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Old 07-10-2020, 04:18 PM   #50
Galadriel55
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Finally home and able to write an answer!

The Coming of Beren to Nargothrond - REVISED


BEREN:
Is this not the wonderous Nargothrond,
Refuge that to Men has been long forbidden?
Is this not the fair Finrod's golden throne
Upon which he governs his kingdom hidden?

ELVES:
You passed from under darkened dome,
You enter now the secret land.
BEREN:
Take me to Finrod's fabled home!
ELVES:
First tell us: are you foe or friend?
Are you foe or friend?
BEREN:
I must see Felagund, your King,
I must see Felagund, your King!

I beseech you, lend me your aid, my King!
To my father once you had made a promise
You gave him in battle a jeweled ring
To repay with friendship his faithful service!

I beseech you, lend me your aid, my King!
Barahir in battle once saved you, fighting!
After battle you gifted him your ring:
Token to you both of a promise binding!
FINROD:
This Man I recognize!
The son of that brave hero
Who saved me from demise,
To whom I owe my freedom!
BEREN:
Finrod Elvenking, you are just and fair,
But with bitter poison is filled your kinsman.
Love to me is greatest of jewels I bear,
But to him my love merely is a reason!

Pure love for his daughter commands my heart
He does not permit us to be together
For a Silmaril with her hand he'll part.
Such is his high price for his kingly honour!
FINROD:
What were you thinking, friend
Whose kin I owe my freedom?
What aid can I now lend
Son of the Younger Children?
BEREN:
I would fain in battle my love defend,
I would fain fulfill the will of another,
I'm prepared to fight to the bitter end
'Gainst the Lord of Fetters in northern tower!

I ask: give me men who would help me fight!
I will challenge Him who sits on the Dark Throne
In the barren wasteland, the heart of Night;
From his iron crown I will tear a star-stone!
FINROD:
One can't escape one's doom...
How could I have foreseen this?
This thought leads to a tomb
A Curse from slumber rises!...
BEREN:
Carefree is the life in your halls, my King!
Years of blissful joy you have counted many.
Take back now your gift, your now worthless ring!
It has proved to be of no use to any!

FINROD:
I hear naught but madness in what you said.
In this poisoned chalice is my doom brewing.
I esteem my honour above my head,
But your fey idea will be our ruin!
BEREN:
If you have loved until
Love was your breath and water
You'd bathe the Silmaril
In your heart's blood and sorrow




First things first - starting from the top.

Quote:
-wonder-filled - given that you use 'fain' later, I think 'wondERous' wouldn't be inappropriate; it's slightly old fashioned but makes the point well. I also considered 'magical', but that shades a bit too much of Samwise.
I did not realize "wonderous" was an actual word. In fact, my computer highlights it in red and google corrects it to "wondrous". But language requires word inventions to accommodate changing meaning. Wonderous it is!

Quote:
-Refuge that to mortals has been forbidden? - this is one of those scansion lines. There's a slight pause in the middle of 'mor-tals'; if I were writing it I'd have said something like 'Refuge that to Men has been long forbidden'. But I'm not; I'm just noting it because I noticed it.
Right, that's an example of the heavy-handedness. It technically checks out but it's heavy.

Quote:
To my father once you have made a promise - I'm not sure that tense structure works. Technically it would be 'once you did make', but that's awful; 'once you had made' is probably better.
Yes, grammar. That thing that gets sacrificed first.

Quote:
I think 'jewelled' works well; jewels are a bit of a thing in this story, so it fits, and in Version Two I'm pretty sure what he's holding is a huge prop gem.
Hmm. I'm still dubious about it, but I trust your judgement.

Quote:
I think if the original text repeats the lines in these two verses, it's probably best to stick to that. I'd probably go with the versions from the first repeat.
Hmm. First line - possibly ("assistance" is not as Tolkienesque as "aid"). But third line I think is better off different. I think the second stanza doesn't flow as well with the "jeweled" line.

Quote:
'Elvenking' is nice... but 'Felagund' scans exactly as well, so I'm not sure why you didn't use it.
I've only thought of using "Felagund" as I was going to bed last night. And then I thought it sounds even heavier. On the flip side, "Elvenking" sounds a bit too Hobbit in English.

Finrod Elvenking, you are just and fair
Finrod Felagund, you are just and fair


Or - Great King Felagund?

Quote:
To me love is greatest of gifts I bear - how about 'Love to me is greatest of jewels I bear'? It ties back to the jewel theme, explicitly connecting their love to the Silmaril; makes a direct comparison with the Ring of Barahir; and doesn't imply he's planning to give said love to Finrod.
That's a way out! The reason it was "gifts" is because in Russian Beren says "for me love is a precious gift, for him love is merely an excuse". But your way works better!

Quote:
'Pure love' &c - I think your parenthetical version works pretty well, actually! 'commands my heart' is a nice turn of phrase.
The only thing both versions fail to do is remove the ambiguity of which of the love and heart commands the other. But the good part is that it doesn't really matter!

Quote:
What were you thinking, friend
Whose kin I owe my freedom?
What aid can I now lend
Son of the Younger Children?
I think this one wins because of "Younger Children". Evidently I forgot how The Sil sounds in English and am translating literally to the letter. *facepalm* I don't think it's strictly necessary to preserve the ambiguity, it just amuses me - especially with Finrod giving Beren The Look.

Quote:
The 'fain' verse. I really like 'fain', but my reworked proposal drops it entirely (because I think it works best as a pair, and I had to drop at least one):

I wish but to fight my love to defend
I would not reject the will of another
I'm prepared to fight to the bitter end
Against the Lord of Fetters in northern tower!

If you don't like the extra syllable in 'against', it can be 'With'. (And 'Lord of Fetters in' can be 'Lord of Pain in his', but I enjoy Lord of Fetters.) I'm pleased to hear you didn't like 'black of colour'; I stumbled badly over that line.
Oh god, "black of colour". That is easily the worst line there. I can't believe I didn't think of "tower" as a rhyme, considering I even used it in the sentence! I like your idea for the ending, but I wonder if it's possible to keep the fains. How about:

I would fain in battle my love defend,
I would fain fulfill the will of another,
I'm prepared to fight to the bitter end
'Gainst the Lord of Fetters in northern tower!


Quote:
A vow from slumber rises - For interlinking purposes, surely we have to say 'The Oath from slumber rises'? Finrod would definitely know that his houseguests are going to react badly to this.
Okay, when I got to this point I really facepalmed, because it's not even supposed to be "vow" by the text, it's supposed to be "Curse" - and if we choose to switch it up for interlinking purposes, of course it would be "Oath"! I have no idea how it ended up as "vow" in my head. You wouldn't believe how much I kicked myself this morning when I read your post.

Quote:
Thus finds me the chalice with my doom brewing - I think the grammar is doing too much work here. How about In this poisoned chalice is my doom brewing? The 'poisoned chalice' idiom in English has an implied 'handed to me', so I don't think it needs to be in there directly.
Oh yes, the grammar. (Do you see an emerging theme? )

It's the same in Russian, really. The musical says "Thus the hand of fate presents me my chalice", implying the doom. It could easily be changed to the chalice of doom with an implied "handed". Honestly, the necessary and sufficient requirement for the idiom to work is probably just "chalice". :-)

Quote:
The honour/fey lines are great! I'm not at all surprised you like them.
Happy that you agree. :-) I changed up Beren's "star-stone" line a bit to fall more naturally, and now that stanza probably comes in second place, as well as the denunciation.

Quote:
The final stanza. I'm going to cheat here, because Melian says something very similar in her Aria. So:
Yes. Definitely yes.

Thank you for the detailed comments! The piece absolutely sounds better with your suggestions. And the more we polish the lines, the more they will shine. So keep it going! :-)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Huinesoron View Post
Please thank your friend for me. It is nice to know the work is appreciated. The idea of someone actually singing these is incredible; would they work from the chords in the full Russian lyrics, or what? (I am not wise in the ways of music.)
So she knows someone who knows how to go about this properly, apparently. And yes, we'd follow the cords. I could play the first Thingol/Melian duet on guitar if I modify the cords to C (I believe they are in G as written). The rest of the songs I probably can only play on piano with a basic accompaniment; the cords are too complex for my guitar skills, and for hers too. Alternatively we find these other people she may be able to loop in, who include much better guitar players. But this is just an idea floating in the air. Keep in mind too that we live in different cities and don't see each other that often, so it may be a while before (and if) this actually happens. The other idea that had the audacity to float up during our conversation was that maybe we'd eventually translate the entire musical into a workable version... *falls quiet before things get jinxed*


The rest will get a separate post, this one is already long enough. Like you, I didn't necessarily intend to reply to every single thing, but it turned out that way anyways. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
__________________
You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera

Last edited by Galadriel55; 07-10-2020 at 04:25 PM. Reason: Grammar, what else could it be? *rolleyes*
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