[Diamond18]

Backstage, Diamond was pacing back and forth in agitation. Time was growing short, and she wasn't growing any taller, and so she could not wait any longer. It must be done. She now perceived that the time had come to present her award. “No, no, no,” she said to the Time, “you’re not presenting an award to me…oh, never mind…”

She double, triple, and quadruple checked the envelope to make sure that the card was tucked therein. Satisfied of this, she made her way towards the stage, but was stopped by the light touch of an Elven hand upon her arm.

“Is it time to make the presentation?” Vogonwë Brownbark stood there with pointed toes, adjusting his hairbow.

“Er…yes, I’m going to present an award, but—”

“Oh, but don’t you remember? You promised that I could recite a poem in honor of the recipient!”

Diamond vaguely remembered making such a promise, sometime during the party when she had not been altogether sober. With a sigh, she nodded. As she did so, the lovely Pimpiowyn of the red-gold curls appeared at Vogonwë’s elbow, holding a penny whistle.

“What’s this?”

“My musical accompaniment, of course,” Vogonwë replied.

“You’re going to sing?”

Vogonwë nodded gracefully, and Diamond stifled a groan. Well, at least it can’t be as bad as Dwarves in bikinis, she resolved, and led the way onto the stage.

Diamond stepped up to the microphone and tapped it. “Testing…testing…is this thing on?” A horrible, screechy static noise ensued. “Good. Ahem. It is now my utmost pleasure to present The Radagast Special Achievement Award for Best Performance as an Endangered Species. This estimable award, coveted by all, yet not received by many, goes to…”

There was a dramatic pause as Diamond savored the moment, opening the envelope and, ever so slowly, pulling out the card, turning it over, and reading it carefully before proclaiming, “The Ghastliest Neekerbreeker to ever breek a neek…Birdland!”

*Wild, frenzied applause.*

Diamond continued, “Since Birdie could not be reached in time, accepting the award for her will be a flock of Neekerbreekers.” A cloud of buzzing insects swooped down upon the stage, and with a thousand little buggy limbs, they hefted the hefty golden tombstone from Diamond’s hands and flew away, giving the audience the distinct impression that the award was floating across the room.

“In Birdland’s honor, Vogonwë Brownbark and Pimpiowyn Took will now perform a…er…something,” Diamond said, and stepped away from the microphone, clapping politely and trying not to wince.

Pimpi began to pipe upon the penny whistle, playing Concerning Hobbits by Howard Shore. The crowd smiled at the pleasant sound, until Vogonwë began to sing. His voice was not all that bad, in fact, he had quite nice vocal chords and a clear tenor. But his lyrics did not keep perfect time with the melody (to put it very, very nicely), and so he was constantly drawing out or shortening words in an unnatural waver that reminded the audience of a shipwreck.

Birdland is her name,
Endangered Species are her game,
Midgewater is her domain!
My she forevermore there reign,
In sovereignty!

Birdland! Give her a hand!
Ain’t she grand?
Birdland! Give her a hand!
She’s never bland!

Radagast would be proud,
And wowed,
To see this crowd,
Praise her so loud!
For suuuuuuuuuure!

Suddenly, the microphone gave off the most painful, mind-numbing, teeth-vibrating wail of high-pitched feedback the world had ever heard. Diamond rushed up and pushed Vogonwë aside. “THANK YOU!” she screamed, several notes of hysteria in her voice. She fought for composure, uttering some forced laughter. The audience was deathly quiet, looking as if they’d been clobbered over the head with an assortment of amphibians.