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Morthoron · 08-10-2008, 01:14 PM

CHAPTER III: A SHORT REST, Part IV

Narrator: [formerly known as Narrator #2] And so Master Elrond sets his great store of loremastery into deciphering the dwarven map.

Elrond: Jolly wonderful the dwarves were at mapmaking once in their short history, eh? Lovely detail, wot?

*The full moon appears from behind the clouds and casts it wondrous white light full upon the map*

Elrond: Eh? What's this?

Thorin: [drawing nearer in curiousity]: Yes? What is it?

Elrond: Oh, nothing. This coffee stain looks remarkably like a dragon.

Gandalf: Why, that is a dragon!

Elrond: Yes, yes...of course it is. Temporarily blinded by the moonlight, you know.

Gandalf: Hmm...it seems the moonlight is showing hidden runes and letters on the map.

Elrond: It is? Oh yes, of course it is. They're callled...ummm...moon letters. Yes, moon letters...that's what they are!

Bilbo: What are moon letters, wise Master Elrond?

*Elrond stares blankly at Bilbo for a moment*

Elrond: Why, they are...letters that...errrr...only show up in moonlight.

Bilbo: My, you are wise. Where did you learn that from?

Elrond: I believe it was in a rerun of an old MacGyver episode or in an Umberto Eco novel about monks. I can't recall, really. I am a few thousand years old, after all.

Bilbo: What do the moon letters say?

Elrond: What do they say? [Long pause] Well, if I read the runes corrrectly, they say --"Stand by the gray crone until her knees knock," and then it says -- "and the sitting nun with a bad bite from tooth decay will shut her pie-hole."

Thorin: But that makes no sense at all.

Elrond: It doesn't?

Gandalf: No, it does not. Where are we to find an old crone in a habit with periodontal disease who we have to shut-up? And what good will it do us in any event?

Elrond: [indignantly] Well, the other translation seems even more daft -- "Stand by the gray stone when the thrush knocks, and the setting sun with the last light of Durin' Day will shine upon the key-hole."

Thorin: Durin's Day! A thrush knocking!

Elrond: That makes sense to you?

Thorin: Yes, it does. Durin's Day arrives in autumn and the key-hole in question is obviously a secret entrance to the Lonely Mountain! And I have the key! All we need to do is find the stone where the thrush knocks on Durin's Day and we shall find the secret entrance!

Elrond: Oh yes, that does make a lot of sense. [rolls his eyes] You'll have more luck finding the toothless old nun with creaky joints.

Thorin: We'll have to be on our way, and soon, if we want to reach the Lonely Mountain by Durin's Day. If I remember correctly, it is the first day of the last moon of autumn.

Elrond: Would that be the Julian or Gregorian Calendar?

Bilbo: Or is it by Shire Reckoning?

Gandalf: Neither and none, as the proper chronology for Middle-earth has not been fixed as of yet. Not until Tolkien writes The Lord of the Rings.

Bilbo: The Lord of the Rings? Is that a take-off on the Sword of Shannara?

Gandalf: Ummm...

Elrond: May I ask a favor?

Gandalf: Certainly, Master Elrond.

Elrond: Take me with you.

Gandalf: What?

Elrond: Please, take me with you!

Gandalf: I don't understand...

Elrond: I am bored, Gandalf, bored! I feel sort of thin and stretched...like not enough mayonnaise scraped over too much bun.

Gandalf: Buns?

Elrond: It's the Elves, Gandalf -- So damn merry! No wonder why they call death the Gift of Men! It's preferrable to living here for thousands of years...they don't even have cable. Always tra-la-la-lally, hopping and skipping, all blonde, all dull as doorknobs!

Gandalf: But...

Elrond: Let me explain...

[The lights dim and a single spotlight shines on Elrond]

ELROND'S SOLILOQUOY

An Elf or not an Elf...that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler to be mortal and suffer
The twinges and hair-loss of mankind's fortune,
Or to take up Elfdom and unlimited potential,
and by inference become immortal. An Elf -- to sleep no more --
Because Elves rarely sleep given their high metabolism.
But there is heartburn -- a thousand years of eating lembas --
Does not aid in my digestion. 'Tis not a bowel movement
One would wish on an enemy. And sheep -- the sheep of which I've dreamed --
Ah, I've lost count. For in that count of sheep no dreams may come,
While snuggly mortals coil all soundly 'neath comforters and nap wihout pause,
There's only insomnia that makes a calamity of so long a life....

Narrator: While Elrond rambled in stilted iambic pentameter, the company of travelers had slipped unnoticed from the Last Homely House, and even now were heading up the great slopes of the Misty Mountains.

Elrond: Hey! Where did everyone go?

Elves: Tra-la-la-la-lappy, Elrond isn't happy

Elrond: Oh good lord.

Elves: Tra-la-la-la-lever, you're stuck with us forever!

*Elrond sobs uncontrollably*

TO BE CONTINUED...

08-10-2008, 01:14 PM	#41
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,501	CHAPTER III: A SHORT REST, Part IV Narrator: [formerly known as Narrator #2] And so Master Elrond sets his great store of loremastery into deciphering the dwarven map. Elrond: Jolly wonderful the dwarves were at mapmaking once in their short history, eh? Lovely detail, wot? The full moon appears from behind the clouds and casts it wondrous white light full upon the map Elrond: Eh? What's this? Thorin: [drawing nearer in curiousity]: Yes? What is it? Elrond: Oh, nothing. This coffee stain looks remarkably like a dragon. Gandalf: Why, that is a dragon! Elrond: Yes, yes...of course it is. Temporarily blinded by the moonlight, you know. Gandalf: Hmm...it seems the moonlight is showing hidden runes and letters on the map. Elrond: It is? Oh yes, of course it is. They're callled...ummm...moon letters. Yes, moon letters...that's what they are! Bilbo: What are moon letters, wise Master Elrond? Elrond stares blankly at Bilbo for a moment Elrond: Why, they are...letters that...errrr...only show up in moonlight. Bilbo: My, you are wise. Where did you learn that from? Elrond: I believe it was in a rerun of an old MacGyver episode or in an Umberto Eco novel about monks. I can't recall, really. I am a few thousand years old, after all. Bilbo: What do the moon letters say? Elrond: What do they say? [Long pause] Well, if I read the runes corrrectly, they say --"Stand by the gray crone until her knees knock," and then it says -- "and the sitting nun with a bad bite from tooth decay will shut her pie-hole." Thorin: But that makes no sense at all. Elrond: It doesn't? Gandalf: No, it does not. Where are we to find an old crone in a habit with periodontal disease who we have to shut-up? And what good will it do us in any event? Elrond: [indignantly] Well, the other translation seems even more daft -- "Stand by the gray stone when the thrush knocks, and the setting sun with the last light of Durin' Day will shine upon the key-hole." Thorin: Durin's Day! A thrush knocking! Elrond: That makes sense to you? Thorin: Yes, it does. Durin's Day arrives in autumn and the key-hole in question is obviously a secret entrance to the Lonely Mountain! And I have the key! All we need to do is find the stone where the thrush knocks on Durin's Day and we shall find the secret entrance! Elrond: Oh yes, that does make a lot of sense. [rolls his eyes] You'll have more luck finding the toothless old nun with creaky joints. Thorin: We'll have to be on our way, and soon, if we want to reach the Lonely Mountain by Durin's Day. If I remember correctly, it is the first day of the last moon of autumn. Elrond: Would that be the Julian or Gregorian Calendar? Bilbo: Or is it by Shire Reckoning? Gandalf: Neither and none, as the proper chronology for Middle-earth has not been fixed as of yet. Not until Tolkien writes The Lord of the Rings. Bilbo: The Lord of the Rings? Is that a take-off on the Sword of Shannara? Gandalf: Ummm... Elrond: May I ask a favor? Gandalf: Certainly, Master Elrond. Elrond: Take me with you. Gandalf: What? Elrond: Please, take me with you! Gandalf: I don't understand... Elrond: I am bored, Gandalf, bored! I feel sort of thin and stretched...like not enough mayonnaise scraped over too much bun. Gandalf: Buns? Elrond: It's the Elves, Gandalf -- So damn merry! No wonder why they call death the Gift of Men! It's preferrable to living here for thousands of years...they don't even have cable. Always tra-la-la-lally, hopping and skipping, all blonde, all dull as doorknobs! Gandalf: But... Elrond: Let me explain... [The lights dim and a single spotlight shines on Elrond] ELROND'S SOLILOQUOY An Elf or not an Elf...that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to be mortal and suffer The twinges and hair-loss of mankind's fortune, Or to take up Elfdom and unlimited potential, and by inference become immortal. An Elf -- to sleep no more -- Because Elves rarely sleep given their high metabolism. But there is heartburn -- a thousand years of eating lembas -- Does not aid in my digestion. 'Tis not a bowel movement One would wish on an enemy. And sheep -- the sheep of which I've dreamed -- Ah, I've lost count. For in that count of sheep no dreams may come, While snuggly mortals coil all soundly 'neath comforters and nap wihout pause, There's only insomnia that makes a calamity of so long a life.... Narrator: While Elrond rambled in stilted iambic pentameter, the company of travelers had slipped unnoticed from the Last Homely House, and even now were heading up the great slopes of the Misty Mountains. Elrond: Hey! Where did everyone go? Elves: Tra-la-la-la-lappy, Elrond isn't happy Elrond: Oh good lord. Elves: Tra-la-la-la-lever, you're stuck with us forever! Elrond sobs uncontrollably TO BE CONTINUED... __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision. Last edited by Morthoron; 08-10-2008 at 01:41 PM.