A quick thought for consideration before it slips away:
But only after hearing your reprise
- or -
But only thanks to hearing your reprise
- or even taking one of your sentences but -
But only thanks to what you've said tonight
...Doesn't fix the "saying vs being" thing, but for some reason the word "share" rubs me the wrong way here more so than the others. I don't think I'm very fixated on this line, but I just don't like "share".
Also, do you think it's worthwhile trying to bring "revenge" back instead of "rage"? It would mean pushing "duty" out to one of the earlier lines, which in turn would mean having different content in the lines rather a triple repeat, but so long as there is some rhyme, I think it's ok. It's theoretically not impossible but the actual possibilities I think of are all weird.
But this is my choice,
This I decide:
Duty presides (abides?)
Never revenge.
Or the even clumsier:
But this is my choice,
This is my choice:
Duty I choose,
Never revenge.
I'm not sure if it's worth it to save the word but break the stanza. Thoughts?