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Old 07-13-2020, 11:38 AM   #87
Galadriel55
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
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Gonna start off with: I am amazed at how you manage to keep the rhymes and content in balance for Finrod's part. The Duel looks great! I have a few things to say, but I think I'll leave them for last to give it proper thought.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Huinesoron View Post
I know I need to look over Emo Sauron's Pity Party and the Epilogue; I'll get there, I promise!
There is no rush for that! More important to get the inspiration out into words while it lasts. Also, I was thinking to maybe even scrap the Epilogue and redo it, so don't spend your time on that yet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Huinesoron View Post
"But the only practical suggestion I came up with is swapping "time" and "years" in the 3rd verse, to rhyme with "reach". However, even little change makes it sound less picturesque than the way you have it now." < How about changing 'reach' instead?

That's forever beyond our ken

Time-Ken isn't too bad a rhyme.
As I'm singing that part of the song, I feel that unless the rhymes are strong, they are lost. They are too far apart to be heard if it's just a near-rhyme. Maybe another thing to flag for a sing-along.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
Checking the Silm, Beren actually calls it a "little price", and so:

Such a little price for his kingly honour!

It sounds a bit demeaning, but... it's meant to! Beren is super snarky.
Yeah, but he's snarky to Thingol, and this is Finrod, to whom he opens his heart and weeps when he recalls Luthien (whom he will probably never see again because of the stupid "price"). Also, it's a little price for a king's daughter, but not necessarily for the king's honour. I am not sure I agree with the reference in Beren's current context, even though it's a direct quote.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
What the cause and what the reason?
Taken.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
Can I suggest 'So to entertain you better'? Normally it would be 'so as', but I think I've heard just 'so'. (Also, shades of 'So, to business' and suchlike.)
Taken. Somehow in my head I've shortened "so as" to "as", but I trust you more on this. (Also, grammar, remember? That stuff got murdered in a dark alley somewhere)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
'Grey and wither' - I agree that swapping out 'grey' would be nice. Simple 'age' is always a possibility?
We would even age and wither if you so command! Hmm, maybe. Let's go with that unless something really good occurs to replace it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
I love 'It intensifies the boredom'. Oh, Emo Sauron.
I thought that line was very in-character.
(Also, I am childishly amused by the childish joke they played in V1: they have the minions bring Sauron a mirror to check out his new crown. Ah the things to nurture a Maia's vanity!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hui
I'm also torn over whether 'something out of order' is too silly or just right for this song. I don't really have an alternative, though.
I feel like if there is a place to go silly, it would be this song. I guess depends on how it's performed as well. The angelic choir in V2 works better for the captive Elves, but I prefer the minions in the appearance of the off-pitch but magnificent V1 goofs, which is probably why I have a somewhat silly take on the song.

I like If you so decree! and Get you gone from me!. Approaching your seat, though, is off-beat, and needs a bit more fiddling. I'm putting in the first 2 lines, and will work on this one later.

And now back to Finrod!
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You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera
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