Away!" but it doesn't have the same ring.
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You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera

Last edited by Galadriel55; 07-11-2020 at 06:43 PM. Reason: The Minions showed up
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