Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55
If you are ever in doubt, by the way, I'd be glad to do the rhythm breakdown for you. All of the text is very strictly structured (another point to Lora and Lina!), but small deviations can be easily forgiven in translation.
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Thank you.
I think the Oath was probably the most difficult song, rhythm-wise; I don't think I had scansion issues on the other two, and most of the musical is more like those.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55
The second version is a perfect fit rhythm-wise, and sounds nice too. I really like the original Russian in that line, "the oath is sworn but the earth doesn't hold us", but I don't think it's translatable.
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Oh! Is
that what that means? Both translations use 'fate', which I originally rendered as 'doom' before cross-threading to 'oath'. 'Earth' is a totally different concept. Let's see now:
One single hope for the House of the Houseless
Sworn is the Oath, though all Arda reject us!
With 'Houseless' indicating both their dispossessed status (the honour of their House is lost) and the fact that, per the musical, five/six of the eight men of House Feanor are dead (=disembodied, houseless spirits) by this point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55
Meanwhile, I almost figured out a decent rhyme for the first Nargothrond stanza. Now nees the same for the second, and will post the result.
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Brilliant! Looking forward to it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55
EDIT: tried singing the Feanorian song again, and another line that made the rhythm trip a little is "the Oath is stronger than kin" in the first stanza. It corresponds to ДРЕВ-ня-я КЛЯТ-ва силь-НЕ-е родст-ВА. Might I suggest a small addition, "THE oath is STRONGer than BLOOD and than KIN"?
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Yeah, that's more of those flowing vowels; he also doesn't leave a space between this line and the next, so both have lost some of their syllables ("стали ангбандских" is a key offender here).
Checking the script, they should really be a single line (like the "We vow to you, Feanor" line next verse). How well does something like this work?
The Oath is stronger than kinship, than Enemy's grim and iron abode
I've revised it to fit the rhyme scheme and all.
I'm positive I'm still missing syllables, but I can't parse how many.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Galadriel55
EDIT 2: You can tell I'm back in the medical world when those expressions start seeping into my regular vocabulary. I was trying to see if the last line in Verse 1 can be forced back into the rhyming scheme, and what else would my brain come up with except for "the jewel-thief will code!" (to explain, "to code" is slang in reference to Code Blue, ie cardiac arrest).
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Okay, that is brilliant. ^_^
So we're looking for a rhyme with road/blood/abode, right? (Though all three end in different consonants in the Russian, and 'умрет' has a different vowel.) "Code" may actually work - no, not like that - but like this:
An ancient oath is leading our House down this road
An ancient oath has bound us together with blood
The Oath is stronger than kinship, than Enemy's grim and iron abode
But this is our fight!
This is our fight!
This is our fight!
Morgoth's death is our code!
As in "chivalric code".
Alternately, and I can't believe I missed this:
And the jewel-thief our foe!
hS