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Old 07-13-2020, 06:25 PM   #90
Galadriel55
Blossom of Dwimordene
 
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
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Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
Going back to the wings...

Tell me, Death, o tell me the truth
How amid the shadows and ice
He could hear the summons of Night?
How was mightier than kings
Rustle of your wings,
Fell and ruthless wings?



1. "Ice" vs "snow"
I am curious what your thought is about death as a "below" concept in a world where the Otherworld is not in an Underworld. If you think it still goes, this might be an option. Otherwise, I think "summons" will compensate for "Ice".

2. The wings, blast them to pieces

a) Was the rustle of your wings
Mightier than kings?
Black and dreadful wings!


b) Was your wingtips' silent beat
Stronger than my grief?
All-consuming grief
--> or how about something about powerless grief? Unavailing grief? Fierce but helpless grief?

c) How was stronger than the King
Rustle of your wings
Black and ruthless wings!


I think of these options I like either what is there already or (B), which sacrifices "rustle" and "mighty" and the final emphasis on death, but brings in Galadriel's perspective. I'm gonna post up (B) to see how it flows. Still hanging in the balance.




Tinkering (TM) (=a bunch of little edits, but I don't think you're awake at this time of day)

...A brief note on Minions:

O my Lord, upon our border
There is something out of order:
Unidentified intruders
Crossed your boundary!

or Roaming by your seat!, or even Racing past your seat!

?



...and even briefer points on the Duel of F&S:

Quote:
Where crowned with snow
Since "snow" and "boughs" are only near-rhymes, would it sound better in plural, "snows"?

Quote:
He who breaks the chains that bind him from his freedom earned
Another alternative: He who without doubting breaks the chains which slave him hold



Speaking of the Duel, Finrod's next half-verse ("my choice is made") goes:

- (sdelan)
A (Eru)
B (teni)

- (rukah)
A (veryu)
B (poteri)


... So only two pairs of rhymes there.

The following verse ("but greater fault...")
[So be it! / let it be so] = stand alone in a single syllable. "Fine!", if Finrod was a teenager.
A (vina)
B (chas)
B (glaz)
B (nas)

And his last ("what is so appealing about the throne")
[...first answer me] = as a continuation of Sauron's line, "But first"
A (tron) ***same melody as the ABABs in his first 2 verses. I think either ABAB or AABB would work equally well.
A (Sauron)
A (koron)
A (rojdyon)
[Sauron]:
A = repeats Finrod's last with his own variation
B
A
B


Going back to the Epilogue, the O Heart stanza:
I still feel that the fact that Finrod didn't hold a single grudge against anyone deserves a mention. So I was trying to work that in place of "many years ago" (though possibly after "into sunset glow, order-wise).
Pardoning all foes?
Grudging not the blows?
Where no grudges grow? (This might come before the sunset line)



... Did I say tinkering was my trademark? Add to that: coming up with a dozen equivocal variations for the same line.
__________________
You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera

Last edited by Galadriel55; 07-13-2020 at 08:39 PM.
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