View Single Post
Old 07-13-2020, 02:45 AM   #83
Huinesoron
Overshadowed Eagle
 
Huinesoron's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: The north-west of the Old World, east of the Sea
Posts: 3,778
Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.Huinesoron is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.
Right, I've found the time to go through Galadriel's prologue. I was going to post the whole thing for a line-by-line breakdown, but... I don't need to, it's very good. ^_^

Tell, O Heather, tell me the truth
Green must grow your summer attire?


'Does green grow' really jars; I think this flows better.

I've changed 'beloved' to 'belov'd' throughout, just to make the pronunciation clear.

The 'Look, my dear sister, look' line catches me out every time. I'm not sure why, I can tell it scans, I just can't manage to sing it.

Sunset behind us dies, in front of us - another day. - how about 'the coming day' or 'the dawning day'? The former implies 'we'll get there eventually', the latter 'I can already see it'.

I've flagged these two lines:

After bitter Fall.

Skillfully adorned
Every burning word.


Just to say I really like them.

I feel like this one:

But at the end of Loss, in land without [] grief or pain

Has a missing downbeat in there. I may be wrong, though? If it is missing, we could reinsert it with in land released from grief and pain, or devoid of grief and pain?

Going back to your notes now:

-'Dared' in this context is as in 'braved to'. As in, 'they dared the Grinding Ice'. I think it works.

-I liked 'foresee in thought', so good call. (I think you've used 'Ou-ur' in one line, then 'Aar' in the second? Not sure, but I feel like there's a downbeat missing if you pronounce them both as one syllable.)

-I think 'Why was so appealing your prize?' works well; Galadriel acknowledges that it was, but from her later viewpoint can't see why.

-'Master hearts' is good.

-I agree that the 'banner' version isn't as good as the one you went for (though I love the imagery).

-If we really wanted to switch to 'snows', there's always:

How amid the shadows and snow
He could hear your call from below?


Which adds the ambiguity of whether 'below' is the dungeons of Tol Sirion, the pits of Angband, or the Halls of Mandos. It does lose some lovely imagery, though.

-An alternate:

Was the rustle of your wings
Mightier than kings?
Black and dreadful wings!


Or perhaps:

Was your wingtips' silent beat
Stronger than my grief?
All-consuming grief


Or something like that. (The flippin' wingtips have made it back in again! I'm never going to be rid of them.)

-I like 'restless'.

-They do sound a bit like they're getting married, but that's kind of an eternal problem with duets. No problems here.

-The mark/track rhyme works.

Glancing quickly over your comments on the opening of the Duel: 'reveals' works fine, I knew the 'A' hung over but decided it was worthwhile, and I accept the 'gold and silver-leaved' amend.

I know it's quite cheeky to inject the Trees into a song from Beleriand, but a) the Lay of Leithian/Silm verse clearly implies that Finrod is singing of Valinor before the Fall, b) there's a double meaning, because the Trees themselves are now dead ("bind death in their boughs"), and c) there are both golden mellyrn and the White Tree Galathilion in Aman, so it's technically true anyway. Also d) I really wanted to.

On the sky-ships: I realised last night that it's not (just) about the Straight Road: It's Earendil. In "Truth", Finrod associates them with the 'golden dust', which in Silm terms can only be the jewelled dust that covers the Mariner when he walks through Tirion.

I like this interpretation; it makes Finrod's last lines his final prophesy, encompassing the success of the Quest, the fate of Beren and Luthien's line (in Elwing), and the destiny of the Silmaril. And Galadriel, of course, has a whole thing going on with the light of Earendil, so it works for her too.

hS
Huinesoron is offline   Reply With Quote