View Single Post
Old 07-13-2020, 05:12 PM   #89
Galadriel55
Blossom of Dwimordene
 
Galadriel55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
Posts: 10,299
Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
Epilogue: Revised and Ready for Editing

In the hour when slumber calls
And the cloak of Night dulls the air
I don’t see these stone-carven walls
For I know that he is not there.

Tell the truth, O Heart, tell me why [is it worth breaking the structure to give it some lace?]
In the velvet twilight you weep?
Where lies he in his deathly sleep?
Why did my fair brother go
Many years ago [another filler line, but I justified it with LOTR-time Galadriel]
Into sunset glow?
Why did my fair brother tall,
Who'd forgiven all,
With the sunset fall? <-- is still on the table
Did he reach a final accord
In the daunting struggle with fate?
What left he behind in his wake [so far I am happy with the stanza]
In this young and imperfect world? [<-- but this line is filler and subject to modification]

An ancient Oath that brings ruin to who holds it fast.
An ancient glory and courage of kings of the past.
An ancient pride that lives on in those who see not grief nor trials vast -
But stronger is time.
No more, brother mine,
Of looking behind:
There is no going backward -!


Ours - the harbours grey with sky-ship sails [Too much? Should I keep it true to the ship's description and make it "white with sails"?]
Yours - the greeting of the coming dawn!
More strong than even steel of bonds
Above all words and oaths beyond
The only Law that counts, the Law of Love prevails!

Ours - the salt of sea-spray on the wind
Yours - a love to fill entire world
And if in this new world's account
Love is the only Law that counts
Our ancient world was but a brief prologue to it! [Or keep the first one: Our tale was nothing but a brief prologue to it! <--the more meta of the lines, so probably would be my pick]

Ours - of ships departed fading shade [vs the fading shadow of the sails - but I already used "sails"]
Yours - the ringing grasses of the spring
And if in this new world's account
Love is the only Law that counts
We were but dawn while you're the light of burning day! [Burning light of day? Burning sun of day? The sun of burning day? Or is that just unnecessary reference that spoils the image?]

Ours - the guarding of your night-dream realm [...maybe?]
Yours - the vast and dazzling universe
And at the [its?] end, in shadowed hall,
You'll take from mightiest of all
Your final gift, the greatest gift of Love itself!



Turns out I didn't have to scrap the whole thing. Looking at it with fresh eyes, quite a bit of it was decent. But I reworked the second half partly from scratch, leaving only the lines that I knew had to be there and seeing how I could build it up differently. And I like this a lot better. It seems like minor changes, but I think it makes a difference. Or it's just the placebo effect of two hours of working on it.

I am actually happy with how most of the Ours/Yours verses sound. And I feel that it's sufficiently meta to reveal all the necessary layers. But the more lace and layers, the better!
__________________
You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera

Last edited by Galadriel55; 07-13-2020 at 05:23 PM.
Galadriel55 is offline   Reply With Quote