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Old 07-11-2020, 12:37 PM   #66
Galadriel55
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Location: The realm of forgotten words
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Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
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Originally Posted by Huinesoron View Post
Wow, yeah, I really missed the point there. How about And homeward sent it speeding?. You can drive a nail home, so shooting an arrow home works too.
That works!

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bey-OR, nowadays, because I first encountered umlauts in German, and I have trouble remembering Tolkien uses them differently. But I'd put the emphasis on the second syllable even if I said it right.
Aha! I just proved a hypothesis.

See, I tend to pronounce it be-OR in Russian, but BE-or in English (this happens with most names TBH; the musical tries to pronounce "proper Elvish", but f.ex. in Russian I more naturally read fin-ROD and thin-GOL). In your stanza, the emphasis falls as be-OR (the Russian way for me). Which lead me to think that our English pronunciations differ.

Sorry for the tangent, back to the topic.

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Um, yikes. I think snow/brow is an allowable rhyme. So it's an... xAxBxAxB structure, I guess? (Or rather, the writer split each line over two lines for readability)
Yes. I guess there is so much text between each rhyme that it just doesn't fit in one line.

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I don't particularly like 'emnity' either, so if there's a 2-syllable alternative I'm all for it.
2 or 1 syllable would fit cleanly without overlap. Ummm... Loathing? Discord? Discord is too tame, and knowing Saeros probably not an alien concept for Luthien.

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Drat, missed that one. The "dry seas" line was a struggle - I think the original talks about cliffs. Does 'dust' rhyme well enough with 'was'? In which case Rivers do not run in seas of dust
It's "the river doesn't run amid dead/barren cliffs" - or even more like "rivers don't run amid barren cliffs" - but I think "seas" is actually an improvement, it requires less mental gymnastics to figure out that it's supposed to be a metaphor for incompatibility. Dust/was sounds good, and I'm really happy you got to keep "seas"!

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To taste rowan-berries bright, then? "Immortality is to taste" makes sense grammatically.
But then "The air of the forest" is out of place grammatically. Either both have to be in noun-format, or in verb-format.

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^_^ Thank you, and yeah - I'd apologise, but I'm not gonna.
Didn't think so.



EDIT: what? no crosspost this time? :P

ETA: I was singing though once again, and came up with a couple more points:

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When she came her breath made the leaves turn yellow
Actually, the original "brown" fits just as well. "Yellow" follows all the syllables that Luthien sings, but now that I know the tune better "brown" scans just as well, the extra syllable isn't necessary.

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Until you drew me out with the light of your heart
"Till" might be a little more comfortable here, less burden on the speech apparatus with the rapid syllables.


...reading/singing further:

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Between us now, shadowy road
"a shadowy road" flows better.

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There's no turning back from what is right!
"There is".

Also, "My grief is not the "no" that you confessed" still makes me flutter at how good it sounds, even after the dozenth read.

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My care for my beloved child
Is stronger than battle or slaughter
Is stronger than for war and slaughter?

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Hear now a truth you have forgot
After butchering grammar on a stone altar, I feel like I shouldn't. But Does "a truth that you forgot" sound more grammarly?
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Last edited by Galadriel55; 07-11-2020 at 01:20 PM.
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