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Old 07-11-2020, 12:17 PM   #65
Galadriel55
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
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Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
Quote:
What should we care if history condemns our final fate?
FYI, "history" here goes as "hist'ry". Alternatively, if this was not intentional, "What should we care if history damns our final fate". Or, "What should we care if history condemns our fate".

In the original though, I think they're saying they don't care how they will be perceived in history.

Another by the way - whenever I point out differences from the original, it's not always to change your version. Like this one works fine the way it is, the difference is just an FYI.

Quote:
We should another accomplish our vengeance, usurping?
Is this meant to start with "Why"? Also, U-sur-ping.

Quote:
Damn you fulfilling your outh while ours forever waits [/while we procrastinate, but I think that's a bit too silly]


Spellcheck on Oath, for neatness purposes once you post the song up on the Doc.

Re: Thingol's lines (separated here from the backdrop of CelNCur):

I feel the earth begin to quake
And whispered treason on the wind
Doom has fallen on the king
Doom has fallen on the king
And what a way to meet this dire fate!

The rhyming scheme should be [near-A]BAAB. So the last line should rhyme with "wind".

But speaking of the wind line, ideally (but again not strictly necessary) it would have another downbeat at the end. And an offbeat before "doom": "sad doom? a doom? his doom?" I vote for "sad doom". It fits for Melian too. But as for reattempting the rhyming scheme:

I feel the earth begin to ring
And whispered treason on the wind blows
Piteous is the fate of kings
Piteous is the fate of kings
Who are the cause of their own gallows


For the record, I don't like this one. But it follows the rhyming scheme. Hmm...

Sad doom has fallen on the King x2
Who was the cause of his own gallows


--> Better, but "gallows" is weird. Dunno.


On to Melian's lines, again consolidated here:

Your throne will crumble into ash
At the fulfillment of the Curse
Doom has fallen on the king
Doom has fallen on the king
Under the hand of his own kinsfolk!*

* Which, by the way, Melian, you are not quite correct about, but we forgive you this slight inaccuracy because of your otherwise awesome tongue lashing and because it sounds so good.

I think "curse" and "kinsfolk" are close enough, but they would fit better in the second line got that extra offbeat again: "At the fulfillment of the great Curse"?

Alternatively, the second line can be reworked for both rhyme and rhythm simultaneously: "It's shadowed by the Curse's thick cloak"?

The last point about Melian is that her final O My King is different in V1 and V2. V2 goes for "how vain you are", but V1 (and the full text on Lora's site) quote her third version, "what have you done". I think "what madness you have done" makes more sense here, and I'm honestly not sure why V2 went with the vanity. At this point, when Thingol it clutching his head in remorse, it doesn't make sense for her to say how prideful he's become.


Moving on to the Feanorian backdrop!
... uhh, awesome hateful Feanorians! Sometimes I am not sure who they are supposed to address their lines to. When they backdrop Thingol, they say "you'll die standing before the Glack Gates", so presumably that sworn enemy is Finrod. But when they backdrop Melian, they reference Thingol's throne falling, so they are talking to Thingol. And honestly both would be sworn enemies because both laid claim to the Silmarils and eventually everyone in M-E is their enemy. *Palpatine voice* Good!... Let the hate flow through you!...


This is a complex song, and I love the different personalities shining through. Your Feanorians and their undying hate are quite terrifying.


EDIT: and crossed again.
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