[Morthoron]

CHAPTER IV: OVER HILL AND UNDER HILL, Part II

Narrator: Having been literally abandoned by Gandalf once again, Bilbo and the dwarves were in a bad way. They had been fiendishly serenaded by the diabolical goblins, and the torment was only beginning. Now they stood, heaped in chains, before the horrible and huge Great Goblin, named Marian after his domineering mother (which might explain his ill-temper).

Marian: Garn! Who are these miserable creatures!

Orc Driver: Dwarves and a Hobbit, Marian, your majesty.

*The Dwarves and Bilbo giggle*

Marian: What? Is there something you find amusing?

Thorin: No, not at all your highness. In fact, we are quite taken aback at the impression you've made...Marian.

*More giggles from the Dwarves and Bilbo*

Marian: I do not see the joke, no not at all! And what were you thieves doing on our front porch?

Thorin: Thieves? I am no thief! Do not call me a Robbin' Hood, as there are much kinder, gentler names you could've made...Marian.

*The stifled laughter gets louder*

Marian: Oh, I get it! You think my name is funny do you? Marian is a girly name, is it?

*The Dwarves and Bilbo cannot answer as they are convulsed in laughter*

Marian: That's it! Janet and Betty -- throws this vermin in a pit!

*A clap of thunder and a blinding streak of lightning sear the gloom of the cavern, and all the torches go out. The gleam of a blade flashes from the shadows, and the Great Goblin becomes Marian in fact and not in name only. A second streak of the sword cleaves the castrato in twain*

Gandalf: Quickly, fools, let us make our escape!

Narrator: And so Gandalf (returned from who knows where) led the band from the Great Goblin's throne room while the goblins were thrown into chaos. Making their way down the darkened corridors beneath the mountain was tough going, and soon the goblins had recovered and were in hot pursuit.

Gandalf: We must stop for a moment. The corridor branches off in several directions here and I need time to figure out which direction is best. Is everyone here?

Thorin: [Uses his fingers to count down the members and then borrows one of Balin's hands when he runs out of his own digits]. Two, three, four, eight, ten...thirteen dwarves and a hobbit. Yes, that makes fifteen.

Balin: Fourteen.

Thorin: Fourteen plus Gandalf -- fifteen! [sticks out his tongue at Balin]

Gandalf: I can hear the Goblins coming; therefore, I'll shall have to go on instinct here. We'll go in this direction.

Bilbo: What makes that direction better than the others?

Gandalf: My dear Bilbo, I am a wizard -- a member of the ancient order of Istari -- come from the Blessed Realm beyond the Western Sea. Have a little faith that I know what I'm doing based on my loremastery, innate magical ability and supernatural prescience.

Bombur: That and the exit sign on the wall over there.

Gandalf: Let's get going!

Narrator: Madly they ran down into the blackness followed by the shrieking, cursing goblins. But they had not counted on side corridors where goblins laid in wait. All was confusion and chaos when the goblins ambushed. Poor Bilbo took a nasty knock on the noggin and fell from the path down a steep cliff that yawned along the side. When he awoke, Bilbo was in complete darkness, with no sound of either goblin or dwarf nearby.

Bilbo: Why did I ever leave my hobbit hole! Wait a moment...[slaps his pockets and finds his pipe and pipeweed]...now, that's a bit better! [lights up and takes a few drags]...thank goodness, a little bit of home!

Production Disclaimer: The makers of this movie in no way condone or endorse the use of tobacco products, as the use of said products are known to be carcinogenic and are filthy and nasty and we hates them. However, since we have received a rather hefty promotional fee from Philip Morris International (an Altria Company), we feel the product placement overrides the frivolous complaints we may receive from cranks and busybodies who make up a rather tiny percentage of the movie-going public. So smoke 'em if ya got 'em!

Bilbo: Now where did I put my knife? [Fiddles about with his sock and pulls out his blade which glows dimly in the dark] Ah, Sting! This'll come in handy. Hmmm...now which way to go? Back? Well, I don't rightly know which way is back. To the right or left? No, don't want to take anymore nasty falls. Oh well, I guess the only way to go is forward.

Narrator: Struggling alone in the blackness, Bilbo crept silently down the tunnel, which seemed to have no end. On and on he went, unknowingly travelling deeper and deeper towards the heart of the mountain. Suddenly, without any warning he trotted splash into water.

Bilbo: Ugh! It is icy cold. Is this a puddle or stream in the way of the path?

Narrator: Unbeknownst to Mr. Baggins, he was on the brink of a subterranean lake.

Bilbo: So it is a lake and not an underground river!

Narrator: Well, yes.

Bilbo: I wonder how far off it goes, and if there are any strange creatures lurking about near the roots of the mountains?

Narrator: Funny you should mention that...

Gollum: S-s-s-s! Quits interrupting.

Narrator: Look, do you want an introduction or not?

Gollum: Bah! Gets on with it, gets on with it.

Narrator: Deep down here by the dark water lived old Gollum.

Gollum: That's us, precioussss.

Narrator: Yes, and although we are saving a fascinating vignette of Gollum's early life and times for The Hobbit II, lets just say that old Gollum saw Bilbo a lot sooner than Bilbo saw him. But before we go on, Mr. Baggins, aren't you forgetting something?

Bilbo: I'm not sure. Did I miss a line?

Narrator: [whispering] The ring! The ring!

Bilbo: What? Oh yes...what's this? why, it's a ring! Imagine that. Looks to be no more than 12 or 14 karats, but still it'll fetch a pretty farthing or two in Hobbiton...

Narrator: [still whispering] Put it away!

Bilbo: What?

Narrator: [still whispering] Away! Put it away!

Bilbo: Right. Sorry.

*Bilbo hears a hissing coming from the lake*

Bilbo: What the 'ell...

Gollum: God bless us, everyone, precioussss! A tasty morsel, this one, and no goblin. Bleahhh! We hates dark meat! *Gollum*

Biblo: [thrusting his dagger forward] Who are you?

Gollum: What isss he, my precious? A bit of clever CGI p'raps? Much better than that nasty Jar-Jar...horrid animation, my precious, simply horrid.

Bilbo: I...I am Bilbo Baggins.... and this...this is Sting, a blade from Gondolin!

Gollum: Sssssss! P'raps we sits and chats with is a bitsy, eh my precious? It likes games does it?

Bilbo: What, like Parcheesi or Stratego?

Gollum: No, no, precious. No board games. We means riddles.

Bilbo: Very well, riddles it is. You go first.

Gollum: Yesss, preciousss...

What is as small as a pin,
But looms large on your chin?
Such a small deformity
Is, socially, an eruptive enormity.

Bilbo: That's easy -- it's a zit!

Gollum: Does it thinks its easy? It must have a competition with us, yes it does, precious. If it tells us a riddle and we don't guesses it, we shows it the way out.

Bilbo: And if you ask a riddle and I can't answer, what do you get?

Gollum: [snarling] Dinner.

Bilbo: Right. Here we go then...

They’re as ugly as sin
And they don’t smell sweet
But you cannot begin
Lest their marching in beat

Gollum: Isss that all you've got, precious? Pffft! It's feets...feets! Now, here's mine...

Wingless with flies
Not edible but pies
A relief when it parts
But bought by the cart

Bilbo: That's not too hard, considering how badly you smell. It's cow dung. Okay, here's one for you...

Remove the outside,
cook the inside,
eat the outside,
throw away the inside.

Narrator: Now Bilbo thought this one was quite easy, but as he was pressed for time, it was the only one he could remember offhand. But it proved exceptionally hard for Gollum, who hadn't eaten anything but raw fish and an occasional orc the last few centuries.

Gollum: Ss-ss-ss. Chestnuts, precious, chestnuts.

Bilbo: Well, are you going to guess or not? With all that hissing, one would think your guess was a tea kettle, but that would be wrong.

Gollum: Give us a chance; let it give us a chance, my preciouss-ss-ss.

Narrator: And then Gollum thought back to the days of his youth when his grandmother (a Rhodes Scholar and Oxford graduate) sat and detailed the many anachronisms present in Tolkien's published work (it was part of her thesis). There was tobacco and potatoes, trains and timepieces and...

Gollum: Corn! corns, my precious! Or maizes as the Euros calls it! Ssssss...no mister nice guy, my precious, no more. Here's a toughie...

It speaks loudly but says nothing
The seat of judgment without wisdom
It stands for nothing and sits concealed
It runs regularly but does not move
Each has a pair like unto brothers
But some loom larger than others

Bilbo: Well, ahem...hmmm...

Gollum: Is it nice, my precioussss? Is it scrumptiously munchably scrunchably crunchable?

Biblo: Half a minute now! I gave you a good long time while you were hissing like a steam boiler.

Gollum: No, it must make haste, my precioussss. We don't wants to waste a taste, so hassste! [creeps closer to Bilbo with fangs bared]

Bilbo: But...but..but? BUTT! A BUTTOCKS!

Gollum: Bah! Now its got to ask us a question. So assskks away.

Bilbo: Ummmm....

Gollum: Ask us! Ask us!

Bilbo: Errr...what have I got in my pocket?

Gollum: Not fair! Not fair to asks us whats it gots in its pocketses! It goes against longstanding rules of riddle etiquettes, it does! It goes against international riddling conventionses!

Bilbo: Nevertheless, what have I got in my pocket?

Gollum: S-s-s-s-s! It must give us three guesses, my precious, three guesses!

Bilbo: Alrighty then, ask away.

Gollum: A banjo?

Bilbo: Nope.

Gollum: Lint?

Biblo: No. Unfortunately for you I was so hungry, I scraped it all out and ate it about half an hour ago.

Gollum: Hands or nothing.

Bilbo: [waves his hands at Gollum] No on both counts, and since that make four guesses, that means I have won -- game, set, match.

*silence*

Bilbo: Well? What about your promise? I want to go, and you must show me the way.

Narrator: Will the wily Gollum show Bilbo the way out, or has Gollum's promise been nullified by Biblo's infraction against ancient riddling conventions...es? Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion!

TO BE CONTINUED...