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Old 07-10-2020, 06:21 PM   #54
Galadriel55
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
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Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huinesoron View Post
The hardest line was that 'Whose fingers fair' right at the beginning; as far as I can tell, it needs to be four syllables and rhyme with the next line. A lot of rejected version there.
Uhhh, I hate to say this, I really hate to say this... You're missing a downbeat.

chya LYOH-ka-YA ru-KA (Whose [LA la] fingers fair)
ye-YO skvoz OB-la-KA (Chose its course through the air)
mog-LA na-PRA-vit k TSE-li (And sped it to its target?) *which ideally would rhyme with the last line, but not critical for the song to work

Whose fingers skilled and fair? Which archer's/bowman's fingers fair? Do you have any of the discarded versions saved up somewhere by any chance?

Quote:
Truth, you soar high above despair, singing
Chase shadows out as an arrow piercing
This needs to be altered for rhythm purposes. You have the perfect number of syllables, except the downbeats don't match the words. You end up having singING, and arROW pierCING.

Can I think of an alternative? Let me try.

Truth, singing, soar above the dark despair
As arrow sharp chase shadows from the air


Or not. Flag as "to be revisited".

Quote:
I hear your whispered call
A minor detail, but maybe "heard", in past tense? This in my mind is supposed to echo (and answer) Galadriel's question of what drew Finrod to Middle-earth, and Finrod's own questions of what was his life worth. But even as a stand-alone, it still seems to refer to the time when the Noldor departed, to Finrod's past.

Quote:
Here, abandoned in the snow
A thrall to any foe
My path a mystery
I sought for only thee
To learn what holy fires
Are blazing in the eyes
Of Secondborn inheritors!
I have a bit of trouble with this stanza (except first couplet, that's perfect). The main issue is that the "mystery" line doesn't seem to fall into tune at all. When I read this part at work I did the gymnastics to get around the syllable count and make do, but right now I just can't recall what trick I used to get there. On the principles of constructive criticism and generating variation, I will attempt a revision:

Here
Abandoned in the snow,
A thrall to any foe,
You only I sought ever
On pathways undefined
To learn what holy fires
Are blazing in the eyes
Of Secondborn successors!


Meh. That's not it either. One more thing To Be Revisited when inspiration is a bit less scarce.

Quote:
Unbeatable, unreasoning.
This line is a bit too long and has to be forcefully squished to make the cut. Might I suggest "Unbeaten, unrelenting" as substitute?

Quote:
A golden dust is shining in the heights
Sky-ships are burning in the sunset light
The curséd Silmarils are blazing far away
But there's a fire that shines brighter e'en than they!
My favourite stanza! Especially the first two lines. Beautifully put and perfectly translated.

Quote:
Do not close up your gates - take me in
While I can see you, Truth - here within
Fulfilled my part at last, without knowing the price
I thank your mercy, Truth, in showing me the light!
I am very impressed, because it would not have occurred to me to translate it this way. I don't even know how I would do it, but this works very well. A minor nitpicking of rhythm, pro forma:

Don't close your gates upon me - take me in
While I can see you, Truth - down here within
Fulfilled my part at last, not knowing of the price
I thank your mercy, Truth, in showing me the light!



Yay Finrod! You finally realize that your life wasn't worthless after all! I love the philosophical dig into Finrod's character that the musical makes. It's beautifully done and well-developed throughout the story.


Edit: crossed with both of your posts
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You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera
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