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Originally Posted by Huinesoron
Wow, yeah, I really missed the point there. How about And homeward sent it speeding?. You can drive a nail home, so shooting an arrow home works too.
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That works!
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bey-OR, nowadays, because I first encountered umlauts in German, and I have trouble remembering Tolkien uses them differently. But I'd put the emphasis on the second syllable even if I said it right.
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Aha! I just proved a hypothesis.
See, I tend to pronounce it be-OR in Russian, but BE-or in English (this happens with most names TBH; the musical tries to pronounce "proper Elvish", but f.ex. in Russian I more naturally read fin-ROD and thin-GOL). In your stanza, the emphasis falls as be-OR (the Russian way for me). Which lead me to think that our English pronunciations differ.
Sorry for the tangent, back to the topic.
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Um, yikes. I think snow/brow is an allowable rhyme. So it's an... xAxBxAxB structure, I guess? (Or rather, the writer split each line over two lines for readability)
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Yes. I guess there is so much text between each rhyme that it just doesn't fit in one line.
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I don't particularly like 'emnity' either, so if there's a 2-syllable alternative I'm all for it.
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2 or 1 syllable would fit cleanly without overlap. Ummm... Loathing? Discord? Discord is too tame, and knowing Saeros probably not an alien concept for Luthien.
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Drat, missed that one. The "dry seas" line was a struggle - I think the original talks about cliffs. Does 'dust' rhyme well enough with 'was'? In which case Rivers do not run in seas of dust
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It's "the river doesn't run amid dead/barren cliffs" - or even more like "rivers don't run amid barren cliffs" - but I think "seas" is actually an improvement, it requires less mental gymnastics to figure out that it's supposed to be a metaphor for incompatibility. Dust/was sounds good, and I'm really happy you got to keep "seas"!
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To taste rowan-berries bright, then? "Immortality is to taste" makes sense grammatically.
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But then "The air of the forest" is out of place grammatically. Either both have to be in noun-format, or in verb-format.
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^_^ Thank you, and yeah - I'd apologise, but I'm not gonna.
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Didn't think so.
EDIT: what? no crosspost this time? :P
ETA: I was singing though once again, and came up with a couple more points:
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When she came her breath made the leaves turn yellow
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Actually, the original "brown" fits just as well. "Yellow" follows all the syllables that Luthien sings, but now that I know the tune better "brown" scans just as well, the extra syllable isn't necessary.
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Until you drew me out with the light of your heart
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"Till" might be a little more comfortable here, less burden on the speech apparatus with the rapid syllables.
...reading/singing further:
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Between us now, shadowy road
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"a shadowy road" flows better.
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There's no turning back from what is right!
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"There is".
Also, "My grief is not the "no" that you confessed" still makes me flutter at how good it sounds, even after the dozenth read.
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My care for my beloved child
Is stronger than battle or slaughter
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Is stronger than for war and slaughter?
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Hear now a truth you have forgot
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After butchering grammar on a stone altar, I feel like I shouldn't. But Does "a truth that you forgot" sound more grammarly?