Thread: The Stewards
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Old 07-09-2018, 04:55 PM   #5
Findegil
King's Writer
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
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Some comments on the changes, not considering the recasting discussed in the Outline thread:
TS-AA-02: The reference to Aragorn as king seems out of place. We change it thus:
Quote:
TS-AA-02b<Appendix A Arador{ was the grandfather of the King. His}’s son Arathorn sought in marriage Gilraen the Fair, …
Or we might use another fact about Arador:
Quote:
TS-AA-02b<Appendix A Arador was the {grandfather of the King}[u]fourteenth Chieftain of the Dúnedain[/b]. His son Arathorn sought in marriage Gilraen the Fair, …
TS-SL-03: I will coment much on this, since it is were I would put much more text into the main narrative. But following the approach to put these texts into Appendices the integration of that part in the narrative is good.

TS-SL-04: I agree that it might be the best way to tell the interwoven events in this placing. If we take in Of the Finding of the Ring we must of course skip most of the last paragraph.

TS-SL-05: There is to much redudance in this paragraph, I would reduce it thus:
Quote:
TS-SL-05b<Appendix A Turgon followed Túrin TS-SL-06 in the line of the Stewards, but of his time it is chiefly remembered that two years ere his death, Sauron arose again, and declared himself openly;{ and he re-entered Mordor long prepared for him. Then the Barad-dûr was raised once more,} and Mount Doom burst into flame, and the last of the folk of Ithilien fled far away. When Turgon died Saruman took Isengard for his own, and fortified it.>
TS-SL-07: I think TS-SL-05 and TS-SL-07 should be switched. This is not only nearer to the chronology but reads as well more fluent, since now we start in Rohan then journey with Thengel to Gondor and come back with him to Rohan.

TS-SL-08: This is okay for me even so the last sentence feels a bit redundant.

TS-SL-09: Neither the name Ednew nor the story behind do fit here. If told here they would be pretelling of events to come. I think we should avoid that. And simply leave this addition out. It should be included in the next chapter.

TS-SL-10: Having removed Théoden we have to add his name here:
Quote:

Not long after Théodwyn took sick and died to the great grief of {the king}here brother King Théoden. Her children he took into his house, …
The rest of the chapter is nicely done and I fully agree to it.

Respectfully
Findegil
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