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Old 12-03-2004, 02:37 PM   #226
Mithadan
Spirit of Mist
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Tol Eressea
Posts: 3,310
Mithadan is a guest at the Prancing Pony.Mithadan is a guest at the Prancing Pony.
The Maroonedship stood flummoxed, bollixed and bebothered upon the sandy, but otherwise empty and quite boatless, beach. Pimpowyn, who had just eaten her last sandwich, was particularly vexed by this unfortunate turn of events.

"Well this is just great!" she screamed, ranted and raved. Vogonwë cringed, then ducked as a largish seashell came hurtling through the air, folowed by a smaller, but undoubtedly harder rock. "Marvelous!" she continued. "Just spiffy! No boat! Did you hear me? NO BOAT! No boat and no food equals no quest and a bunch of dead adventurers."

Orogarn (2) and Gateskeeper clucked sympathetically as Vogonwë attempted to calm his betrothed down. "Now, now dear," he said calmly. "Something will come up. Things will work out."

"Things will work out?" she cried ignoring Merisu's whispers about conduct unbecoming a shieldmaiden. "How will they work out?" She stalked purposefully over to the edge of the waves, raised her right hand high and extended a thumb. "I suppose we can just hitch-hike and get a ride back to our ship?"

"Need a ride...?" came a voice from nowhere.

Actually not quite nowhere. For just as Pimpi extended her thumb, a ship came around a conveniently located, nearby promontary and floated up to the Itship. It was a grand old ship, crafted by Elves in a slightly dated style reminiscent of the late First Page. It had a high prow shaped like the head of a duck and three tall masts. Upon the top of the tallest mast a light swirled, flowed and glowed so that it could be seen from miles away, at least so long as a pesky promontary was not in the way.

"Ear-hand-ill," whispered Merisu in awe.

"Need a ride?" offered the mariner once again.

"Yes!", cried the Itship as one.

"What's that?" he said. "I'm a bit hard of hearing you know." And indeed, as he turned to face them, the Guyandgalship saw that his right hand was firmly ensconced in his right ear. They clambered aboard the vessel, using a rope ladder which the mariner slung over the side and communicated their desire to be carried to their ship via much shouting and hand signs.

As they got underway, the Itship gathered around Merisu. "What's this guy's story?" asked Kuruharan. "You seem to know of him."

"It is a long tale, and a sad one," she answered. "Perhaps someday there will be time to tell it in full, but for now, here is the Tale of Ear-hand-ill the Mariner.

"Perhaps you have heard of Benny Clammyhand and Lucy-Jane Thinguviel. Benny was a simple farmer in Mytoenien, long ago in the First Page, when he was evicted by Mogul Bildur. Homeless and sad, he wandered until he came to the enchanted realm of More-iath, which signifies 'lots of trees' in the common tongue. There, at an all night keg party, he met Lucy-Jane, daughter of King Thingy and they fell in love. But Thingy was displeased and declined to allow them to marry until Benny proved himself by capturing one of the Silmaroils, the great Lava-lamps of old.

"Benny went off, idiot that he was, to seek a Silmaroil, but Lucy-Jane came with him and they went even to Slangbad where they were taken before Mogul. Then Lucy-Jane recited heroic Noodlarian poetry for hours on end until all his minions fell asleep from boredom. But Mogul would not sleep. He challenged Benny to a duel. But Benny, who had been hiding under a chair, would not fight. He kept whimpering about being good and eating many fishes if he were allowed to leave. Instead, Lucy-Jane offered to play one hand of poker with Mogul, winner take all, and I do mean all. Mogul drew two pair, but Lucy-Jane filled an inside straight and beat him. Mogul was so angry, he smote himself on the forehead and knocked himself out. Seeing their chance, they pried one of the Silmaroils from Mogul's crown and fled back to Thingy who had no choice but to let them marry."

"A beautiful tale!" said Vogonwë with a sniff and a tear. "Especially the part about the poetry. But what's it got to do with Ear-hand-ill?"

"Popáyë the Sailor was a down on his luck mariner who moonlighted as a bartender at the Crow's Nest on the shores of the great sea. He was in love with Birdwing, a princess, but she would not marry him until he became rich. One night, Thingy came to town with his posse and the spent a long night drinking at the Bird's Nest. In the morning, he woke up with a horrible hangover only to discover that his purse had been stolen by the legendary Dwarvish thief, Kururobinhood. Having no money, he offered Popáyë a Silmaroil to settle his bar bill.

"Popáyë and Birdwing resolved to take the Silmaroil to Valleyum where they could cash it in for a reward. Now Popáyë was poor and not that bright, but he was a great sailor. He took ship and they journeyed for many weeks through storms, shipwrecks and other adventures until they reached Valleyum. There, they were greeted joyfully by the Velour and were wined and dined until they were quite snookered. Then the Velour took him before Mantoes for his reward to be decreed. And Mantoes asked Popáyë, 'Do you love the sea?'

"Popáyë, being quite fully in his cups, answered yes. And Mantoes asked, 'Do you really, really, really love the sea?' And Popáyë cried 'Yes, I love the sea with all my heart!' So the Velour rewarded Popáyë by making him the official Coastal Patrol of the Velour. They enchanted his vessel and affixed the Silmaroil to its mast and sent him off to pick up trash and rescue castaways for all time. But they also decreed that he must always stay on his ship. So Popáyë and Birdwing sailed back to Muddled Mirth..."

"But what does all this have to do with Ear-hand-ill?" asked Pimpiowyn.

"When they reached port, Birdwing asked Popáyë about their engagement. And Popáyë responded with the famous staves which are heard even now in sailors' bars on the shores of Muddled Mirth. He said:

"Birdwing,
you're a fine girl,
what a good wife you would be!
But my life, my love and my lady,
is the sea.
"

Orogarn, Gateskeeper, Soregum, Vogonwë and even Kuruharan winced upon hearing this. No wrath like a woman scorned, and all that. Merisu, seeing their expressions, nodded thoughtfully. "I told you it was a sad tale. Birdwing seized Popáyë's hand and shoved it into his ear. Then she stalked off and they never saw one another again."

Merisu sighed sadly. "I see that we've reached the Ent's Surprise..."
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