NO PAPER TODAY, SAYS PAPER GUY
by "Pickles" McSpankypants
Shock, horror and ambivalence swept the Downs today as alleged editor of the extremely unpopular "Barrow Downs Newspaper" announced via newspaper that there would be no newspaper today. It's about time somebody swept around here, it's getting grave-dusty.
Hookwilliam Fitzgoomba claimed that computer problems were to blame for the lack of gossip, slander and enraging lies that the population is accustomed to reading with their morning meal. Sources say that they saw sea-hag
Aganzir attempt to bite the offending computers to death, but Sources is a silly person who knows just about as much as Jon Snow, because computers can't bleed or feel pain.
"This is disappointing," said one
the phantom. "How are people supposed to read my own articles about how great I am? Looks like I have to go out and put leaflets on everyone's car windshields again."
"I'm for it!" said a man who looked like
the phantom wearing a fake mustache. "How else will people realize how much they miss reading about
the phantom unless they're not reading about
the phantom?"
"I sure am going to miss reading about
the phantom," said a man who looked like
the phantom wearing a dress and long-haired wig. "Anyone else? Anyone? Anyone? Please notice me!"
the phantom could not be reached for additional comments. We didn't even try, really, he looked so happy drawing up his propaganda posters.
Advertisers have begun lining up outside the door of the Downer's main offices, demanding remuneration and various measures of
Hookbill's flesh.
"As far as I know, we're all paid up," explained
Rune of Rune's Quality Beef fame. "I just thought my main office could use a bit of decoration, and I decided that a human foot would be gorgeous on top of the pile of rotted Beef."
Eonwe, spokesman for "Let Them Eat Lard" revealed that he actually owed
Hookbill money, but chose to line up because he believed that beating up people for no reason was "
Fun For The Whole Family(tm)!".
The Barrow-Wight Himself ordered Moderators to shut down their usual weekend "Cleanup Squad Response Team" in response.
"Usually on Paper day, tempers flare, riots start in the street, volcanoes erupt, blood is mingled with milk and honey, the usual apocalyptic signs," explained The Books Moderator
Estelyn Telcontar in a press conference that nobody attended. "We were pleased to see this morning that everybody was behaving rationally and politely in all forums and sub-forums. Posts in the Chapter-by-Chapter discussions have doubled! The Moderator team is hosting a huge party of special magnificence that nobody is invited to in celebration. It won't be all fun and games though. We will have to make a plan of attack for if the Paper returns. We're hoping we can get the Eagles to transport
Hookbill's printing press to the Cracks of Doom for us."
The Eagles are currently on tour in the US and could not be reached for comment.
"The rumors that my computer is working just fine and that I spent my usual writing hours watching television are wrong! Unfounded! You can't prove anything!"
Hookbill then attempted to weld his door shut using a sonic screwdriver. The police watched and laughed. He is now in custody and will appear in court after lunch.
And now for your irregularly scheduled Phantom and Alien fill-in.
