I had a listen and sing through earlier and I think it's good! I think how you've got the "about" line works; Celebestel and I disagree on whether it sings most naturally as "aaaaaa-bout" or "abouuuu-uuuut", but either way it flows.
Not much to say about your last two paragraphs. When you're right, you're right.
I did look over the lyrics, and they're mostly good, but I had a couple of questions:
- Are the ships wandering in the sky the Sun and Moon? If so, is it "their gold" in the following line? And either way, can we do "have wandered" (to avoid the did verb)?
- "And glowing / upon my shoulder dawn's mark bright" has always kind of bugged me. I enlisted the whole family, and went back to the original Russian (via GTranslate), and we came up with "And glowing / Dawn brands my shoulder[s] [hot/fierce/sharp] and bright". What do you think?
hS