Apologies for the format, typed on phone. Starting from where Part 1 ends.
Look, my dear sister, look: I see Death is betrothed with Pride
Here all must be as one, but I cannot by this abide!
But I said: brother, dear, I will go onward anyway.
There is no hope for us, but far ahead I see the day.
Tell the truth, O Loyalty, tell
How you conquer (master) hearts of the brave? 1
How come by your banner remained
My ill-fated brother tall,
Most beloved of all,
Who'd forgiven all.
(How come by your side till the grave
Stood my faithful brother tall) 2
Tell me, Death, oh tell me the truth
How amid the shadows and ice
He could hear your call from the Night? (the summoms of Night) 3
How was mightier than kings (How was stronger than my skills) 4
Rustle of your wings
Fell and ruthless wings (Black and dreadful? Not true to text but flows)
Look, my dear brother, look: there is no peace for (restless?) heart 5
We share a single soul, but see how wide our paths do part!
But at the end of Loss, in land without grief or pain
The joining of our hands will light the sunrise of new day. 6
1. I think "master" makes a bit more sense. Loyalty doesn't really conquer. Thoughts?
2. I like "banner" (it is my addition, not present in original text), but overall I like the brackets version more.
3. Supposed to be "how amid the shadows and snow he heard your dark call". I like the ambiguity of "snows", "ice" is too exclusove for Helcaraxe. But I couldn't get a good rhyme for it, amd only had a near rhyme for "ice". I like the image of Death's summons though.
4. How do I say "How was stronger than me the rustle of your wings"? I like Galadriel's reference to herself, or perhaps indirectly to her affection for Finrod. But my pitiful attempt at working it in is, well, pitiful. The alternative with kings rhymes well but sounds silly. I will probably have to redo this.
5. Need a 2-syllable filler, and I thought "restless" might be apt. Any other suggestions?
6. Does it sound too much like they are getting married? I swear that in Russian they are holding hands very platonically.
Okay brain, you've finished the song (except for that weird love scar line), you've edited the song,
now can you go to sleep?
Edit # who knows: apparently still not!
Look, my dear sister, look: upon me love will leave a mark.
Agony lies ahead, I will not set foot on this track!
Yea or nay? Is it near enough a rhyme?
I'm the one doing the post overwhelm now, aren't I? I had a few minor points to suggest from my nighttime tinkering, but I think they'll wait for tomorrow after you get a chance to catch up. Now seep! Sleeeep! I believe in you brain! You can do it!
Late addition: changing Who's to Who'd to avoid confusion: I do not want it to mean "who is forgiven", Finrod is the one doing the forgiving.