Okay,
Appeal commentary:
To my father once you had made a promise
That 'had' is purely for the syllable. Possibly 'To my father once you [made/swore] [oath/vow] and promise'?
But to him my love merely is a reason!
I think 'merely is' may have been my fault, but 'is merely' would be less gratuituous.
Such the unfair price for his kingly honour!
Is there a reason we haven't just quoted the Silm? 'Such a [meagre/little] price for his kingly honour!'
I would fain in battle my love defend,
This one is fine, but I wonder if the original means 'my love, Luthien' or 'my love
for Luthien'? Or is it a both?
I would fain fulfill the will of another,
How about 'I would fain fulfil his demand with honour'? With the 'kingly honour' line before, it would be "
He's sold his honour, but I'll keep mine."
One can't escape one's doom...
How could I have foreseen this?
This plan leads to a tomb
A Curse from slumber rises!...
Possibly 'How might I'; I kind of want an 'ought' in there, but the grammar would break. Also, 'This course' or 'This road leads'?
In this poisoned chalice is my doom brewing.
'my doom is' should sing fine.
So yeah, basically it's the ones you already highlighted.
I see we're right back at the first song you translated - it's good stuff. I love the fact that Finrod finally snaps and joins Beren's fast ranting - only for Beren to pick up his own slower tune in response.
It would be fun to stage this sequence live - I'm seeing Beren going away distraught from 'Appeal', and Finrod
not telling him the plan before 'Renunciation' starts. He'd have to sit through the entire song conveying his rollercoaster ride of reactions in silence, telling the entire story behind the final 'Sire, I thank you for being true' just through
acting.
hS