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Old 07-11-2020, 10:20 AM   #61
Galadriel55
Blossom of Dwimordene
 
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
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Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huinesoron View Post
SIGH. I don't have the old versions, but I think they were still short. I like 'fingers skilled and fair'. As for 'target' - something like 'And sent it speeding there' would rhyme, but doesn't quite scan.
Huh? You ideally want to rhyme "target" and "singing". Sorry if I garbled the message.

I think "To target sent it speeding" checks, I'm not quite happy with the inversion. "And sped it to its landing" preserves the structure, but sacrifices "target". Honestly, if nothing good comes to mind, we can leave it as is and as promised I will keep fiddling with it for weeks to come. :-D

Quote:
This one I'm going to push back on, because singING/pierCING were intentional. That said:

Chase shadows out as arrow swift, piercing

Because arROW always annoyed me.
"Intentional" changes everything. "Arrow swift" sounds good, and I like the imagery (I keep saying that, but I do!).

Quote:
Other than that, I think I've just accepted all your suggestions.
I am not sure how comfortable I am with that.

Enemy's footsteps are silent. We need the silent to emphasise that they're gone, not just stealthy; and I think the original line said footsteps anyway.[/quote]

That scans perfectly!

Quote:
Um... I pronounce 'wild' as 'wi-uld' when singing. Sorry. ^_^ I'll look at it.
Ah, gotcha! Then it's fine. I was going with the one syllable version. Again, "intentional" changes everything.

While on this piece, a question of curiosity: how do you naturally pronounce Beor: BE-or or be-OR?

Quote:
Death at my back, ever watching
Needed me still alive - for what?
Company turning to mud, fading
Mud in the swamps of our woods - all lost

I don't know that it's supposed to rhyme at all (perhaps it does in a Dorthonion accent), but I figured an ABAB wouldn't go amiss.
Yes, it's an ABAB. Also, this sounds ominous in a different way. I love it.

As for Luthien's part - the only thing that may require alterations is the rhyming scheme. It's there in her second verse, and I'm trying to figure out how to get the other two to work. Would you say that "snow" and "brow" are rhymes? I feel they are close enough that I don't wanna change those at least.

For now I am moving on to the second half of the song, which I didn't get to do yesterday. Again, will probably just correct the rhythm, but if there is any spot you want me to transcribe I'm happy to do it!
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